Friday, April 27, 2012

My doctor and I are simply going to have to quit meeting like this. The every Friday thing is getting a little crazy!  As I suspected drains were re-inserted.  Although the fluid on average per day is still decreasing there is still too much there. The object is to get the tissue to remain flat so it can "stick down" so to speak and finish healing inside. With the fluid accumulation that won't happen. I went to this appointment knowing full well that since I had escaped drains last week but was still having issues I'd probably come home with them. Fortunately I am still numb in that area so I did just fine.  I couldn't feel him make the tiny incision or the initial insert but as he advanced the tubing I had some biting or stinging. The right was worse than the left. That didn't surprise me either as it was the one that got sore the last time. When he added the stitches to secure the drains I could only feel him snug it up and tie the knot. That was a bit painful. He is starting me on an antibiotic since I have something invasive again and I'm glad about that.

The big question for today was had I made a decision on reconstruction. I knew it!  Of course the nurse in me could look ahead and surmise that if I went ahead and started reconstruction this issue would be resolved. I always like to be prepared so that is part of why I tried so hard this week to talk more to Brad about his thoughts. Instead he put me off saying we don't need to decide now. I understand that because that is what we were told. And I wasn't saying we had to decide, I simply want to know his thoughts both ways. All along I have not been on any sort of a time frame, 6 weeks or 6 months it shouldn't matter, I could take my time.  I think after explaining the events of today he better understands why we NEED to have this discussion. If it continues to be a problem I will need to either start reconstruction so they can get in there and stretch out this extra skin that is allowing the fluid to pool ,or my surgeon will have to go in and scrape or "rough up" as he referred to it, the tissue and then use a talc substance to seal it. If he needs to add the talc then that causes issues for reconstruction so it's one or the other. UGH!  I am so not ready to make that decision. He did tell me to get through graduation first which I explained is 4 weeks and open house 6 weeks away. I didn't pinpoint him on what I do in the meantime should this not work. Also, I know the plastic surgeon is booked for about 3 weeks. So I guess I just pray once again that this all works out. I laughed and reminded my doctor that I am very used to bumpy paths as my body does NOTHING textbook. Don't get me wrong, I'm bummed, but it could be worse! I left with the plan of calling in my outputs/drainage on Monday and seeing him Wednesday. Maybe that will be the key, go on a day other than Friday!!!!

I headed out to run the dozen errands I had on my list. Remember the lady in the elevator I mentioned last week in her turban?  Well as I walked out the main entrance she was in a wheel chair.  I promptly walked back in, did a double take and decided it was the same woman. I cried but by gollie I managed to tell her I saw her last week and wanted to tell her I would pray for her but I just couldn't. She was adorable-Elaine is her name and she has ovarian cancer. We talked briefly and agreed to pray for each other. That did it!  I was a blubbering fool when I got back to my truck, but I was so glad I spoke to her. I really do hope that I get to see her again!  God knows her journey is a narrow winding mountain path...at least I'm guessing.

It was a long day but I was determined to get a lot done. I'm doing nothing but running out of time so I try to make each trip to town worthwhile. I had forgotten my camisole at home that holds the drains. Fortunately the wind suit I had on has pockets and the material inside is open so my drains fit in perfectly. I just keep waiting for some store clerk to frisk me thinking I was shop lifting! Now that would make for a good story!
We actually sat and had a family meal then everyone headed out again except me. I'm simply too pooped to pop. :)

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Today started with the news of our uncle passing away. That was a real bummer. I was to take dinner tonight and was looking forward to seeing him one last time. Unfortunately that wasn't meant to be. After receiving that news I went out to school for the second part of the program. When the students arrived at school they learned my niece hadn't survived the crash. Although none of the scenario was real it felt like it!!! Today they showed the video shot yesterday and then showed them what happened after school- the "drunk driver" getting booked,  the medical staff telling my sister that her daughter died, and the courtroom testimony. Those who participated spoke. Believe me hearing those parents share the experience it was all very real to them! Then a guest speaker shared her real experience. Wow! If that won't take everything out of you nothing will!

Next I placed the call to my doctor to set up a time to have fluid drained again.  I think I will just refer to my floppy disks as puddles now. Geeze!  I'm thinking drains will once again be discussed. Guess I'll know tomorrow.  And since the day had been so pleasant I figured what the heck, I may as well start some deep cleaning before graduation-easy things like washing curtains. At least I got something accomplished.

Both kids have been busy late every night so I don't think we have had a single family meal. That's rare but I hate weeks like that!  Brad got home and we attempted our therapeutic conversation again. At least this time it went a little better. Just way too many emotional things at one time for all of us!

Like yesterday my crummie day managed to end on a good note. There was an envelope in the mail from Brad's cousin that I will call  a happy gram. That was just what I needed for some cheering up!

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

I'm so ready for this week to be over!!! I've been tired and emotionally drained just from life in general. The reality that prom is this weekend and graduation is one month away is setting in. I will get everything done but it will be at a fraction of the pace I normally would. That's when it suddenly seems like these four walls are closing in on me.

I started addressing graduation invites, only to realize I messed up all the envelopes. You know, the standard ones for the invite then they go in the mailing one? Yes, well I addressed big and small without realizing it!  They gave us the option to order more formal and less formal. I chose less formal without the white tissue so never dreamed they still sent me two sizes of envelopes. Then I got the call our uncle's health had quickly declined and he was being put on hospice. Later I opened the checkbook and saw that without my knowing Brad reordered our checks and got breast cancer ones. That was it, I shed a few tears.

School did a program called Every 15 Minutes about drinking and driving and distracted driving. It was a very intense two day event and included a mock accident scene involving a student's death. Today, day one, students were taken from classrooms every 15 minutes by a Grimm Reaper and painted with the face of death. At the end of the day several students participated in a mock accident scene. One student "died" on the scene. My niece and sister participated and my niece Cassidy was the innocent victim who was "life lined" from the accident scene. Both kids came home all a buzz talking about the experience and how horrible it was even though it was staged. Kinsey couldn't even talk about Cassidy without trembling. Later in the evening, unknown to the student body, Cassidy "passed away."  For my sister it was very real as they handled it just as the hospital would. So then I was living this all through my children's and my sister's emotions.

By the time Brad got home I just needed a hug and to vent. Unfortunately his day was no better and he was wiped out too. Needless to say our so called therapeutic conversation was less than therapeutic. That was it I was done for the day!

Just when  I thought I'd had enough a little email humor from a dear friend made things all better.  It's so perfect to share on my blog so here goes....

"As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six year old daughter Krissy came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing.  After mulling over my answers she remarked, "My mom has some of those but I don't think she knows how to use them."                        
Needless to say I was busting up!!!  Ooops, no pun intended :)

Monday, April 23, 2012

Such a nice relaxing day. I have had the perfect amount of company to help me pass the time and heal emotionally. Today was a very busy company, phone visit kind of day and I enjoyed it thoroughly. The more I talk to people the more questions I get. Today I thought I would take a bit to try to specifically answer some of those questions.

1.  Did you ever ask God why me, why do I have breast cancer?   
     You know, I don't really recall actually asking God that. Now I do remember laying in bed one night thinking "Dear Lord after all the health issues our family has had since 2007 do you really think we need this stress and it's medical bills?" I can't remember feeling like poor me. But I didn't really ever give myself much idle time to think that either. 


