Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Yesterday was my pre-op appointment with my plastic surgeon. I was a bit worried with all the issues I've had, in particular the bronchitis. I told him all the meds I'd been on and that I was finally feeling better. This time I used the "no ask no tell" policy. He didn't ask about a cough or wheezing (which I expected he would since I had been on an inhaler)  so I didn't tell him! I did let him know I never had a fever and that I am back on the treadmill with no issues. He listened to my lungs and gave me the all clear. Whew!

I started through my list of questions first asking verification that the lump is scar tissue. He said it is. Surgery should be 1 1/2 to 2 hours and should be a piece of cake compared to the past two. Time off work should be minimal and pain should be minimal. The best part is there is no plan for drains. That was music to my ears!!! Because I had such issues with the anesthesia last time I requested a different anesthesiologist. Looks like I will actually get my favorite one! Pretty bad when you've had so many surgeries you have a fave! Of course I did work indirectly with several of them in my years of critical care nursing. I also discussed my blood pressure dropping after each of the last two surgeries and how I needed fluid boluses. I will not be spending the night this time so if my pressure drops that is a trip to the ER and of course I want to avoid that. He had no idea why my pressure dropped so I will also address this with my anesthesiologist.

This fella is quite picky and insisted on revising the left side slightly. He feels scarring and the extra work he needed to do there last time has led to some shifting of the expander. He will extend my pockets just a bit so as to hold the largest implant for my chest measurement without causing any bunching under my armpit. I got to choose which side I currently think looks more natural. I choose the right therefore it's the left that will get revisions. Guess I am officially ready to roll on the 25th at 11am! I can't wait!!!

Still having a very difficult time with lack of support here and it has led me to  a very difficult decision. I told Brad over the weekend that I only want my sister there for this next surgery. I need to go in without the stress he adds with his extreme discomfort in a medical setting and the lack of support he offers me.  Physical presence only does so much and throughout all of this I have been more than open about the emotional support that I've needed.  There have been a couple of nice touches-the photo of our rings and his bracelet, the breast cancer checks, but outside of that I feel he has physically been there for appointments and made a handful of calls checking on my pain.  Needless to say I'm not a real popular person right now but I feel it's time to put me first for a change. This has been a year long process and he has had every opportunity for dialogue, questions. reading material, support group meetings, you name it. Finally last night he admitted he hasn't been here for me. No news to me but there was some relief in hearing him actually say it. At least now I can officially confirm that what I have felt for a year has been very real and not me just being too critical of him.

No one goes through this kind of stress without ups and downs but I have felt I have done pretty doggone well with it all. I have offered him outlets, I have reached out to his family and let them know he, more than I needed their support, I have said I would do counseling if he wasn't handling all of this. Those around me, with the exception of Brad, have repeatedly told me I have been very strong and even an inspiration. They have no idea that their kind words have been exactly what has helped me keep on keepin' on. So that's my decision and I'm sticking with it. Sometimes no matter how much we love someone we have to do what is best for our own mental and physical well-being. Right now this is what I need to do for me.

Some may read this and say "Wow, that's pretty harsh." As the old saying goes, don't judge until you've walked in the other person's shoes. That's OK if that's how you feel. After all the networking, reading, research, learning, and support meetings I have been to I feel  that by sharing this maybe I will give someone else, male or female, the courage to do what is right for them. So much info will tell you it's so important to have the proper support systems and to build on those. It has taken me a long time to come to this decision. It wasn't easy, and I  have cried over it. All along my doctors have encouraged me to have those who are my true support by me. That has mostly been my sister and Kinsey. Kinsey has a rough semester and it is only beginning.  She will be here but not until after class, and I am just fine with that. My sister has been my health care representative for years and is very knowledgeable. Therefore should there be any decisions to be made she will be the one to make them. Brad will just be a phone call away and can certainly be involved if he chooses to be.

As for now I'm still trying to rebuild my energy level. Still pretty tired without a whole lot of activity. Tonight will be my first night back to work since I have been sick. I'm anxious to get back into my routine.  From here  the countdown begins to the new me...10 days!!!!!!!