Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Thought it was about time that I do a little follow up. So as you know Brad did not come to my surgery at my request, not because he chose not to. As difficult as that decision was for me it proved to be the right one. Deep down in my heart I really wanted him there, that's all I've wanted this whole time was his emotional support. However knowing how past surgeries have gone I was very comfortable that day just knowing that I was not going to have to listen to complaints he had or deal with his uneasiness in such situations. Since surgery was an hour behind that would have been a big stressor for him and that stress would have been deferred to me.  Instead that delay was time to work on planning our high school After Prom that I'm co-chairing. My sister was there and has been involved in the past so we covered lots of topics in that hour. My mother-in-law is very creative and chimed in as well.

After I got home from surgery Brad made no hesitation in telling me that it was a horrible day for him. That didn't really surprise me but I hoped that it caused him to do some serious thinking. Needless to say we have had several difficult as well as some very therapeutic conversations in the past few weeks. There is a lot of healing that needs to take place for me. As I told my sister, it would be easier for me to go through the entire cancer process again than it would be for me to feel that Brad didn't totally understand how much I needed his support and how that was so difficult.  It doesn't seem to matter how old we are the first thing we want when we are sick is our mom. Well mine is out of the picture. Not having a mom at my side and not having my husband as my "rock' left me to defer to my girlfriends. Don't get me wrong, as I've said a hundred times over their support has been amazing!!! However, there is nothing that can replace the support one feels they need from their soul mate.

Some may wonder why I didn't address this topic more earlier in my journey. There are probably several reasons. The biggest being that there were too many other things to share like terminology, test results, options, treatments etc. I did hint along the way that heart to heart discussions and date time were really lacking. Also because as the year went on and my appointments became fewer, there was less medical information to share, therefore it seemed a good time to focus on relationships. For us our birthdays and anniversary are all during the holiday season. I kept hoping that as medical issues slowed we would begin to  reconnect as we celebrated those special events. When that didn't happen the picture was very clear that what I was feeling really was a problem for us. And lastly I tiptoed around the topic because I didn't want to paint Brad as a horrible person.

Recently I again explained to Brad that I had so much to deal with on my own yet I felt I was frequently reaching out to help him.That was fine but the fact he was not receptive was hard.  We again discussed that pretty much anything he may have been feeling or dealing with was normal, he just didn't know how to talk about it or how to reach out. He did "vent" to a couple of family members but shared that he felt no better afterwards. There were books I had offered him that he had no interest in and outright refused to even skim through. He has completed one and started the second. One is simply on relationships in general and the other is on the role of the breast cancer husband. I think I talked about it in the beginning but it is a must read for men in Brad's shoes. It's written by a journalist whose wife was diagnosed. Their personal experience set him on a mission to speak to other couples and to detail how they could have made things better for both of them along the cancer journey. How to Help Your Wife (And Yourself) Through Diagnosis, Treatment and Beyond by by Marc Silver would make a wonderful gift to someone or their significant other who is newly diagnosed. Pretty sure I found it on Amazon and it was not very expensive.

We had our first "date night" planned by Brad in over 14 months. It just happened to be on Valentine's Day. As we enjoyed a lovely dinner at a nice restaurant that we'd never been to we discussed that in 28 years together (5 dating and 23 married) we had never, that either of us could remember, been out to dinner on Valentine's. Crazy! That time spent alone together just enjoying each other's company stress free and organized by him...well I can't tell you how amazing that was for me. You can't put a price on some of the simplest things in life.  It was just as good as hearing "you are considered cancer free!"

Since then we have continued to work on moving forward. For me I have to forgive the hurt I felt. For him he has to learn how to express himself better. There is no doubt that cancer turns anyone's life upside down. What it does to their family is equally as important. Talk, talk, talk is the biggest piece of advice I can give to anyone diagnosed with cancer. One book I read actually suggested that couples set aside one night a week for open discussion about what's on their minds  and anything is fair game. I truly believe there is a giant need for immediate help to be offered to families.  It could be counseling services, suggested books to read, local support groups to attend etc. I do know that the doctor I saw as one opinion did hand out a paper with suggested reading material but it stopped there. Still, something is better than nothing.

Whew, I'm worn out just rehashing these thoughts so enough for today. I'm hoping to have quite a bit more to share along the way.