2.  Were you really anxious/nervous that last night before surgery?
     Well I was so bummed that the alone time for Brad and I hadn't worked out prior to surgery. He had not been openly talking about his feelings although he was offering some supportive comments to me that really helped. I was struggling wanting to know more , enough so that I wasn't focusing as much on me. I would say days prior I had some very brief fleeting periods of anxiety- this was by far the biggest and most important surgery I'd had and things would never be the same. However, those thoughts were almost instantaneous. Dwelling on that wouldn't be good. We just spent that last night cuddling and sobbing.  I actually slept very well that night. I think because I was so emotionally drained. 


3.  What were you feeling the day of surgery?
     That morning I was trying to go over any last minute things I may need to do. The kids were both going so it was just the usual getting everyone out the door. Once they called me back to my pre-op room things were serious. At first it was just Brad and I. They sent me in my bathroom to put on my gown. That was tough! Of course I took one last look in the mirror knowing that my body would never again be the same. However, I knew without a doubt I had made the right decision in order to be cancer free. I started to tear up but could hear an old friend's voice- she is currently head of  PACU (post anesthesia care unit). She came in to assure me I'd be well taken care of and wish me luck. I really appreciated her checking in. Her timing was great or I'd been a blubbering mess in that bathroom. Later one of my best friends from nursing school came in to tell me she'd be with me in surgery, gave me a big hug and said she was so sorry I was going through this. I told her I'd had several surgeries but this one was by far the most difficult. With that we both cried. At some point other family members filtered in and then the mood lightened which really helped. I I remember asking for a minute for just Brad and I before I started fading. He assured me I was fine and I reminded him I didn't remember our good- bye before my last surgery. I remember  kissing him this time but I had good drugs by then so I don't remember much else to be quite honest. :)


4.  When you woke up from surgery was the first thing you did look down at your chest?
     No, not at all. I hate that far off feeling as you try to wake up and you try to talk and make sense but you are in lala land. My nurse there was also a friend and prior co-worker so I wanted to talk with her and barely could. I didn't look at my dressings. My biggest concern when I could think clearly wasn't my chest it was "What were the lymph node results?!!!"


5.  Are you going to reconstruct?
     Isn't that the question of the hour?  I wish I could answer that. Right now I can't. I was not super self conscious without the prostheses but I do feel better with it. There is some beauty to choosing if I have boobs or I don't. I got on the treadmill and it was nice not dealing with them!  When it's super hot I'm sure I won't miss them!  I can be any size I want with prostheses!  There is no pain or discomfort to this. On the flip side it would be very nice to not have to deal with something else when I dress or for caring for them. It would be nice to be able to look normal again when I look in the mirror. However, there is still that slight chance of cancer recurrence and it would be much easier to deal with without implants. I know Brad would like me to rebuild but he has really not told me how serious he is about that or how he would feel if I didn't. That makes it even more difficult for me to decide.  Eventually I will weasel it out of him.


6.  Are you on a time frame for reconstruction?
     Not at all. I can wait two months or two years. I don't even have to have anything done with my scars. However,  if I don't reconstruct I would like to undergo a cosmetic surgery to get rid of the extra skin the surgeon saved for possible reconstruction. A big factor though is the cost. Yes insurance pays but I really need to do it this calendar year or we simply can't afford it any time soon. 


7.  What do the prostheses feel like?
     I am shocked that they are so comfortable. The bra feels like any other bra. The inserts are heavy when you just hold them in your hands but in the bra and in place they feel normal to me. I have to think about it to remember they are not part of me. Right now I am still sore so I do limit the amount of time I wear it so it doesn't irritate me.


8.  When can you go back to work?
     I don't know yet. The surgeon told me we would discuss that at my next regular appointment which isn't until May 11. 


9.  Does it hurt when he aspirates fluid/ what does your chest feel like?
     The numbness is slowly improving. Initially it was numb from under both breasts up to my clavicle. Presently the numbness is almost completely gone from the clavicle/collar bone to the top of my breast area. That is encouraging as I can't imagine it being numb forever. Sometimes as those nerves wake up it feels like a sunburn, and I can barely tolerate my clothes even touching it. I bought some snug sports bras hoping that wearing something snug might help discourage the fluid build up, but I can't tolerate wearing them most of the time. Also remember, I have that sizable scar under my left arm that when it rubs on anything it's tender.  Seat belts are almost unnerving.  I wear mine but put one hand on it just to pull it out enough that it's not directly touching me. Then there is the phantom pain. It seems mine comes in the form of "let down."  Those of you who nursed your babies understand that description-the tingling almost burning feeling you got when your baby started crying or when you breasts got full and you needed to nurse. In combination those feelings can be quite uncomfortable. None of those are the surgical pain of course and none of them are the bruising that is still there. Thank the Dear Lord I have a good pain tolerance!  I have taken some Tylenol a couple of times but most of the time I just deal with it. 

     Wow that's a lot of info!  You guys wear me out!  Just kiddin :)  But I'm fairly sure you have sat so long reading this your butt is as numb as my chest! haha

Friday, April 20, 2012

The kids had today off as a flex day from school so Kinsey joined me at my appointment.  I was a little concerned the surgeon may put drains back in as Monday he said if the fluid was again present that would be the plan. Upon just visual assessment he said he was going to put in smaller drains. Then he palpated and felt that the fluid is actually less than on Monday. Of course pleading my case I chimed in with this was the longest stretch of time between aspirations so maybe waiting on drains would be fine. He said he was all for just aspirating again if I was OK with that. Absolutely!  It was definitely less. For now I am to see him Monday if I feel they need drained. If not monitor and if they need drained by Thursday call. Otherwise he will see me in 2-3 weeks. Sounded like a plan to me!!!  After I sat up from the procedure I looked at Kinsey's face. I immediately asked if she was OK and she said, "Yes, but that was gross!"  The surgeon and I both laughed and he assured her she had not even seen gross.

We left the office and hopped on the elevator. There stood a woman in a turban with her husband at her side. I couldn't hardly bear it. I started tearing up. I wanted so badly to tell her that I would pray for her but I just couldn't even speak so I said a silent prayer right then. By the time we reached the front door I was in tears. Why was she undergoing chemo and not me?  Why had she lost all her hair and I had escaped the horror of all those side effects?  Why did I have a clean bill of health and she was still fighting the fight? I didn't know the answer to any of those question but the reality that I could have been in her shoes just as easily was a bit overwhelming. I quickly added another prayer thanking God for keeping my journey much more simple. That was a humbling experience!

Kinsey continues to be interested and quietly supportive. The other day she said it had been awhile since she'd seen my incisions and asked to see them again. She was impressed with how much better they looked minus steri- strips and drains and with the bruising resolving. She again said she wouldn't reconstruct. I just find that so interesting at her age that she feels that way. I would have really expected her to be all for the rebuild process.

After we got home I showed her my new bra and inserts. The bra was no big deal but when I unzipped my little boxes and pulled out a silicone breast her eyes got huge!  She looked and hesitantly asked "Can I feel one?"  She was amazed at how heavy they felt but thought they were cool and that they would be just fine for me. Sometimes she cracks me up.

My friend who is several weeks ahead of me in her journey has four daughters. The oldest is in college. Before my surgery her daughter sent a lovely card to both me and Kinsey. I knew she had written a letter to Kinsey but I had yet to read it. The other day I finally asked Kinsey if I could read the letter. It was so sweet, so honest, and so moving. She poured out her heart, shared some of her feelings and offered support as well as advice to Kinsey. I can't help but feel Kinsey really has taken her advice to heart. How very sweet of her to take the time to share her experience on such a personal level. I hope that one day if Kinsey knows a young girl watching her mother facing a cancer diagnosis that she will step up and offer the same kind of support. Such a kind gesture!

