Saturday, December 30, 2012

Our 23rd anniversary!  Where has the time gone?  As with most couples there have been plenty of good times along with bumps in the road, and this year was certainly proof of that. I can't tell you how glad I am that 2012 is almost over!  Was hoping we would do something to celebrate but I guess since I didn't plan it it's just another day. Work called desperately needing help so I will be going in for at least a few hours. Figured I may as well make a few bucks instead of sitting her doing nothing, especially after the rather hefty dentist bill we had this week. Probably the way it was supposed to work out.

I am slowly feeling better since the allergic reaction. I was feeling pretty rough the day of my family Christmas here but I managed to have a good time and make it through the day. Can't wait for all the headaches and jaw pain to be gone. We hosted my family here the 22nd and even my 94 yo Grandma was able to join us.  We had a big day of food, games, and ended with a movie. Think everyone had fun and as always there were plenty of laughs. The 23rd was the Deno Christmas. Fun day there as well. Lots of little ones around so that always makes it more magical. Before day's end a stocking revealed that  grandbaby 21 will be joining us in July! After dinner and presents we walked across the highway to crash Uncle Jim's family Christmas. Not very often do both families celebrate Christmas on the same day so we took advantage. These two groups grew up essentially as one huge family-camping, vacations, and swapping kids was just the norm. Lots of great memories between them so of course we had to share the "Holiday Cheer." In Deno speak that is a beer and glass of wine!

Christmas Eve was pretty low key with food preparation and movies then a lovely church service. Fortunately I was feeling enough better that I was able to cancel my doctor appointment. After Mass both kids headed their separate ways to celebrate with their boyfriend and girlfriend. Christmas Day was nice and lazy just as it should be. Presents, brunch, movie time, just hanging out and later a big dinner. As always it goes way too fast!  I would be perfectly fine with most of society shutting down for the 12 days of Christmas! For me it's still time for music and movies, family time and memories. Our decorations will be up for some time yet.

Yesterday Brad and Brody headed to Cabelas for a little guy bonding time. Brody had patiently waited for the trip so he could pick out a belated birthday present-a gun for hunting. Brad had Cabela's points and a gift card burning a hole in his pocket so he came home with a gun too. And mom was happy because they got awesome deals!  Someone asked me what kind of guns they got. My response..."Well Brody got a Winchester that can shoot birds or deer. Other than that they are both pretty."  Yep, I know my guns!

Kinsey and I made a quick run to Walmart and came home feeling some real Holiday spirit. We always do something charitable and this year was no exception-we donated to the local community service fund. Today we were at the right place at the right time when we ran into one of Kinsey's friends. Their home had burned just the day before and only the dogs and pictures were able to be saved. Fortunately all were OK! The family looked exhausted as they shared they had been in town all day slowly starting the process of replacing their entire lives several hundred dollars at a time.  It wasn't a big contribution but I was able to check out right behind them and help with their rather monstrous bill. Then I asked to speak to a manager who pulled them aside and took them to the deli before they left. She explained that Walmart would be providing dinner for their whole family and they could choose whatever they wanted  to eat, It never hurts to share someone's story, usually someone else will jump in and help. Thanks Walmart!!! The best part of all is that as I told Kinsey my plan she told me she had already planned to pass on her gift cards to her friend. When we got home and told Brody he had already shopped the day the of the fire with his girlfriend and they had their own plan to help out. So proud of my kiddos for thinking of others without being prompted!

So the 31st is upon us and it seems impossible that another year has flown by. As I reflect on 2012 there is no doubt it was pretty crummy.  I vividly remember sharing with friends at this time last year that my gut told me something bad was going to happen. Well, my gut was right.  Sometimes I'm afraid of what our future holds. I already know that financially it will be tough once again as my surgery will plunge us into yet more medical debt. If our lawmakers don't figure out a plan our taxes will take a huge hike and we won't be able to claim near as many deductions. Sometimes it just seems next to impossible to get ahead in life and I really hate that feeling. I'm really praying that we can have a good year and just try to get our lives back to normal after 5 years of adversity. Although sometimes I'm not even sure what normal is.  Yes, I may need some cheese with that whine!!!

So for now I am going to do what I have done for the past 12 months and try to focus on the good and not the bad, the blessings not the trials, and the fact that things can always be worse-like losing everything you own in a fire. Christmas holds many wonders and is always one of my favorite times of the year. After all of this I would absolutely have to conclude that "Yes Virginia there is a Santa Claus!"  We certainly have witnessed his goodness and generosity a lot! And most importantly the birth of our Lord brings great reason to celebrate. The miracle of His human existence shows us that all things are possible even when we don't feel in control. If we rely on Him the two sets of footprints quickly become one and someway, somehow, he always carries us through!!! 2012 has been a true testament to that!

