Wednesday, May 2nd, 2012

Have you ever had one of those days where nothing really important or big went wrong but every little thing that could did?  Well that's my day today. Waited 45 min to see the surgeon. Gave him the run down of my outputs which are very low but cautiously reminded him they are exactly what I was averaging when he was aspirating. The left side shows some sign of declining but it may not be totally accurate as it keeps kinking at the insertion site just due to it's positioning. I repeatedly straighten it and milk the tubing but that's all I can do. He said I can take the drains out whenever I want but he thinks by Friday they should be OK to come out. We talked briefly about reconstruction. I shared that Brad really thinks I should. I can tell my surgeon feels otherwise. He has repeatedly let me know that I look just fine the way I am and that it's my decision. I told him I have never had this much trouble making a decision. We have built two homes, I can't remember arguing once over any aspect of that ( most couples struggle with that) and have faced so many other challenges but I am just so stressed over this part of the process.  I shared that I had spoken to my cousin who is in the process of reconstruction and has been so positive yet I know there are many horror stories out there. Part of me feels if I move forward at least if I have problems they can come right back out, whereas if I have the extra skin removed it's a done deal, or at least much rougher to reconstruct later without extra skin. I am pretty sure Brad's right in thinking that once the weather stays warm I will want to wear cute shirts and swimwear at the lake and won't feel as good with the prostheses. Finding something to wear today was crazy-it's 85 and I can't wear my bra. That meant a T-shirt with a cami to hold the drains. I was roasting. Maybe once I am able to wear the bra again I will either strongly feel I'm sick of dealing with it or will feel I am comfortable with it and can stay as I am. All I know is I'm losing sleep, feeling I need more help in this decision, and am literally feeling eaten alive.

From there I ran to Gordons for grad stuff. They had chip samples. There was no sign so I didn't think a thing about it and tried one. OMG they were flaming hot! From there I went to Payless thinking I'd get a Diet Coke to put out the fire. Well there was no ice-now that's a crisis! LOL I was almost done shopping and grabbed shampoo for Kinsey. The lid was loose and I ended up covered in shampoo!  Stopped for gas which I purposely waited to buy on my way home and it had gone up 22 cents. And lastly I thought I'd surprise Brody and show up at his golf match. I either haven't felt well enough or it's been too dang freezing for me to go.  Well I couldn't find the place and drove for 30 min looking. When I found it all I could find was the housing addition part and couldn't even find the main entrance.  I could see some of the boys already on the green so knew I'd missed tee off  therefore likely I'd never find him on a course unfamiliar to me at that point. I turned around in a caul-de-sac that was total mud and by that time was in tears. I left crying, called Brad for the second time, got all bent out of shape, and insisted he go. Thank goodness he did!

Another thing eating on me is Brody. The poor kid has taken the back seat to everyone for a few years now, Kinsey with health issues for well over a solid year and now it's her graduation so there is a lot of focus on her. Now of course mom is getting lots of attention. The poor kid was in tears last night thinking he's never going to get to drive his own car because insurance for a boy is so high. In reality we were just trying to explain that boys are way more expensive and there is no way we can pay the premiums for something like a mustang that he spotted. Unfortunately he heard "you are not going to get to drive." :) We assured him he will get to drive on his own it just has to be a reasonable vehicle. Therefore I have really tried to give him kudos for things like his two Honor Society Inductions. Those are wonderful things to have on his high school functional resume' and we couldn't be prouder of him!

As always I try to end my days, no matter how crazy they get, on a positive note. So here is another Chicken Soup quote:
"Although it's critical that patients take charge of their illnesses, it's equally important that they ask for-and accept- help from those around them. There's no glory in going down this path alone. And there's incredible strength to be gained by accepting support from family, friends, clergy, doctors, nurses, social workers and perhaps most important, others who have had similar experiences. Their help literally can save your life."

Perfect example: I saw a couple from church who were super sweet, supportive and hugged me and told me they are praying for me. I asked them to please continue to do so. I'm not ashamed to say I still need a lot of prayers. While grocery shopping I saw another gal from church who offered the same support. In turn I offered to talk to her sister-in-law who also just had surgery for breast cancer. I'm a firm believer no one should ever face a difficult time in their life alone! In the end things always work out and every day we can wake up and get out of bed is a good day!