Thursday, April 19, 2010

I have had the script for my prostheses but it was just a matter of finding the right time to do the fitting when I wasn't as sore, the fluid build up wasn't too bad, and I was not having sensation issues. We also needed to co-ordinate my insurance so they knew they had to cover me in the gap exception rule that I spoke about earlier so I could make my purchase locally.  My doctor said that was taken care of so I was ready. Today was the day!!

The woman fitting me was very sweet and professional, a retired RN. I do believe she has seen it all when it comes to mastectomies. She could tell me stories of women who handled it very well and women who were in tears their entire fitting. So sad. She was impressed with my incisions and the uniformity of both sides. Not all women have such good results post-op so I feel very fortunate. She started by telling me that the beauty of my status is that I can get both sides to perfectly match and I can choose any size I'd like to be. I've never been one to want to be larger on top so I  chose to stick as close to my original size as possible. She was cracking me up by the time we were done.

I am allowed three bras every three months from my insurance.   For now I just choose one as she is ordering some others for me to try later. The whole process was quite a learning experience. The sizing for these bras is completely different from your everyday bra. Each has a little pocket inside similar to the pockets inside many swim suits. I must say I was pleasantly surprised by the selection I had to choose from. The silicone forms just fold in two and slide right in then unfold. The silicone inserts come in slightly different shapes-some more oval, some more triangular. There are lighter weight inserts that I am going to refer to as being made of micro-beads (because I forgot to ask what they are called). They are more comfortable in the warmer months and much lighter in weight but I'm told not nearly as durable. However, they can be molded each time you wear them so the shape or contour can be changed to best fit the outfit you are wearing. The silicone stays in one shape.  Most insurance companies only pay for one pair of prostheses every two years as they are $350 per side so I needed to be sure of the shape and the style that was right for me. Storage is very important to help maintain their shape, and they can be cleaned with mild soap and water.

 

 After two hours of trying on and changing combinations of bras and forms I had finally decided!

                           Drum roll please.................................................Meet my new girls!!!!!

This photo shows the bra with the inserts in place as well as the storage boxes for each prostheses.  I opened one so you can see how it's concave. It also has a line of stitching in the mesh lining to remind you the direction to store the gel form. The storage boxes remind me of the old hair dryer my mom used for me as a kid. Remember the motor in the box with the cap and the hose attached?  Now there's a memory.

A friend had texted just before my appointment so I met her afterwards for a visit. She commented that I looked great and as everyone naturally does, looked at my chest. I was beaming when I told her " You are the first to see my new girls!"  She cracked up. We had a wonderful time catching up on our lives and I had no issue answering the questions she threw my way. It was some good healing time and I was so happy she'd contacted me. It had been a long day, the longest I'd logged out and about since surgery so I headed home to relax.

It took about 30 minutes for Brad to notice but he finally did. He wasn't sure what to say. He looked at my chest and said "You, you... you got boobs."  "Yes dear I did!"  I was so excited and said I thought they were as close to my natural size and shape as I could possibly get. I pulled down my top to show him how they worked.  It was clear he didn't share my excitement. I said "I'm excited, what do you think?"  He wrinkled his forehead and said, "Well they don't have skin over them."  End of conversation. Again, man of few words so I really don't know for sure but I am guessing a sign Brad's not dealing as well as I am. I get that, but a little shared excitement was what I was hoping for, so no doubt my bubble had been burst. With that I went to our room and packed them away and shed a few tears. Oh well, I just had to tell myself I was  happy with my new body image and move on.

I have not been very self conscious the couple of times I have been in public since my surgery. After all everyone knows what I've been through so it's no huge deal to me. Had I started the reconstruction process immediately there would have still  been a significant difference in my appearance from before until now. With warmer weather just around the corner these will boost my confidence without a doubt. It is funny though how everyone naturally looks at your chest when they know what you have been through. And yes I am guilty as well!  It's just simply habit! It's really pretty funny when you stop to think about it!

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

So they say your body will tell you when you've over done it. Well it did!  My butt was kicked today. I was super tired and super sore. I'm guessing that although we only have three pieces of patio furniture the repetition of wiping it down along with running the sweeper was the problem. Crap!!! Up to this point I'd been doing so well. Although frustrated with myself I felt I really hadn't done anything wrong. At some point I have to keep increasing my activity and up until now it's been perfect.

We were invited out to dinner so I just laid around like a bum and rested most of the day in order to re-group enough to go out. I really didn't feel like going physically but mentally I needed something besides a  doctor appointment or quick errand to get me out of these four walls! Later I was so glad I went! It was just the positive I needed to keep me focused on the fact that I am slowly getting better.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

My energy level is slowly increasing. Have done a few quick errands. Have been cautiously increasing my housework. About post-op day four I did my first load of laundry-very tedious-handled only a few items at a time and didn't lift the basket, kicked it across the floor to the couch so I could sit and fold. It was perfect for increasing my range of motion and keeping my arms moving but I wasn't breaking the lifting restriction of 10 pounds and I wasn't raising my arms above my head.  It just felt good to not be sitting or sleeping. After I was told last Friday I could sweep I only did two rooms and haven't swept since just to space it out some. Meals are still coming in daily thanks to the wonderful friends and family we have, so I don't have to worry about that. I can't just sit or I go nuts!  I'm not a big fan of TV and reading isn't my thing. Scrap booking is my hobby but I just haven't felt it yet.

Today I felt so great!  I did dishes and laundry which I can do normally and swept two rooms. That I had done in combination just once before but spaced it out through the course of a whole day.  Apparently it was when I decided to wipe down the patio furniture that I sealed my fate. Too be continued...

Monday, April 16, 2012

Another visit to the surgeon-darn fluid accumulated again over the weekend. It's a normal process and he assured me I am not overdoing it and that the drains didn't come out too soon. I knew that because we left them in an extra day to just make sure the amount stayed under my limit of 40cc/day. I was as low at 28cc at that point. He drains 30-40cc/side so that is only about 10cc/day so minimal. My body just isn't reabsorbing as quickly as it's being produced. Sooooo, I have to continue to monitor the areas and I may need needle aspiration again Friday at my visit. If so he may consider putting in  much smaller sized drains. The good news is there are no signs of infection and my incisions are looking great. Some women deal with this up to 6 weeks but usually they are much older than I and in poor health. This doesn't surprise me at all because for every health issue I have ever had my doctors have been a little surprised about something so it's all routine to me. None the less still frustrating!

I'm so thankful for all the positive stories you are sharing with me-some about friends battling cancer, some about how the blog motivated you or someone you know to make a change, schedule an exam or help someone else out. Here is part of message from a friend I received today, "This weekend was special in several ways to me:  you got your news that you don’t need further treatments, another person’s wife had a total hysterectomy for cancer and yet needs no further treatments, and another person’s daughter got news that it was NOT cancer.  God is SO good, and I give Him all the praises."  Yes He is good!

Another friend texted me to say that since her back surgery she had not been able to participate in a fundraising walk. She was finally able to on Saturday and it was for breast cancer. She further went on to say that my story inspired her good friend to schedule her mammogram-it was 8 years overdo!!! Time flies and we get so busy in our lives.  Awhile back my dentist pointed out I was 4 years overdo. How do we do that??? I'm usually so good at taking care of all those things!  I think it's the "mom syndrome" we get so busy taking care of everyone else we put ourselves on the back burner.