Thursday, December 20th

Five days 'til Christmas!  It's my favorite time of the year!  The house is all decorated, shopping is done, gifts are wrapped, cards sent, and goodies are made for the neighbors. Hopefully tomorrow we will get to make some goodies for us! Not that we need them but it's a tradition and just wouldn't be right without some cookies and fudge.

The weather has finally changed and boy does it feel like winter! I am a little jealous that Wisconsin is getting all the snow and we mostly got rain but the white stuff is starting to fly as I type. All would be perfect if I just felt better. Have been dealing with an allergic reaction for nearly two weeks now. Have been told blepharitis, seborrhea, and allergy. I feel it's definitely an allergic response. I bought new eye make-up brushes and when I used them it burned my eyelids. Strangest thing. In no time my eyelids were all red, swollen and even peeled. It is nasty. Have seen my eye doctor, my family doctor and today saw the nurse practicioner. Am to the point that my eyes itch and I'm having headaches and pain in my jaw. She feels it isn't a full blown sinus infection and I hope not. Haven't had one for a year and half since my sinus surgery. She thinks it's all an allergic response and I hope she is correct. Trying some different things but if I'm not better I am to go in Christmas Eve morning for another follow-up. Dang my luck! In the meantime I look like a hot mess and every morning my eyes are swollen half shut. These things can only happen to me I swear!

Trying to still plug along though. Finished up shopping earlier in the week, decorations are all up at church, Brody is done with finals, and we are preparing for two holiday events. Tomorrow night Brody is having a bunch of friends for their Christmas celebration and Saturday we are hosting my family. This little elf has been busy, busy, busy!

Below are a few photos of our little excursion to Indianapolis over the weekend. The circle downtown is so pretty at Christmas!!!

In case I don't get back to my computer I hope you all have safe travels, a healthy holiday, and a very Merry Christmas with your family and friends. Happy Birthday Jesus!!!

Friday, December 14, 2012

Good grief Charlie Brown!  I guess I haven't posted for awhile! Been caught up in all the Christmas preparation and cheer. So wishing for some snow to make it officially feel like Christmas.

Kinsey got home on Thursday so she went with me to my 6 month follow-up appointment with my general surgeon. Sometimes he cracks me up. He walked into the room and immediately asked, "So are you here to show off?" That caught me a little off guard and I said "Well I wasn't  exactly thinking that but things are going well."  We talked a bit then he took a look at my chest. His response was very "uplifting" to say the least. He said "Wow!  I'd give those an A!"  He then went on to feel around for any lumps or scarring issues. I looked over at Kinsey who was sitting there with raised eyebrows. It was hilarious! He said that I had great shape, a great natural crease under both breasts, and that he could tell I had a lot of volume. He explained that most women don't get this kind of result with just expanders so he felt that once I had the implants in they should look very natural. I was quite pleased with his response as he certainly sees lots of reconstructed chests. He reminded me no need for mammograms, just to keep an eye out for any new developments or lumps. For all practical purposes I should be cancer free but it can still return or there can be issues with scar tissue after the reconstruction and any revisions are complete. The plan is see him in one year after the new girls are in place and fully healed!

Kinsey and I did some Christmas shopping then met Brad for lunch. I was pretty sure Brad had forgotten that I had an appointment since it was just a check up and no big deal. After he sat down I said,  "Well, there's nothing quite like another man checking out your chest, saying Wow! I would give those an A! You have great shape and results!  And then follow it with feeling them!" Oh my gosh the look on Brad's face!!! Kins and I were cracking up!!! He still wasn't getting it so I reminded him I had an appointment. The expression on his face was priceless! Nothing like a little humor to keep the day moving along!

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

I didn't know my own strength...only Wednesday and a roller coaster of a week.

Monday night I attended the cancer support group. Due to the holiday season there were only two of us in attendance. I had thought about not going as I had to work all night but I am so glad I did. A local gal who works in the insurance industry spoke to us about insurance and billing. She herself lost a sister at age 14 to leukemia so although she hasn't had cancer she has been directly affected by it.  It was a wonderful chat and a few tears were shed as she talked about her sister and we talked about the stress that so many medical bills brings upon a family. For us personally it really isn't the cancer alone, it's the 5 whole years of medical issues between us. Unfortunately we will be starting 2013 off in the same fashion as I have a new deductible and out of pocket to satisfy with this next surgery. That in and of itself is very depressing! At the end of the meeting I learned that a member of our group who has battled cancer multiple times has had yet another diagnosis, AND her husband is also battling skin cancer. That was a true downer!  Please if you have a minute keep this family in your prayers. They have young children and should never have to experience the pain of all of this. It  breaks my heart!

