Monday, April 23, 2012
Such a nice relaxing day. I have had the perfect amount of company to help me pass the time and heal emotionally. Today was a very busy company, phone visit kind of day and I enjoyed it thoroughly. The more I talk to people the more questions I get. Today I thought I would take a bit to try to specifically answer some of those questions.
1. Did you ever ask God why me, why do I have breast cancer?
You know, I don't really recall actually asking God that. Now I do remember laying in bed one night thinking "Dear Lord after all the health issues our family has had since 2007 do you really think we need this stress and it's medical bills?" I can't remember feeling like poor me. But I didn't really ever give myself much idle time to think that either.
2. Were you really anxious/nervous that last night before surgery?
Well I was so bummed that the alone time for Brad and I hadn't worked out prior to surgery. He had not been openly talking about his feelings although he was offering some supportive comments to me that really helped. I was struggling wanting to know more , enough so that I wasn't focusing as much on me. I would say days prior I had some very brief fleeting periods of anxiety- this was by far the biggest and most important surgery I'd had and things would never be the same. However, those thoughts were almost instantaneous. Dwelling on that wouldn't be good. We just spent that last night cuddling and sobbing. I actually slept very well that night. I think because I was so emotionally drained.
3. What were you feeling the day of surgery?
That morning I was trying to go over any last minute things I may need to do. The kids were both going so it was just the usual getting everyone out the door. Once they called me back to my pre-op room things were serious. At first it was just Brad and I. They sent me in my bathroom to put on my gown. That was tough! Of course I took one last look in the mirror knowing that my body would never again be the same. However, I knew without a doubt I had made the right decision in order to be cancer free. I started to tear up but could hear an old friend's voice- she is currently head of PACU (post anesthesia care unit). She came in to assure me I'd be well taken care of and wish me luck. I really appreciated her checking in. Her timing was great or I'd been a blubbering mess in that bathroom. Later one of my best friends from nursing school came in to tell me she'd be with me in surgery, gave me a big hug and said she was so sorry I was going through this. I told her I'd had several surgeries but this one was by far the most difficult. With that we both cried. At some point other family members filtered in and then the mood lightened which really helped. I I remember asking for a minute for just Brad and I before I started fading. He assured me I was fine and I reminded him I didn't remember our good- bye before my last surgery. I remember kissing him this time but I had good drugs by then so I don't remember much else to be quite honest. :)
4. When you woke up from surgery was the first thing you did look down at your chest?
No, not at all. I hate that far off feeling as you try to wake up and you try to talk and make sense but you are in lala land. My nurse there was also a friend and prior co-worker so I wanted to talk with her and barely could. I didn't look at my dressings. My biggest concern when I could think clearly wasn't my chest it was "What were the lymph node results?!!!"
5. Are you going to reconstruct?
Isn't that the question of the hour? I wish I could answer that. Right now I can't. I was not super self conscious without the prostheses but I do feel better with it. There is some beauty to choosing if I have boobs or I don't. I got on the treadmill and it was nice not dealing with them! When it's super hot I'm sure I won't miss them! I can be any size I want with prostheses! There is no pain or discomfort to this. On the flip side it would be very nice to not have to deal with something else when I dress or for caring for them. It would be nice to be able to look normal again when I look in the mirror. However, there is still that slight chance of cancer recurrence and it would be much easier to deal with without implants. I know Brad would like me to rebuild but he has really not told me how serious he is about that or how he would feel if I didn't. That makes it even more difficult for me to decide. Eventually I will weasel it out of him.
6. Are you on a time frame for reconstruction?
Not at all. I can wait two months or two years. I don't even have to have anything done with my scars. However, if I don't reconstruct I would like to undergo a cosmetic surgery to get rid of the extra skin the surgeon saved for possible reconstruction. A big factor though is the cost. Yes insurance pays but I really need to do it this calendar year or we simply can't afford it any time soon.
7. What do the prostheses feel like?
I am shocked that they are so comfortable. The bra feels like any other bra. The inserts are heavy when you just hold them in your hands but in the bra and in place they feel normal to me. I have to think about it to remember they are not part of me. Right now I am still sore so I do limit the amount of time I wear it so it doesn't irritate me.
8. When can you go back to work?
I don't know yet. The surgeon told me we would discuss that at my next regular appointment which isn't until May 11.
9. Does it hurt when he aspirates fluid/ what does your chest feel like?
The numbness is slowly improving. Initially it was numb from under both breasts up to my clavicle. Presently the numbness is almost completely gone from the clavicle/collar bone to the top of my breast area. That is encouraging as I can't imagine it being numb forever. Sometimes as those nerves wake up it feels like a sunburn, and I can barely tolerate my clothes even touching it. I bought some snug sports bras hoping that wearing something snug might help discourage the fluid build up, but I can't tolerate wearing them most of the time. Also remember, I have that sizable scar under my left arm that when it rubs on anything it's tender. Seat belts are almost unnerving. I wear mine but put one hand on it just to pull it out enough that it's not directly touching me. Then there is the phantom pain. It seems mine comes in the form of "let down." Those of you who nursed your babies understand that description-the tingling almost burning feeling you got when your baby started crying or when you breasts got full and you needed to nurse. In combination those feelings can be quite uncomfortable. None of those are the surgical pain of course and none of them are the bruising that is still there. Thank the Dear Lord I have a good pain tolerance! I have taken some Tylenol a couple of times but most of the time I just deal with it.