Please feel free to share your stories under the comments section for all to enjoy. When I remember I try to share the ones you have sent thru text or email. I love hearing all of them!

In closing for today I want to share this-author unknown but found in my Chicken Soup book-

What Cancer Cannot Do
Cancer is so limited-

It cannot cripple love
It cannot shatter hope
It cannot corrode faith
It cannot destroy peace
It cannot kill a friendship
It cannot suppress memories
It cannot silence courage
It cannot invade the soul
It cannot steal eternal life
it cannot conquer the spirit.

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Cousins from both sides of the family stopped by yesterday for visits. Really an enjoyable day. Both brought me books that I think will come in quite handy for sharing in my posts. One is a cookbook of recipes compiled by women who have battled breast cancer, by lawmakers, and even some health care workers. Then there is Chicken Soup for the Surviving Soul. I'm hooked already. All of the contributors have either had a form of cancer or have been affected by it in some way. I have only read about 5 entries and am blown away!  The forward alone has some interesting thoughts worth sharing.

The very word cancer invokes many feelings-fear, anxiety, sadness and doom, just to name a few. It's easy to allow those feelings to become recurring thoughts in our minds and eventually those feelings play on our physical state as well.Cancer isn't an automatic death sentence, it's problem, a hurdle, a bump in the road. As Dr. Bernie S. Siegel says " Let problems in your life be your teachers. Always describe your difficulties with words that express your feelings. Then look at the things in your life that fit the description and heal them. Your life will improve and you will derive physical benefits." " Your thoughts create chemical changes in your body. What you experience and anticipate alter you. Spend a moment, laughing, loving, or playing and your body feels different than it does during moments of anxiety, despair or fear." So very true!!!

I guess maybe that's what I tried to do before my surgery. Breast cancer is a rather big problem. I needed to find a way to deal without dwelling and to control the things that I could. Once my diagnosis was public I was constantly flooded with questions. I didn't mind that at all, but for some that could have been overwhelming. For me talking helped me cope.  Documenting my journey helped me share my thoughts, feelings, and fears but has also helped me feel that my unfortunate experience could have a positive effect by helping educate others.

Then I tried to mix in other aspects such as humor. I realize there are some that read my posts and think "Did she really just share that?" Yes I did! It's me, it's my family, it's who we are and it's part of how we cope. As I read even the first few stories in my Chicken Soup book I hear how others used their nutty humor to deal, and I better understand that I'm not alone, not weird, but rather just doing something that helps makes me and my family more accepting of the journey we are facing.

Lastly I took some simple steps to pamper myself. My time was so consumed with appointments, research, our vacation etc that there was very little time for just me. Knowing my body image was about to forever change I decided I would go out on a limb, do something I'd never done. Yes, another shocker...I was almost exclusively a tidy whitey. White bras and panties plus the one set of formal black. About three weeks before surgery I decided what the  heck, I'm going to do something different. I went shopping and purchased some colorful underwear, pinks, oranges, royal blue.  It was liberating!!!  How crazy that I'd never done that before. Not only have I always liked the crisp clean look and feel of white but I always worried  colors would show through my clothes. Who cares??? I loved it!  I also decided I wasn't wearing my usual big frumpy sweatshirts or my kids school spirit wear, I was wearing shirts that showed I had girls and wearing the jewelry I had to match! When I did Spring Break shopping I actually bought tops that matched my bras...crazy I know but awesome!!! I then took the time to get a pedicure. Besides all that sand had roughed up my heels and they needed some good ole TLC. It's funny how when you are losing one part of your feminine side you find other ways to bring it out. That last pedicure was just before my surgery. As hard as I tried to relax it was difficult.  Interestingly enough the man working on my feet asked if I was OK and said I looked very tired. Little did he know I was about to embark on the single biggest journey of my life. I simply replied "Yes, I'm very tired." It was sweet of him to notice.  That hour to myself made me feel girlie and relaxed one last time before I would lose a sense of that which I could never fully regain. I couldn't begin to price on the inner peace it gave me!

If you are faced with a stressful time in your life, do something to relax, be entertained, or be around those who make you feel loved. And if you know someone who is stressed, do something nice to help them out. Positive thoughts and experiences do affect health and healing. I am so very grateful for my friends and family who treated me to lunch, pampered me with gifts or flowers, sent cards that added humor or reminded me of my strong faith, or were simply just present to offer a hug or a comforting word!

Friday, April 13, 2012

This Friday the 13th started at the surgeon's office.  First thing I saw my good friend's mom in the hallway, just 5 days post-op from her mastectomy. She is the one who we learned had breast cancer while we were in Florida. Her surgery was exactly a week after mine and she looked great!

Upon exam my doctor noticed some fluid on both sides that has accumulated since my drains came out on Tuesday.  It was a simple procedure to aspirate it with a needle, no big deal as I'm still quite numb. He didn't get a lot, between 20-30cc on each side which is minimal but enough to drain. I'm to monitor it over the weekend and if it accumulates call and come in again on Monday for another aspiration. His nurse removed all the steri strips and things are looking better. He said if I decide to reconstruct that can happen at any time. Next Friday at my scheduled visit he will write the script for prosthesis.  I wasn't sure that insurance would  pay for that in the interim while I'm deciding on plastic surgery but he assured me they would. Women with breast cancer have worked hard lobbying for laws that ensure that insurance companies offer complete care for women with a breast cancer diagnosis.  That was a big relief because a prosthesis will buy me some time to make a decision but will help with my body image as we enter into the warmer weather. With single layers the flat chest is very obvious. I still need to be careful not to do much repetitive motion with my left arm in particular since that is where the lymph nodes were harvested. He was thrilled with the range of motion of my arms. Apparently many women still don't lift their arms above their heads at this point. I have no trouble with that. I was off routine pain meds at post-op day 5 and only took one on day 7 prior to drain removal. I certainly still have pain but I hate the side effects of narcotics so like to be rid of them ASAP. This is the longest I've ever needed them post-op but it was a rather big surgery. My doctor was very happy with my progress! From there Brad and I headed to meet my sister at the oncology office.

Her nurse ran through a list of questions of which included an assessment of my pain level. I told her just sitting there I had no pain but of course with movement or to touch my chest I have pain. I explained my left under arm is still the most sore. Kristin and Brad were both with me and my sister leaned over to Brad and whispered "She's a beast" and started laughing. She said she would need lots of drugs if she had had this surgery. I have always had a good pain tolerance but apparently I am doing really well compared to the average patient. After reviewing my pathology report the oncologist confirmed that no further treatment is needed-NO CHEMO, NO RADIATION, NO HORMONE THERAPY!!! That was so good to hear!!!

Because we decided to take the right breast as well that eliminated the need to treat with Tamoxifen to prevent cancer there. That's great because that would be a 5 year treatment plan and all medications carry side effects.  Surgery alone is a 97-98% cure rate. There is always that slim chance that there are some cells left in the chest wall. Nothing is 100%. I can live with that. She's not concerned about my ovaries since I don't carry the BRCA gene which makes someone already diagnosed with breast cancer much more likely to develop ovarian cancer. Also, my only family history of that is a second cousin. I did inquire about a colonoscopy. There can be a link between breast and colon cancer, my dad had colon cancer in his 60's and a first cousin had it at 48. I think it's been 5 years since I had a scope so she confirmed I should follow up on that like I suspected. Normally it's suggested routine colon cancer screenings start at 50 but with family history many physicians say start at age 40. I can handle that.