Tuesday was indeed a day to celebrate! It was my 46th birthday and after the way 2012 started out let's face it, there was a chance that this could have been my last birthday. Of all the women I know who have battled breast cancer, and all those fighting other cancers, it is very clear there are no givens on this journey. Some of us get lucky and others not so much. Each day is a gift and I'm so very thankful to be able to look forward to many more birthdays ahead.

I worked Monday night so slept part of my birthday away. Brody had a soccer game which I attended and from there I went to my weight watchers meeting. Was very proud of myself!  I was just sure I had gained over the Thanksgiving holiday but instead I lost a pound.  Not much but a small victory that I was quite proud of!  There is a young gal in our group who is in college. She has a circle of friends that participate with her and are a huge support team and she has lost 80 pounds since May!!! Over the holiday she went home and visited her group there. They were in tears when they say her 80 pounds less!  I admire her so much for taking her health so seriously and getting her weight under control while she is still young. She wasn't able to attend last night so her friends asked that we all write a note to her of encouragement or with suggestions how we are all going about our weight loss plan. Then this friend will make a book of the messages for her. What a super cool idea!!!

As we walked out I talked to these girls and offered another suggestion. I have a dear friend Miss Courtney. She also happens to be my Mary Kay consultant. After I placed my first order with Courtney she presented both Kinsey and I with a  CD she had burned with songs that are so empowering and uplifting. Whenever I am having a down day I love to listen to this music. I told the girls about Miss Courtney and her CD and suggested that might also be a cool idea to help their friend as I'm sure she has to have days where she struggles and wants to call it quits. They were so excited and thanked me for sharing.

As I sat last night secretly hoping that my husband was planning to take me to dinner for my birthday I began to think more about the need for spouses to better understand. We have gone out alone a couple of times this entire year and only because I have planned it. There is such a huge need for that time!  I just don't think that men in particular understand the importance or need of their outward support especially since it has been a major topic at our support group meetings. If only my nursing background included more psych classes!  I would love to get something going from the very beginning for significant others, a resource for them to help in this area. Ideally a packet of information that includes information on the type of illness, resources to research it, local support groups, helpful tips, financial planning information etc. For so many they travel many parts of the journey feeling completely alone. Physical support may be present but the emotional is often lacking. It's not something that can be forced and it's often difficult to explain, it's just simply a need. Like we discussed Monday night, no one truly understands unless they have walked in those shoes. Maybe some day when all this is completely behind me I can network with some who are better versed in this area and try to find a way to make a difference.

So for today let me leave you with a song that Miss Courtney shared with me on her CD. It is in honor of those who feel alone on their journey and for those who are currently struggling with a health issue during this holiday season...may they find "their own strength!"

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Thanksgiving weekend is one of my favorite holidays. Partly because of what it represents and partly because it's always a four day weekend.  This year has extra special meaning to me of course. A bumpy ride in 2012 but one of many blessings. I decided weeks in advance that  I wanted to savor every moment of the weekend and not be in a rush for anything. Kinsey arrived home from college Tuesday evening and Brody got an extra day of break thanks to heavy fog on Wednesday. So nice to have us all four home at the same time.

Thursday was Thanksgiving for the Denos. Lovely lunch and a lazy afternoon. The fellas had show and tell with Brad's brother's guns.  I shot a hand gun (pink cammo of course) for the first time in my life. A little creepy and a little cool.  The wee ones enjoyed some outdoor time and we made a bunch of Christmas cards to send to Japan for a cousin in the Marines. He will get some and the rest we will send to his buddies. The kids had a good time and were very creative.

Thursday night/Friday morning Kinsey and I braved the crowds to do a little black Friday shopping. We had a blast and got a lot done!  Brody and his girlfriend headed out about the time Kinsey and I rolled in. After a good nap we had the Budreau Thanksgiving. So wonderful to have Grandma Betty join us even though it was for just a short while. Dinner was delicious and we followed it with a a couple of Christmas classic movies which has kind of become a tradition.