You know, I don't really recall actually asking God that. Now I do remember laying in bed one night thinking "Dear Lord after all the health issues our family has had since 2007 do you really think we need this stress and it's medical bills?" I can't remember feeling like poor me. But I didn't really ever give myself much idle time to think that either.
2. Were you really anxious/nervous that last night before surgery?
Well I was so bummed that the alone time for Brad and I hadn't worked out prior to surgery. He had not been openly talking about his feelings although he was offering some supportive comments to me that really helped. I was struggling wanting to know more , enough so that I wasn't focusing as much on me. I would say days prior I had some very brief fleeting periods of anxiety- this was by far the biggest and most important surgery I'd had and things would never be the same. However, those thoughts were almost instantaneous. Dwelling on that wouldn't be good. We just spent that last night cuddling and sobbing. I actually slept very well that night. I think because I was so emotionally drained.
3. What were you feeling the day of surgery?
That morning I was trying to go over any last minute things I may need to do. The kids were both going so it was just the usual getting everyone out the door. Once they called me back to my pre-op room things were serious. At first it was just Brad and I. They sent me in my bathroom to put on my gown. That was tough! Of course I took one last look in the mirror knowing that my body would never again be the same. However, I knew without a doubt I had made the right decision in order to be cancer free. I started to tear up but could hear an old friend's voice- she is currently head of PACU (post anesthesia care unit). She came in to assure me I'd be well taken care of and wish me luck. I really appreciated her checking in. Her timing was great or I'd been a blubbering mess in that bathroom. Later one of my best friends from nursing school came in to tell me she'd be with me in surgery, gave me a big hug and said she was so sorry I was going through this. I told her I'd had several surgeries but this one was by far the most difficult. With that we both cried. At some point other family members filtered in and then the mood lightened which really helped. I I remember asking for a minute for just Brad and I before I started fading. He assured me I was fine and I reminded him I didn't remember our good- bye before my last surgery. I remember kissing him this time but I had good drugs by then so I don't remember much else to be quite honest. :)
4. When you woke up from surgery was the first thing you did look down at your chest?
No, not at all. I hate that far off feeling as you try to wake up and you try to talk and make sense but you are in lala land. My nurse there was also a friend and prior co-worker so I wanted to talk with her and barely could. I didn't look at my dressings. My biggest concern when I could think clearly wasn't my chest it was "What were the lymph node results?!!!"
5. Are you going to reconstruct?
Isn't that the question of the hour? I wish I could answer that. Right now I can't. I was not super self conscious without the prostheses but I do feel better with it. There is some beauty to choosing if I have boobs or I don't. I got on the treadmill and it was nice not dealing with them! When it's super hot I'm sure I won't miss them! I can be any size I want with prostheses! There is no pain or discomfort to this. On the flip side it would be very nice to not have to deal with something else when I dress or for caring for them. It would be nice to be able to look normal again when I look in the mirror. However, there is still that slight chance of cancer recurrence and it would be much easier to deal with without implants. I know Brad would like me to rebuild but he has really not told me how serious he is about that or how he would feel if I didn't. That makes it even more difficult for me to decide. Eventually I will weasel it out of him.
6. Are you on a time frame for reconstruction?
Not at all. I can wait two months or two years. I don't even have to have anything done with my scars. However, if I don't reconstruct I would like to undergo a cosmetic surgery to get rid of the extra skin the surgeon saved for possible reconstruction. A big factor though is the cost. Yes insurance pays but I really need to do it this calendar year or we simply can't afford it any time soon.
7. What do the prostheses feel like?
I am shocked that they are so comfortable. The bra feels like any other bra. The inserts are heavy when you just hold them in your hands but in the bra and in place they feel normal to me. I have to think about it to remember they are not part of me. Right now I am still sore so I do limit the amount of time I wear it so it doesn't irritate me.
8. When can you go back to work?
I don't know yet. The surgeon told me we would discuss that at my next regular appointment which isn't until May 11.
9. Does it hurt when he aspirates fluid/ what does your chest feel like?
The numbness is slowly improving. Initially it was numb from under both breasts up to my clavicle. Presently the numbness is almost completely gone from the clavicle/collar bone to the top of my breast area. That is encouraging as I can't imagine it being numb forever. Sometimes as those nerves wake up it feels like a sunburn, and I can barely tolerate my clothes even touching it. I bought some snug sports bras hoping that wearing something snug might help discourage the fluid build up, but I can't tolerate wearing them most of the time. Also remember, I have that sizable scar under my left arm that when it rubs on anything it's tender. Seat belts are almost unnerving. I wear mine but put one hand on it just to pull it out enough that it's not directly touching me. Then there is the phantom pain. It seems mine comes in the form of "let down." Those of you who nursed your babies understand that description-the tingling almost burning feeling you got when your baby started crying or when you breasts got full and you needed to nurse. In combination those feelings can be quite uncomfortable. None of those are the surgical pain of course and none of them are the bruising that is still there. Thank the Dear Lord I have a good pain tolerance! I have taken some Tylenol a couple of times but most of the time I just deal with it.
Wow that's a lot of info! You guys wear me out! Just kiddin :) But I'm fairly sure you have sat so long reading this your butt is as numb as my chest! haha
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