From that appointment I went to the local medical supply to inquire about a prosthesis.  The lady was very helpful and told me that although they are not a preferred provider for my insurance all I need to do is call and they have to accept them as a preferred provider. Apparently there is a federal law that states if you do not have a preferred provider within 40 miles of your home they have to accept what is available. That is helpful to prevent trips out of town. They have two of each size in stock so I will probably get fitted next week. I feel I'm too sore today anyway as I was starting to get sore just from being out and about more and I'm sure the aspiration was a factor as well.

It was a full morning and the most activity I'd had in 10 days. I was exhausted. On the drive home I had a different sort of a cry-one of joy for the many blessings I have- love and support from family and friends, the great news of not facing more treatments that take a major toll on a body, the idea that now I will be able to move forward and fully enjoy my kids activities and the upcoming summertime, and just the overwhelming thought that God is good!  What a glorious day!

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Mark it down!  I'm posting today's events today!  I guess that is a good sign that I'm feeling better.

I made a call to the doctor just to clarify that my understanding was correct. My post op paperwork said I could not drive until released from the surgeon or not taking pain meds. To me that was either/or. I didn't want any of the Big Brothers watching out over me to yell at me so I covered my bases. You see I made that mistake once. Last week when I saw the surgeon he said I could take my drains out or my sister could. I immediately asked her too because they were in a difficult place for me to see well enough and I just thought it made better sense.  However, when I posted an update on Face Book I merely stated what I was told, that she or I could remove them. I didn't further explain that she was going to do it. Oh boy!  My friend/prior boss saw that and she shot a message to my sister worried I was taking them out myself. Then my sister shot me a message stating I absolutely wasn't taking them out. You see, Big Brother doesn't miss a thing!!! :) That's good actually to know so many people are watching out over me. However it's pretty clear I'm not going to get by with anything! Anyway, yes, my interpretation was correct, I can drive. Awesome!

Itching to get out of the house I hopped in the my suburban. First hurdle crossed. I am 5ft 3in so it's a big step anyway. I was able to get in just using my legs and not using my arms to pull me up. I made a quick trip to Walmart to look for some new sports bras. The weather is warming up and as soon as I don't have to wear layers it's going to be awkward knowing how to dress. I am guessing that my insurance won't pay for the prosthesis AND reconstruction. That is really what I need, something to tide me over in between times, especially with graduation being June 3rd.  I do know that each side is about $365 and that doesn't include the special bras. Not a cheap investment if I have to pay for them myself. This was my third surgery in 8 months so our medical bills are unbelievable. I had not worked at my job long enough for FMLA, had used my PTO time for my gallbladder surgery and so was forced to change my status in order to even have a job. Oh well, as we always do we will cross that bridge when we come to it. After tomorrow's appointments I will know more what to expect.

Driving isn't an issue, it's the seat belt. My chest feels so weird.  Sometimes I don't notice the numbness at all unless I actually touch it, but putting a seat belt across is miserable. It just feels gross quite frankly. I am hoping that eventually that feeling will disappear as it has shown some signs of improvement, but it's possible that it's permanent.  I don't know if it's because he did skin sparing or if it would be that way anyhow but I feel like I have all this tissue under my arms. My clothes rub and it irritates especially where he took the lymph nodes.  Just kind of hard to describe but very uncomfortable. I did notice I felt light headed a couple of times in the store. It didn't last long and it was a quick in and out trip. Everything I was after was right near the front of the store. I was glad because for being so ready to get out I was already ready to head home. Isn't that how it always works?  At any rate I was very proud of myself for venturing out. Now I just have to wait for tomorrow to learn the next leg of my journey.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Oh what a relief it is!  After patiently stripping tubings and recording the output of both my drains for a week the time was finally right. Tonight  my sister ran over and removed them both. AHHHHH! I had noticed the one on the right beginning to get a little red on Monday so was keeping a close eye on it. I opted to leave it in one more day just to be sure. Irregardless of output it needed to come out today due to redness and tenderness. A couple of quick snips of the stitches and out they came. Brad and the kids were gone. Brad would have cared less as you will later hear, but the kids would have been fascinated to watch, as was my nephew. As I put out a towel and plopped myself on the bed making ready for this minor production I heard my nephew Colton say something that indicated he was curious. I said he could watch if he wanted. He came flying in my room. Little did he know he had a part-we needed the flashlight on his phone for that up close and personal visual. The first one came out so slick I didn't even know it. Colton got a little weak in the knees but did fine. Then I came up with the bright idea of him videoing it for my kids. What the heck, lets put this modern technology to use.  Kinsey had texted the day before wanting to know if they were coming out so I figured this way she wouldn't miss anything.  Colton could video it for them then they wouldn't miss a thing. Too funny. Of course I threatened him within an inch of his life that this video better not go viral!!! haha I was covered except my belly and the puncture site so no real big deal. Just wasn't really feeling the whole world needed to see that. The left one came out with a bit of resistance but not really any pain. It felt so good for the sites to be cleansed without the drain tubes in the way.

Brad and the kids got home and about the same time friends rolled in with our dinner for tonight. Of course the kids had already seen the video and so I showed them the drains. Brad's response was "You saved them?"  Well it's not like I saved them for days, they had only been out about 5 minutes!  The kids were surprised by how much tubing was actually inside of me versus how much they were able to see. It was a good learning experience. They thought Brad might be surprised. Of course being a kid who was raised literally on Old McDonald's Farm with every critter under the sun, it takes more than a couple of JP drains to get him rattled. He of course had to share that he's had his hand clear up a pigs uterus a number of times. Gee, and I thought I was teaching them something!

Brad then proceeded to share that a past co-worker came into work and expressed his concern about my recent surgery and was quite considerate and serious. Well, without any surprise to me or Brad his conversation quickly turned to how he would be more than happy to help Brad go shopping for a new bust line for me.  Oh boy did that cause some laughter between Brad and our friends who were here. The guys quickly decided maybe he should form a focus group on Face Book and see how many guys would sign up to help him do some shopping for his wife. Only men!!!  Although he's been very supportive and helpful we all know that eventually that is where the conversation is going to go.  Of course we were all dying laughing by the time the guys got done with their comments. My spirits have remained high but it's good to have a heavy duty laugh now and then.  Of course I had to burst his bubble by reminding him I haven't yet decided if I am going to reconstruct. OOOPS!

After all, this really is a very serious matter. It is cancer, it is evil, and it's what brought me to this point. I'm not a woman who has decided they want a new look. Not that that is a bad thing.  I know some women who have had breast augmentation just because and couldn't be happier with their decisions. In fact I am thankful that they have taken the time to talk to me about their process. Although a bit different than what I may face it is still helpful information to have. I still don't know for 100% certainty that I don't need at least a little bit of radiation or hormone therapy. Until I see the oncologist on Friday I won't know that for sure. The cancer is very real and a huge part of my decision to not immediately reconstruct. I saw a dire seriousness in fighting that evil first before taking the next step. Not that either route was wrong, this just felt like the right step for me. I can't stress enough that although I live among a huge crowd of jokesters they all do see the serious side and how it has impacted our life and the lives of those we know and love who have been affected. And I truly believe as a patient, as a nurse, as a wife and a mother that every decision a woman with breast cancer faces has to be a very individualized one. All of our situations are different, our thoughts and feelings are different. And it's not just us but our significant others facing the changes that are happening to our bodies.   I hope that every woman reading this who is either faced with a cancer diagnosis herself or who is walking beside someone else understands this.   All options should be weighed and the proper path chosen. I really appreciate a comment I remember my doctor making early on. "I don't only treat my patients, I treat their heads."  That is a very powerful statement!