Today Brad took Brody on a hunting expedition. For several years the Deno cousins have attended a pheasant release. It was Brody's first time and they had a great day. Brad got his limit of two birds and Brody got one. This is Brody with the youngest cousin who also got a hen. The fellas had an awesome time but were wiped out when they got home. One thing is for sure, they will sleep well tonight! I spent the day working on Christmas decorations. Trying to mix things up a little bit and not do the same things I usually do. I got a good start but am not nearly done. That is to be continued...

Dear Lord, I am so very grateful to be blessed with so much-faith, family, friends, a good job, a comfortable home, excellent doctors, and the gift of early detection which allowed me to be a survivor. Please continue to bless my family, keep us healthy and happy, and guide us along our future journey. Please look upon those less fortunate than us and keep them strong in their struggles. Thank you for your many blessings both big and small. Amen.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Quite a big day!  Had a fill today, 60cc each side and decided it's my final one!  Brad thinks I'm larger than I was and I kind of do too. It was not my goal to go bigger but  it's hard to tell because the shape is different than my pre-op shape. I don't want to stress my skin as one side is thinner, I don't want to have extra shape too close to my armpit or encourage the implants to buckle or bunch. And I certainly don't want to end up with stretch marks when I never even had any from pregnancy. So my final saline total should be almost 600cc each side. That sounds like a lot to me but it doesn't look like it at all.

Now the plan is to rest my chest for 8 weeks and then do surgery for the exchange-to take out the expanders and place the implants. I will have one final appointment to discuss the plan and my goal for the final outcome. Surgery is set for January 25!  I'm so excited that my journey is nearing an end!!!

Also, tonight is my first official night back to work, working the floor that is. I have been in to do paperwork but that is not taxing. I am praying for a good night so I can break myself in gradually as fatigue is still somewhat of an issue. It has improved since I am sleeping in bed lately but it's just so hard to get comfortable when I am a side sleeper. These things are like rocks! LOL

Thursday, November 8,2012

Good grief!!! A week into November and only two weeks til Turkey time. Who would have thought?  This is my favorite time of year for so many reasons. It breaks my heart to think that there are so many who dread it, or who are hurting for whatever the reason. I understand that life isn't always turning up roses but I am so very thankful that my family and I are able to share these special times and make wonderful memories.

Fill number two was yesterday and all is well. Since last week's went fine he offered to let me try double the amount of saline so 120cc each side. I was good with that since there are no signs of inflammation or irritation. Also,  I knew that once he had injected one syringe and started on the second I could always stop him. I could definitely feel a change and some pressure but no big deal. I was very numb and tingly all evening but today I am back to what is the new normal for me.

We discussed  my opinion on size. This fill made a noticeable change so for now I am thinking just one more 60cc fill. He explained again that the size of expanders does play a role on how large of implants I get. If I go bigger than suggested then there will be more shape near my armpits and might cause some "bunching" of sorts in the implant itself which can lead to a less natural look and even encourage more issues with scar tissue. He did show me how the right side has tilted a bit to the side since insertion and how the left one has a slightly different appearance from all the internal issues with the prior scar tissue. I had noticed the left one and pointed it out at an earlier appointment but the right is very very subtle.I'm really beginning to feel like this reconstruction process is quite a work of art. I'm being completely serious when I say that. It's really very fascinating!

Brad texted to see how the appointment went. When I told him I had 120cc in each side his response was, "Don't be going all Dolly Parton on me!"  I was cracking up! He seems to think what I have is pretty good and I was surprised that he said he didn't think I should go much bigger. You know men I wasn't sure what he would say.  He explained because he was afraid I might have issues with thinning skin as I get older. Of course that's a natural part of aging but a bigger issue when you have heavy implants to worry about. Too I need to remember that one side of my chest already has thinner skin naturally. I would say that I am real close to my previous size but it's hard to tell as the shape is different.

We had the opportunity to go to Indianapolis for a special treat over the weekend. Brad's boss and his wife gave us a very generous gift certificate to Fogo De Chao. If you have never been it is an awesome Brazilian dining experience. We had tried twice prior and it didn't work out. Three other couples joined us for dinner. I had a coupon for a hotel room so we stayed the night then Brad was treated to Colts tickets by someone he does business with. That was a cool surprise! I have finally attended my first professional football game! We had a nice time and the Colts pulled off a big win!!! From there we headed to University of Indianapolis to pick up Kinsey. We treated her and her boyfriend to dinner out. It was our first visit to see her because she has been home frequently. Such a lovely and much needed get away weekend. It's always better when it's cheap or free!!!

