Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Got up to shower and it was obvious the fluid was back again. Again this time it's different. Because it is much firmer it is difficult to tell if it's fluid causing pressure, inflammation, or both. I called and left a message for the nurse. In the meantime my friend, a surgery nurse, called checking in. I explained it all to her and she expressed her understanding that especially when I am looking at it often it's harder to determine amount of change and  with infection it's harder to differentiate swelling from fluid causing pressure. Although she couldn't see the area I appreciated her opinion.  People always ask me if it's harder or easier being a nurse when me or family face health problems. Most of the time I feel it's to my benefit. I find it difficult at times that I know what's happening so I don't want to jump the gun but also I don't want to wait too long to deal with the inevitable.When the nurse called I explained that the area was swollen and that I felt it could wait to be drained  until tomorrow but not until my appt on Thurs. She said the surgeon would probably put in a drain and to come right in.

My surgeon actually came to the waiting area to get me.  He explained that he was going to go forward with another drain because the fluid is building quickly enough that we would be doing the aspirations every day. Even those have a risk of causing infection. He said too that being a nurse I know what's going on and he thinks I will feel a lot better with a drain but it will be a larger one. He held my hand and said, " You do understand that your cancer is gone and this has nothing to do with the cancer right?" I almost chuckled and assured him that hasn't even crossed my mind. Then he followed with "I can tell you are stressed. " He was relieved to know I wasn't worried about the cancer or even that I had to have a third drain.  From there we had a great heart to heart talk. He took a big sigh and said "I'm so glad I asked you that question." I shared some things as did he, for instance that he feels awful that I'm having these issue and he can't get them fixed. I assured him I understand and that as I've said before complications and weird happenings with my health are "normal" for me. He seemed relieved to know I wasn't frustrated with him. I admitted the aspirations, drains, and infection are frustrating but reconstruction and helping my husband through this is what are my stresses. He also wanted more information on my history of infections. This helped him understand why the big thing holding me back on reconstruction is my fear of infection.  We talked how we had prayed together before surgery and I said I've asked God to give me an answer because this is a decision I can't make alone. My doctor reminded me that sometimes the answer is right in front of us and we don't see it. I then shared that honestly I think I have seen it but my husband hasn't.  Again, that's part of my medical knowledge and that I feel I have been a few weeks ahead of Brad in this whole process of acceptance and decision making. It is taking him longer to process everything and I can understand that it would.  Plus we went into this feeling we were on no time frame and then suddenly there was some sense of time that added pressure to both of us.  Now the time frame is gone again due to infection. He did request that Brad come to the next appointment so we can all talk more. I assured him that I have told Brad he didn't need to be at these recent appointments because I was just doing the same thing over and over so I didn't want him missing work. My sister came Monday because there was infection involved so when she offered I said sure. Brad plans to come Thurs. We talked for quite awhile, he held my hand, I cried, he apologized more than once and assured me I'd get through that part. In the end he gave me a big hug.  Not only was my chest drained I was emotionally drained.

Drainage for today was 43cc/ml plus what was lost in placing the drain so easily 50 again. Definitely more than enough to justify this one being placed. Because there is pain associated this time the relief of pressure really helps with comfort.

I feel so fortunate to have a doctor that would take the time to notice my stress and ask the right questions. There are tons of great doctors but there are many that really don't take the time notice the underlying problems  much less address them. His nurse even assured me she would be praying for me. There is a huge sense of comfort in all of that!  For now I kinda feel like Pooh Bear..."Oh Bother!"