Easter Sunday, April 8, 2012

I love it when Easter comes later in the spring.  Our weather this year has been off the charts-several 80 degree days, ornamental trees already blossomed and now leafed out, spring flowers in full bloom, and no rain on Easter Sunday! I can't imagine if I were recovering from this surgery in the dead of winter and knowing I had chemo and radiation in my future. As I told Kinsey Friday, this beautiful weather makes life so much easier!

Today was a long day. We were up early for church so we would for sure have a seat.  I struggled with what to wear as I really don't have anything very appropriate just yet. Kinsey gave me some of her Columbia fleece jackets that zip up the front. Those are perfect because there is an inner pocket that can hold my drains should both of my cammies be dirty at the same time plus they are nice and warm. I was able to wear a camisole and then a nice shirt with the jacket over the top. Not as dressy as I'd like but it worked. I thought it smart to take just one pain pill before church as we are Catholic so the up and down Jane Fonda workout we get at Mass was going to be the most activity I'd had yet. Well that was a good idea for pain control, not so good considering it was standing room only. As we began to be sardined in (I'm sure the fire marshal would have had a cow!) it began to heat up. Between the temperature and the whoosy effect of the pain pill I wasn't sure I was going to make it without passing out. Father kept it quick and in 45 minutes we were headed home. Brad made brunch and it was straight to bed for me. I got up for awhile, took a brief walk in the yard and visited with a neighbor then it was back to bed.

About 4:30 we headed to my sister's for a delicious Easter dinner. I did muster up the energy yesterday to make a strawberry pie. My brother smoked a turkey, my sis made homemade dressing and sides and we all carried in sides. It was delicious. Grandma Betty was able to join us. At 94 she is doing quite well and it was good to have her. Think it made her feel better being able to see me since surgery. She assured me she had prayed many rosaries. So much to be thankful for-Grandma still able to join us, Dad and Dianne neither in good health being there, me 5 days post-op, and then the rest of the usual gang. Unfortunately my fatigue continued and I was the biggest party pooper. We stayed just a couple of hours then I found my way back to the lazy boy at home. Do think this is the most tired I have been since surgery. It was off to bed early again but a Happy Easter was had by all.

Saturday, April 7, 2012

Sorry my posts are never posted on the day I type them. Just have to do them when I feel up to it. And invariably I type them up and tweak them a dozen times before posting :)

Slept fairly well last night. No more terrible burning at the drain sites, thank goodness!  Had a hard time with my shower this morning, a brief moment of tears. The new body image is going to take awhile to get used to. The first few times it didn't bother me too much, but for some reason it was harder today. Felt a bit nauseated when I looked at my chest. If you can imagine craters where breasts used to be, bruising becoming much more evident, two 6 inch long incisions with stitches and steri-strips, another under my arm about two inches long, and two lovely drains...well it isn't exactly a Picasso!

As mentioned before I asked the kids initially if they wanted to see the incisions. Brody opted yes, however I have not involved him in any of my personal care. Just think it's not in his comfort zone unless he is my only resource. However, for those who know Brody, he is an amazing kid who would do anything for anyone, even if it is an awkward moment with his mom. Heaven knows many of us have already been faced with caring for our parents and grandparents as they age and for many of them it's more comfortable for a family member to help them than a stranger, even if it is the opposite sex. We've told the kids this is good practice for when we get old-assuming we live to old age! :) Both kids seem to be handling all of this quite well and have been very helpful with anything I have needed. I do have to wonder what goes through Kinsey's mind. She is always the quiet one. She has been extremely helpful with the few times I have had wardrobe malfunctions, needed help pulling up my hair etc. She doesn't seem "grossed out" and doesn't get light headed. (Keep in mind this is my child who saw a photo of a friend's sliced finger posted on Face Book while she was modeling her prom dress to be hemmed. She had to sit down with a cold cloth and put her feet up) She does whatever I need and checks in on me when I'm in the shower.  It has to be an eye opening experience for a beautiful young girl who hasn't yet fully experienced all of womanhood to see these drastic changes taking place in her mom who is only 45.  I mean really, the plan was to one day help dear old mom retrieve her boobs from her knees and put them in a bra when she's 80. How quickly we abandoned that plan!

Kinsey's boyfriend was around a lot today. Just hung out keeping us company and brought some movies for me to watch. I did get a brief moment to ask him when she wasn't around if she was talking to him much about my surgery. He said he felt she was doing well but that she had taken a long while Friday night to talk to him about everything. He didn't elaborate, but I was just glad she was talking to someone. It has to be difficult. Brody hasn't talked a lot but is more open so I feel if he was having troubles handling things I would know it. For now I think we are all just taking one day at a time.

Good Friday, April 6th, 2012

Kisney stayed home from school to help me today as we planned. She did a great job! Even before getting out of bed I had an episode of the shooting/burning pain I described earlier. Each time it happens in the area of the drains. I didn't think much about it because I have had it several times but it never lasted and was tolerable. I have a high pain tolerance and have used the pain meds as I need to stay comfortable and not let the pain get out of control. I've medicated before showering and been very good about not overdoing my activity.  I had a couple more spells in the shower and Kinsey had to help me finish doing my hair and getting ready. Finally we made it out the door and I just sat very still in the car hoping the pain pill I took would take effect quickly.

Brad and Kristin met us there. By the time we got into a room I was really hurting and trying to take some slow deep breaths and relax. Was really wishing I had taken two pills and unfortunately had not brought them with me.  The doctor said my incisions looked great and he was willing to remove the drains. I explained that I felt the drainage was borderline to a bit high and my sister agreed. I had my log in hand and explained I would rather deal with this pain than have to come back and have any fluid build up aspirated with a needle. He agreed to leave them in and even said Kristin or I could remove them when ready or I could come back and he would remove them. Kristin was willing as it will be difficult for me to properly see the area to snip the suture. He said not to rush getting fitted for a prosthesis as the area needs to heal. No worries there. Also there is no rush on reconstruction. The doctor explained that the numbness in my chest may resolve or may be permanent. He also explained that just like amputees who lose a limb women can experience phantom breast pain. We had just been talking about that in the waiting room. The doctor left to check on the pathology report. Before long I was in tears as the burning sensation was persistent and severe. Brad helped me lay down and Kristin went ahead and added a dressing around my right drain just as some extra support. That helped a bit. Every move caused pain. 

Next he reviewed the pathology report. Great news on this Good Friday!  The cancer is not invasive, it is stage 0, and the lymph nodes were all clear! He feels surgery is the only treatment needed but said that the final decision will be up to the oncologist. He did say that not every single section of the breasts can be viewed so he still feels due to it's size the right decision was made to take the entire left as well as the right. Just as the biopsy stated there were atypical cells surrounding the DCIS. Also, on  the right side there were some calcifications. The can become an issue later on. He felt that we made the right treatment choice regarding bilateral mastectomy.What an amazing relief that was!!! The best news I could possibly ask for and how very awesome to get it during Holy Week!  God is good! We shared some hugs and sighed a giant sigh of relief!