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Had my first fill today!  That was a pretty big deal  as I wasn't certain what to expect. I knew what he was going to do I just wasn't sure how I would feel after it happened. The plastic surgeon used a little device to move over my chest which located the port on the expanders and then it made an indentation there to mark the proper location of the port.  Next he filled the syringe with saline, cleansed the area, and injected the saline at the area of the indention.The port is between the size of a  quarter and a half dollar so a pretty big target area for injection. My sensation has slowly come back in my chest so I'm not completely numb like I was after the mastectomies. It was just a burning pricking sensation like when you get a regular injection.

We discussed the amount of saline he would inject. Last week he told me he would start with 60cc each side but that if I wanted he could make it 120cc each side if I tolerated the first 60cc. Today he said that he could do more than 60 like we had discussed but in my unique situation he thought maybe it would be best to just stay with 60cc today and see how I do. Sometimes expanding tissue too quickly can stimulate an inflammatory response and he didn't want to take that risk, obviously neither do I! I could feel a change but it was hard to describe. It didn't hurt but I could feel my chest get a bit fuller and it felt cool. Much like when an IV is started and the fluid first begins to infuse, that type of cool sensation.

My appointment was at 10:45 and so far I have had no discomfort. Some women have told me it's very painful for them. Maybe it will be like a good workout and I will feel it in a day or two-time will tell. I do expect that I will experience more stretching/discomfort with each fill. It's all a learning curve for sure. Talking to other women helps but the bottom line is we are all different, the amount of tissue and it's thickness is different, our scaring is not the same, nor our pain tolerance. Lots of factors I guess. For now I am set to go back next week. I can see a visual difference in size, not a lot but noticeable. It's really quite amazing when you stop to process it all.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. People still continue to tell me how strong I am. I worked two nights this week just doing paperwork. One of the girls at work wanted an update on everything and asked if she could give me a hug. I really don't know her very well as she doesn't work my shift but she was genuinely concerned and told me how proud she was of my strength and courage. Her hug really meant a lot to me! I was thinking back on that and began to wonder if there is such a thing as being too strong. Not to imply at all that I am stronger than anyone else or Wonder Woman, or any weird thing like that. I guess what I'm implying is I wonder if I have somehow suppressed any major fears or feelings. I still have not had just an all out good cry, just a complete down in the dumps, cry half the day kind of a day. Sure I've had times where I'm a little bummed, and I still tear up over certain things, but I'm talking about an all out melt down.  As very odd as it sounds I really NEED to do that! I WANT to cry sometimes and I can't. I just can't explain it! All along I have just felt like this is my journey, my cross to bear, and it's no different than any other trial in my life. I tend to face things head on, make the most out of even a bad situation, try to find the good that can be gained out of it, and plug along. Oh well, I guess if it's meant to happen it will.

A friend walked in the Making Strides breast cancer walk this past weekend. She later sent me a message saying that sometimes she doesn't feel much like a survivor, sometimes she even feels almost like an impostor when she says she's a survivor-meaning that like me she had early detection and escaped chemo and radiation. She said maybe she just doesn't really realize what she has been and is going through. I can completely relate to those statements!!!! I told her I think that is where the guilt I feel comes from when I see someone dealing with chemo treatments. You would think being a cancer victim and survivor is a heavy cross to bear but the guilt I feel because I didn't need chemo is heavier for me. Maybe my friend is right, maybe it's the nurse in both of us psychoanalyzing ourselves!  As I told her though , we have still had to endure hearing those words "You have cancer", we have experienced the intense worry waiting  for test results and pathology reports, been overwhelmed with decision making, have experienced the fear of the unknown, endured  the physical and emotional pain of surgeries and of losing part of our bodies. I was telling another friend, non-nurse, non-cancer survivor, about this above conversation and she was appalled that either of us would feel that way. She assured me that no matter how involved our diagnosis we have fought and we have won!  I guess in all her infinite wisdom she is right! Just another reason that all these conversations are so necessary and so very important to the healing process.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

For what started out as a dreary rainy day that had me completely stressed out it certainly ended up being most pleasant. Once again answered prayers!

Spent the day today with a dear family member who was having a full breast work up. Of course we were on pins and needles. I literally was in tears after my shower worrying for her. It probably doesn't sound very believable but I was more stressed for her than I was for me. As I explained to her I went in for routine testing and got the news which was 99% confirmed right then. She was having problems and was sent for a work up by her doctor so there was time in between to worry. Also she has had so many health issues that I just couldn't stand the thought of her having  any more. After two hours of testing she got preliminary good news!  They do want her to see one more doctor just to 100% cover all the bases. Oh what a relief!

