Sunday, April 1, 2012

Tuesday is just around the corner and there is no doubt it's more difficult to redirect my mind as it wanders in the direction of surgery day. The kids seem to still be doing just fine, can't tell for sure about Brad. I certainly feel my stress level increasing and there have been a few tears the past couple of days.So far though, I have still managed to keep busy enough to avoid a complete meltdown.

Friday was nice. Baked some cookies to enjoy while hanging out with some wonderful students at Benton Central as they worked on editing their literary magazine. Great group of kids with an amazing role model and teacher in Ms. Herre. Stayed with them until it was time for Honor Society Inductions.The ceremony was very nice-run completely by existing members. Each gave a brief speech about the student they would be inducting that evening. Brody looked so handsome, and we couldn't be prouder of him! Both sets of grandparents joined us for the evening and of course we got a few nice pictures to document the event for the scrapbook. I'm so thankful for some of these warm fuzzies to help keep me going!

Saturday I checked a lot off of the to-do list. Spring cleaned our bedroom and organized all the graduation decor and supplies I have accumulated thus far. I finally finished the centerpieces-what a relief! For some reason Saturday was tough. Found myself sobbing a few times but regrouped pretty quickly telling myself no time for that  because I have a son starting golf season and a daughter graduating and those things need my attention at the moment. Guess reality is finally setting in.  Kinsey ran and picked up her prom dress then we spent the evening with a friend who is helping with the alterations. Just crazy the amount of loose ends to wrap up. Sunday, Brad took Brody to purchase some long over due new golf clubs. He was in seventh Heaven when he got home and can't wait to practice with them tomorrow!

Can't quite put into words how I'm feeling today. We nearly overslept for church. I stayed after so Father could give me the Sacrament of the Sick. That gave me some inner peace. I have done pretty well at keeping my tears at bay but I have been struggling with how Brad is feeling. I wasn't sure if I should talk about this part of the journey but quickly decided  if the point is to help others hiking along this trail then it's a bump in the road that needs addressed. All along people have been asking how the kids and Brad are doing. I wish I could better answer that. I just want to get in my husband's brain so I really know!  He has only spoken once in more than a few words about how this is weighing on him and that was pretty early on. He's been great about joining me at appointments and we discuss those openly. He had the wonderful idea of having the photographer taking our family pictures take one of our hands with our rings and his bracelet "say it, fight it cure it."  I keep telling myself his silence is a guy thing but that isn't really helping me out at all.  I have been told by some women that their husbands became angry,  have isolated themselves for a few days, or they just kind of shut down.  Everyone is different and this is certainly a life changing event, really for both of us. I'm going to be completely honest when I say I was devastated that the weekend came and went and we did not so much as go out to dinner.  I take some blame for that as I didn't initiate it, but due to comments made I thought it was already in the works. You see we were to be in Arizona two weeks before Spring Break for a convention. I was so excited as it seemed like a great opportunity for some "us" time, then we would have family/friends time in Florida, then I would have surgery. Sounded perfect!  As luck would have it the Arizona trip fell through because work was so busy they couldn't do without the fellas back here at home.  Brad then  promised we would do something to make FL even more special, told my sister that, told me, even spoke to his brother about some ideas for things to do. That vacation week came and went. Guess I kept thinking since that too didn't happen then he must have something up his sleeve for this weekend. Not so. He got a lot done around here so obviously he must have just also needed to keep busy. We both just kind of stayed in our own little worlds. When I did try to pick his brain I wasn't successful.

So then I asked myself...if I were that cute little voice in a Garman and I had to tell couples which path to choose at this point of their journey, what would I say? Well, I'm pretty sure I would put on my sexiest little voice and direct them down Interstate CC (Couples Counseling). Couples are given so much information, faced with gravely important decisions, have to meet with multiple doctors, face changes in body image, and of course have a vast array of fears to overcome. It just seems a little outside expert advice might come in handy. And of course in a perfect world insurance would consider that a part of the treatment plan and pay for it! Oh boy, now I might be onto something  that would only take years of lobbying for and hundreds of thousands of dollars to accomplish! LOL! Well, on a more realistic level, maybe suggesting organizing women who had been through varying stages of breast cancer and their significant others to be available to speak to couples faced with a new diagnosis would be a more reasonable and cost effective idea. I don't know about other couples but my bills are rolling in quite rapidly and the thought of adding the cost of counseling doesn't seem real appealing. At any rate some sort of guidance for couples to help them sort out their emotions seems like quite a helpful plan to me! I am aware a support group is forming soon at a local church and I am hoping to get involved in that once I'm able. Hopefully Brad will come along as well!