I am to follow up with the surgeon next Friday and from there see the oncologist to review everything. I took a copy of the pathology to her office so she would have plenty of time to review it before next week. I was feeling a little weak in the knees due to the pain but made it back to the car with the help of Brad and Kinsey. We stopped to get a cold drink then Kinsey got me home. This time I took two pain pills and went right to bed. That did the trick!  A nice long nap and I was back in the saddle. Really feeling that although today's episode of pain was miserable I have been very fortunate to have overall been relatively comfortable. So many things to be thankful for!!!

Friday, April 6, 2012

Yesterday was my first full day home and for all you doubters out there I took it very easy!  A good friend came to spend the day with me just in case I needed anything. I was able to manage a shower and washing my hair by myself, but it was comforting she was there if I needed her. I have been threatened within an inch of my life if I don't behave and lay low during my recovery.  After a very sweet supportive text from my old college buddy (also a nurse) she followed it with "Excellent!  All sounds good..:) will check in again and see when coming out is good. Hang in there.  Take your pain pills and sleep! No hostess B--- S---!"  I guess she told me! lol I've also been threatened with hand cuffs. Gee, do these people know me or what??? I assured them this surgery would be much different than the ones in the past and I have promised to not over do it!

Everyone has been very good about calling before stopping in. That is much appreciated. It's great to see everyone but I am very tired. However, as you can tell by the times of my entries, I am having some degree of insomnia. Besides, stretching out my visitors will help me get through a little bit later when I think I will really be needing a little extra support. My sister has done an amazing job of organizing meals. We basketball moms are a pretty close nit group. Everyone pitched in in one way or another for the first mom to go through this, now they are helping us out. Such a wonderful thing! It's also nice because I look forward to visits from whoever has dinner for us each night.

As mentioned before there are not too many secrets around our house. The kids have asked questions and stayed on top of things quite nicely. They both were with me the day of surgery and Kinsey is staying home today to help me out and get me to my first post-op appointment. She really wants to help but I am sure a little bit of it is that Senioritis kicking in. Either way I'm happy to have her around. The kids got to see my dressings and drains in the hospital and I explained I would be coming home with the drains. They were fascinated with the way the dye used to isolate the lymph nodes does strange things to a body and wanted to know all about that. After I got all settled in they went ahead home to do homework and try to rest up.

The evening of surgery I had chicken and noodles and I dropped a noodle right between my two dressings. I called Brad over and showed him the noodle then asked if he'd like to retrieve it for me. I  reminded him now it wouldn't be as much fun. He started cracking up!  We got a good laugh! I could never handle this if we didn't have some humor along the way. Believe me, family and friends are doing a good job at interjecting their wise cracks too!

Both Brad and my sister were in the room Wednesday morning for the grand unveiling. I couldn't look at Brad's face when the Dr. removed the dressings but he seemed to do pretty well. It was actually easier for me to look then than it is now. I'm not sure if it was exactly what he expected or not.

After we got home I talked to the kids a bit more about post-op needs etc. I asked if they wanted to see my incisions and they both immediately said yes. As long as they were OK seeing my chest I had no issue showing them. I wasn't sure Brody would be comfortable but he was so I let them both take a peek. They both did very well. Needless to say more questions followed. I figure there might be a time Brody is the only one here to help me so he may as well be aware. Trying to do my hair and get dressed is a feat when I am supposed to keep my arms below my head so I do need help at times. They were fascinated by the drains so I explained how they worked and how the color of the drainage would change over time and lessen. They have learned a lot through this process.

As you see I did post a picture of one of the Jackson-Pratt drains. I hope that isn't too graphic for anyone. They don't typically show you a drain before surgery and these type of drains are used in many cases so I'm sure some of you out there may have seen them. I'm  also posting a picture of one of the breast pillows they gave me. I am guessing women volunteers make them as they are definitely a work of love. They are small kidney shaped pillows that I use to put under each arm when I rest. It helps raise my arms a bit therefore decreasing swelling but also keeps my arms from rubbing against my chest. They are wonderful!

Had a few visitors on Thursday, just the right amount. Our little nephews and niece came to say hello and each colored pictures for me. Super sweet! Of course I am keeping a scrap book of my Journey so all those little goodies will go in it. For now I think I will try to go back to bed for awhile. Need to be rested up for my morning appointment.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

 Surgery was Tuesday and I was back home by 3pm on Wednesday. The tremendous support from family and friends really helped to keep me positive.  My sister-in-law made a cute profile for Face Book that said "Kick it Kim". Friends and family turned Face Book pink for a day! So cool!

Several family members joined me in the pre-op area and as usual kept us in stitches. Little did a good friend know he was the subject of our laughter as we relived some Florida moments. It was a great distraction! They took me for surgery about 11am and I was back in my room by 3pm and settled in. No problems with nausea...thank goodness. I deal with pain way better than nausea.

My surgeon started the operation part of the journey by praying with us. That was awesome! Surgery lasted just over two hours which included removing both breasts and biopsying lymph nodes on the left. Apparently three lit up with the dye that was injected-all in the sentinel node area- so he took all three. The preliminary report during surgery showed that they were OK. Praying that the final report shows the same. I have tubes in each side of my chest. They are called Jackson-Pratt drains and are a simple vacuum system. I empty them, record the drainage, and log my outputs. Very simple process that I am quite familiar with so no issues there. I will post a picture later. My new camisoles are wonderful for holding the drains so I don't have to pin them to my clothes. I was able to shower in the first 24 hours just couldn't let the water flow directly over my incisions. That was heavenly! Brad was very good about helping me with that. I can say that my belly looks much bigger when I don't have to look past boobs to see it! Was having a little trouble keeping the drains out of my way while showering. Do you remember the song "Do Your Ears Hang Low?"  Well Brad came up with the idea of throwing them over my shoulder (the drains that is). Leave it to an engineer! And it worked! Another friend suggested I tie an old pair of pantyhose around my neck and pin them to that. Also a great idea.  So far Brad's  been a trooper-guess this is where the "for better for worse, in sickness and in health" part comes into play. He just keeps saying he wants me around for many more years, it doesn't matter if part of me is missing as long as the cancer is gone. AMEN!

I could not have asked for better care! I used to work with the nurse in charge of the med-surg floor and pacu.(medical surgical unit and post-op anesthesia care unit). She sent me a message that she had assigned another former co-worker of mine to be my pacu nurse. My sister put dibs in on my floor nurses and low and behold a dear friend from nursing school made sure she was my primary nurse during surgery. Talk about TLC. It was like old home week! It was so comforting to see so many familiar faces and to have such great care from other gals I had never met. Brad spent the night with me and my sister checked in frequently as well. We had a system down for notifying those who asked to be updated that way one person wasn't trying to handle all the communications by themselves. Everyone was very considerate about letting me rest yet keeping in touch to make sure I was doing fine.

The surgeon did a skin sparing technique so now I have what I refer to as "floppy disks".  Pretty accurate really. He was able to leave the little crease under each breast and just a little area in the middle. If I do reconstruct all that extra skin is there and can be stretched further for the implants. Should I decide completely against it then I will have surgery to remove the extra tissue. If you have ever seen a woman who has had a mastectomy it is a large incision near the center of the breast. The nipple and the areola are both removed. Usually the tissue is pulled snug and stitched. For me it kind of looks like a moon crater. Sunken in the middle but raised on the perimeters. The incisions themselves look beautiful-at least to my nursing eyes. Nice and neat with sutures that will dissolve and some steri-strips in place for awhile. I also have a small incision over near my left armpit where they took the lymph nodes. Bruising has started to set in and overall it's a little disturbing to look at but it will get better.