My appointment was next and more good news...I got my drains out after 5 weeks!  My totals really were still very debatable hanging right near the 30cc range but since they have been in so long and because of my concerns with an odor that developed in one my plastic surgeon and I agreed that it was time. Although less output than this resulted in more drains and aspirations last time he is hoping that since I don't have empty space but expanders that they will help encourage my body to reabsorb any extra fluid accumulation. Actually, if I have fluid, unless it causes problems, he will not even address it saying that it will simply expand me naturally. The plan is to return next week for my first fill. He will start with 60cc and if I am game he will immediately add another 60 for a 120 total. I could feel my eyes get big and he smiled and his nurse was about to laugh at my eyes. He expects to do 60-120 each week for about 5 weeks depending on how much I tolerate each week. If I tolerate the 120 then of course it will take fewer weeks to reach our goal. After that I will rest for 8 weeks to fully stretch and then the exchange of expanders for implants will follow. Probably not looking at doing that surgery until January if all goes as planned.

I did ask about the difference in size between my right and left chest explaining that I know this is no where near the final product and that I assumed it was just the way the expanders settled in. I was cracking up when he said that at this point he isn't at all concerned about visual size but that they feel the same and he held his hands up to my chest....well gee, much like my husband has done. I was cracking up!

After our appointments we ran some errands and enjoyed visiting and catching up. Once the stressful stuff was behind us we had a most enjoyable afternoon and the sun even came out!

I was so hoping that I could actually sleep in my own bed. I gave it a whirl but unfortunately even without drains it was still too uncomfortable. It's just hard to make a nest with these rock hard expanders. Then you factor in Brad snoring, coughing and speaking in tongues it was a lost cause. When he blurted out "Molly is running around!" Molly being our dog who was peacefully sleeping at the foot of the bed, I called it quits and headed back to the lazy boy. Of course all he remembers is coughing! LOL

Friday, October 19, 2012

For a week of Mondays there have been some pretty good things!  Sunday we celebrated Brody's 17th birthday in a simple fashion with his favorite dinner and a neat soccer cake.It was so nice to have a family meal just the four of us for a change. His actual birthday was yesterday but he it was football sectional dinner where they had fillet mignon-rough life! Tuesday was a lovely soccer banquet to wind down the season. Brody was asked to lead the boys in prayer before the meal and then at the end the boys asked him to lead them in their Benton Central chant one last time for the season.

Somehow when things turn crummy something always comes along to make it better. My mother-in-law surprised me with this gorgeous blanket she made for me. The funny thing is I have learned so much from networking with women. Added a new word to my vocabulary-"FOOB"  You know, fake boob!  Anyway these women tell me they can be very cold in the winter. So I had to laugh when I got the blanket. My hands, feet, and nose get absolutely so freezing due to poor circulation that I have to take medicine. Now if I have ice cold boobs that will just be peachy!  The blanket will come in very handy!!!! If you look closely my step-mom brought me a beautiful breast cancer bracelet. Such awesome surprises!

This adorable bra card arrived in the mail with a Victoria Secret gift card. It said...Girlfriends are like a good bra-always there to lift you up! I just have to share with you what my friend wrote.

Ms.Kim-
During this month where we celebrate and honor breast cancer survivors I want to celebrate you!  I'm so grateful to get the honor of doing life with you and so inspired by your strength and jouney.  I am praying your surgeries go well and the road to a "new" rockin' set of ta-tas is smooth!  You are truly beautiful inside and out!  To celebrate your new beginning I'd love to be a part of a New Sexy bra!!! Go treat yourself to something scandalous girl-you deserve it!  Celebrating you all month long.

Oh Ms Courtney you do know how to "lift" a girl's spirits!  Thank you all for helping make my lousy week a bit more tolerable. I must say sometimes it's good to be the "Queen"!

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Been a rough week around here. Every day has seemed like Monday, two maybe three doctor appointments before week's end and Molly's allergies are out of control. She looks like the dog from Little Rascals because she is loosing hair around one eye. Poor baby.