I had a PCA pump to control my pain after surgery and then Wednesday morning when it was empty I switched over to oral pain meds. Seemed to do fine with that. Also a couple of doses of an anti-inflammatory medication made me much more comfortable. The best way to describe my pain is it feels like someone took a scraper and just scraped under my skin from one armpit to the other. There is some numbness in the tissue there. The only bad pain I have had is some intermittent burning/shooting pain in the area of the drains. Now that stops me in my tracks! At least it doesn't last long.

The only minor issue was that overnight my blood pressure was slowly dropping. By morning it had gotten as low as 88/54 and my heart rate was only 55. Both low for me. My nurse was on top of things and called and got an order for a fluid bolus. She gave me 500cc of fluid over an hour and things were back to normal. I was just a little bit dry as we nurses would say.

I was very thankful I could stay overnight in the hospital, although as hospitals go I didn't get much rest. We walked several times and slowly I was able to get rid of tubes and monitoring devices. We headed home Wednesday afternoon and I took a nap almost immediately. The kids and Brad seemed a little amazed at how tired they were. I reminded them that sometimes it is almost as stressful being the family member waiting on the news as being the patient. It brought back lots of memories for me from 5 years ago when we almost lost my dad. Many hours spent worrying-it does take a toll.

Tuesday, April 3,2012

Not really sure how I'm feeling this morning. Some sense of relief that my cancer treatment officially starts today. I officially get rid of "the evil boob" as my sister referred to it! And it's buddy of course. There certainly have been times I have felt overwhelmed but it's in God's hands now and He is in charge. There is a great sense of comfort in knowing so many are praying for me, not just in this great country but literally all over the world. That does bring some inner peace.

We spent last evening at penance service at church. It is Holy Week and the most amazing miracle ever happened then!  From there the four of us headed to Applebees for a quick dinner, then my sister stopped by to wish me luck. I was flooded with calls, texts, and Face Book messages these past 48 hours. You have no idea the strength that comes from those messages. We ended the evening just cuddling and crying. Brad did share that he really wished this was him in my shoes. Really, I'm perfectly OK with it. He is the breadwinner and we could never even try to pay these bills if he were the one sick. And I am soooooo very thankful it's me and not one of the kids. Kinsey's past illness was almost more than we could handle. Thank the Good Lord Brody has been healthy. Being a nurse I better understand the process and I have been through five prior surgeries. Brad doesn't do illness or hospitals well. So although it sounds very weird I'm good with this. If God said to me one of you has to have cancer and you can choose which one I would gladly step up and volunteer! We will get through this!  So for now I'm going to post a few more pictures. The seaweed we found on the beach in the ribbon symbol, a photo of some great friends as we show off "our girls" on the beach, and Brad and I in the sunset.

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Tuesday is just around the corner and there is no doubt it's more difficult to redirect my mind as it wanders in the direction of surgery day. The kids seem to still be doing just fine, can't tell for sure about Brad. I certainly feel my stress level increasing and there have been a few tears the past couple of days.So far though, I have still managed to keep busy enough to avoid a complete meltdown.

Friday was nice. Baked some cookies to enjoy while hanging out with some wonderful students at Benton Central as they worked on editing their literary magazine. Great group of kids with an amazing role model and teacher in Ms. Herre. Stayed with them until it was time for Honor Society Inductions.The ceremony was very nice-run completely by existing members. Each gave a brief speech about the student they would be inducting that evening. Brody looked so handsome, and we couldn't be prouder of him! Both sets of grandparents joined us for the evening and of course we got a few nice pictures to document the event for the scrapbook. I'm so thankful for some of these warm fuzzies to help keep me going!

Saturday I checked a lot off of the to-do list. Spring cleaned our bedroom and organized all the graduation decor and supplies I have accumulated thus far. I finally finished the centerpieces-what a relief! For some reason Saturday was tough. Found myself sobbing a few times but regrouped pretty quickly telling myself no time for that  because I have a son starting golf season and a daughter graduating and those things need my attention at the moment. Guess reality is finally setting in.  Kinsey ran and picked up her prom dress then we spent the evening with a friend who is helping with the alterations. Just crazy the amount of loose ends to wrap up. Sunday, Brad took Brody to purchase some long over due new golf clubs. He was in seventh Heaven when he got home and can't wait to practice with them tomorrow!

Can't quite put into words how I'm feeling today. We nearly overslept for church. I stayed after so Father could give me the Sacrament of the Sick. That gave me some inner peace. I have done pretty well at keeping my tears at bay but I have been struggling with how Brad is feeling. I wasn't sure if I should talk about this part of the journey but quickly decided  if the point is to help others hiking along this trail then it's a bump in the road that needs addressed. All along people have been asking how the kids and Brad are doing. I wish I could better answer that. I just want to get in my husband's brain so I really know!  He has only spoken once in more than a few words about how this is weighing on him and that was pretty early on. He's been great about joining me at appointments and we discuss those openly. He had the wonderful idea of having the photographer taking our family pictures take one of our hands with our rings and his bracelet "say it, fight it cure it."  I keep telling myself his silence is a guy thing but that isn't really helping me out at all.  I have been told by some women that their husbands became angry,  have isolated themselves for a few days, or they just kind of shut down.  Everyone is different and this is certainly a life changing event, really for both of us. I'm going to be completely honest when I say I was devastated that the weekend came and went and we did not so much as go out to dinner.  I take some blame for that as I didn't initiate it, but due to comments made I thought it was already in the works. You see we were to be in Arizona two weeks before Spring Break for a convention. I was so excited as it seemed like a great opportunity for some "us" time, then we would have family/friends time in Florida, then I would have surgery. Sounded perfect!  As luck would have it the Arizona trip fell through because work was so busy they couldn't do without the fellas back here at home.  Brad then  promised we would do something to make FL even more special, told my sister that, told me, even spoke to his brother about some ideas for things to do. That vacation week came and went. Guess I kept thinking since that too didn't happen then he must have something up his sleeve for this weekend. Not so. He got a lot done around here so obviously he must have just also needed to keep busy. We both just kind of stayed in our own little worlds. When I did try to pick his brain I wasn't successful.

So then I asked myself...if I were that cute little voice in a Garman and I had to tell couples which path to choose at this point of their journey, what would I say? Well, I'm pretty sure I would put on my sexiest little voice and direct them down Interstate CC (Couples Counseling). Couples are given so much information, faced with gravely important decisions, have to meet with multiple doctors, face changes in body image, and of course have a vast array of fears to overcome. It just seems a little outside expert advice might come in handy. And of course in a perfect world insurance would consider that a part of the treatment plan and pay for it! Oh boy, now I might be onto something  that would only take years of lobbying for and hundreds of thousands of dollars to accomplish! LOL! Well, on a more realistic level, maybe suggesting organizing women who had been through varying stages of breast cancer and their significant others to be available to speak to couples faced with a new diagnosis would be a more reasonable and cost effective idea. I don't know about other couples but my bills are rolling in quite rapidly and the thought of adding the cost of counseling doesn't seem real appealing. At any rate some sort of guidance for couples to help them sort out their emotions seems like quite a helpful plan to me! I am aware a support group is forming soon at a local church and I am hoping to get involved in that once I'm able. Hopefully Brad will come along as well!