Saw my oncologist yesterday for my six month follow-up.  She wanted to examine my reconstruction progress. As I took my jacket off I told her I still had drains. She flipped out at my discovery!  As I mentioned Columbia fleece and some jogging suits have pockets open on the inside. It's a much more stylish way to carry your drains around than in a fanny pack or pinned under your shirt and it's  less bulky than wearing the cami's made to hold them. She kept checking out my jacket and out of the blue said "If you blogged you would have to share this!"  I was cracking up and said, "As a matter of fact I do and I did!"  She then asked about blogging and said she felt it was likely a very empowering and therapeutic thing to do. That's when I explained that I was inspired by a good friend and that I so appreciate other women sharing their stories that I had to share mine and try to help others. She was soooo incredibly positive about it all. Anyway once we got past that all looked good and I got the all clear to come back in 6 months.

While waiting the gal who tracked me down at the plastic surgeon awhile back was leaving. Funny how regularly some of us cross paths. She sat and visited and I told her I was not able to find the group she told me to join on Facebook. Together we got it figured out. I will be hooked. Talk about amazing women! Most of them tested positive for one of the BRCA genes. A great deal have family members who have had female cancers so these women are doing extreme prophylactic surgeries to prevent cancer-complete hysterectomies and bilateral mastectomies most without ever having cancer yet themselves. I will learns tons from them especially in regards to reconstruction!

While on that subject I will share information hanging in my doctor's office on that very topic. If you want even more info the number to call is 1-866-BRAC-NOW. Sorry I forgot to write down what group provided this info so we will just say my oncologist. I like to at least mention where I get things I post.

BRAC testing is suggested for women:
-having breast cancer before 45
-if you have two or more relatives with breast cancer
-having a male in your family with breast cancer
-if you have had cancer in both breasts or twice in the same breast
-if you are of Jewish descent
-if there is ovarian cancer at any age

This testing is really a big deal!  It's very traumatic to learn you carry the gene and just as traumatic to learn that your loved ones carry one or both of the genes. Should you be a candidate your doctor or their staff has to provide you with information and do some counseling with you before they will even draw your blood. My doctor's office was wonderful explaining it to me!

So late last night when I was suffering profound insomnia (last time I looked at the clock it was 3:40am) I emptied my drains. The one on the right had a noticeable odor. GRRRR! The insert site still looks fine and the oncologist checked out the insert sites thoroughly yesterday as did my plastic surgeon on Tues. I went ahead and called the office. Told them I was going to call to reschedule for next week as my outputs are consistently 30cc per side but I wanted to report the odor. I understand that these have been in a month and nastiness, for lack of a better word, collects inside the bulb of the drain. I am truly hoping it's just that that is causing the odor. She will report that to the doctor and call me if he wants to change anything otherwise see him next Tues. She was relatively certain it's nothing to worry about. For now sitting tight keeping my fingers crossed!

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Back to the Dr. today after he was out for a week. Holding steady with drainage hovering in 30's. I could tell he was seriously considering pulling them as he looked over my log although he didn't say anything other than running the totals in his head.  I was blatantly honest and told him I was not at all comfortable with them coming out right now, that I wasn't trying to be difficult but clearly pulling them at what works well for "normal" women didn't work out so well for me the last time. I explained that although I was quite ready to be free of them I would rather they stay so they don't have to go back in or so I don't have to be aspirated every few days. He was very understanding and said that my being a nurse really helps and that he was fine with that. So we revert to the prior plan-see him Friday if I think they can come out otherwise call and reschedule for next week. Otherwise he was very impressed with my progress and said it all looked wonderful. My stitches are dissolving very well and the incisions look great!

I stopped by work and spoke with my boss. They are anxious for me to come back so for sure I will go in at the end of the month to help with our big paperwork changeover. I am looking forward to that!  Got some hugs and well wishes and headed back home.

Yesterday Kinsey and I had a great time participating in a promotional my cousin was having in her photography business. There is a program called I Picture Hope where photographers and sometimes make up artists and hairdressers also participate. A free photo session is offered to women that have battled breast cancer. After being treated to a professional make over we packed all our breast cancer clothing and headed to the studio for a fun photo shoot. I can't wait to see how the pictures turn out!!!

Now that it's been 10 months into my journey people are asking more questions. It's funny because it's obvious many want to ask but may be too embarrassed or maybe feel they are being too bold. There really have not been any questions that have offended me or made me feel uncomfortable. It's sort of like how talking about your pregnancy and labor and delivery used to be unheard of in public now many women openly share, I feel the same way with this. If women had not shared their experiences with me it would be a much more difficult road to travel.

Kinsey's boyfriend said he didn't know if he should ask but wanted to know if this surgery had provided any visible shape at this point and what was the next step. It completely depends what I wear whether you can see if there is shape. Because I have been wearing layers to conceal my drains it is difficult to tell. When I took my fleece jacket off and had just one layer he could see there was in fact something there!  We were cracking up! I'm just glad he is comfortable enough to ask if it's on his mind. Then I got a text from a family member asking when I "get my new boobs put in" and of course the conversation took a funny turn from there. The focus was on what do the expanders actually feel like. My response was just about hard as rocks but the "real" fake ones are supposed to feel much more natural. For those of you who have had children the best description is that I feel almost constantly like I am engorged and often get that intense tingling feeling that you get when your milk lets down. It's uncomfortable but tolerable. Sometimes I still have episodes of significant pain but usually it doesn't last long.

While at the mall this weekend we ran into "Bubbles." She looked absolutely beautiful!  She looked amazing and was just as happy-go-lucky as ever. It's hard to believe she has been through so much when you look at her. It was great to see her feeling well enough to be out and about!

Tomorrow it's off to the oncologist for my 6 month follow up. Don't expect to learn anything there but will be glad to have it behind me as well.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Drains drains go away!  Have had quite a bit of discomfort from these  little devils last night and today. Tomorrow will be three weeks with them at my side but I know that it's so much better for them to stay in and get the job done than to take them out too soon. Drainage is slowly decreasing but I am not at all comfortable pulling them at 30cc or less like he tells me, and I am hovering 30-40cc. Guess I'm just a rebel like that!  LOL I am going to be as cautious as possible.

Fatigue is still bothering me too. Really think a lot of that is not being able to get a good nights sleep in my own bed. When I sleep in the chair I usually wake up at least once and usually more during the night. I have been doing small amounts on the treadmill to help build up my stamina. Am up to a mile which isn't a lot but it feels really good. When I walk on it I don't have to swing my arms back and forth over the drains I can hold on and keep them still so that makes a big difference in comfort as compared to walking outside.

I must say Brad likes the new look, if anyone was wondering! Ha ha  Slowly but surely people are getting brave enough to ask how large I plan to go. It's funny because they all tell me their husbands are dying to know!  MEN!  :)  My plan is same size as I was or close to it. I have heard the phrase more than once "Go big or go home!"  I just want to consider that that is a lot of weight to be carrying around. The good news is that I have the cadaver grafts to help support the implants once they are placed. Not all women have those. That should help a lot.

Been trying to catch up with friends and family dealing with cancer-one enduring chemo for uterine cancer, one just received her last fill and will be scheduling surgery to place her implants soon, and then Bubbles.
That poor dear has been through it, just one thing after another-allergic reaction to something, weird pain landing her in the hospital for two days, neuropathies (damage to nerve endings especially in the extremities) in her hands and feet causing itching and pain. She is such a trooper and so stinking positive!  She is my hero!!! I continue to pray for all those I know fighting any type of cancer. We are a sisterhood of survivors and we will prevail!!!

Sunday, October 7, 2012

I pushed myself to attend 5 games this week. Kinsey came home to babysit her little cousins and they spent the night last night. They were so good and always add some live entertainment around here! But I must say that I am absolutely beat!  I decided that when the baby napped that was my excuse to nap too. Later I took another nap. It's been a cold lazy kind of day for Brad and I. Now I'm gearing up to go hang with the girls for a bit for some appetizers and a movie. That should be just what I need to wind back down for a good night's sleep.

Overall I fell good, just the fatigue factor still. The drains are still behaving themselves but it is hard to find clothes to wear to conceal them. I feel like I am wearing the same things over and over-well because I am! :)
He told me to increase my activity as tolerated and did not give me lifting restrictions. I have run the sweeper this week, mopped the floor and didn't really have any issues holding the four month old for short periods of time. I will say that mopping was a challenge because you apply pressure and back and forth arm motion. I had to do that small areas at a time and take breaks but I was not sore afterwards, just some pain at the time. It's so good to feel like more than a couch potato. Ahhh!

Friday, October 5, 2012

Thursday a dear old friend treated me to lunch and beautiful pink flowers. We visited for over two hours and probably could have sat there all day. So nice to catch up and not be in a hurry.

Today I met a friend from church for lunch. I've mentioned her before as she is battling melanoma. She is doing well and is back to work even while taking weekly treatments. I admire her strength to keep on keeping on even though she gets really worn out. We had a lovely visit. One topic we discussed was some of the walks going on to raise money and awareness for cancer. I told her I particularly liked the idea of the local Carry the Torch walk that just happened. It raises money to help cancer patients with miscellaneous bills, transportation, etc. Sounds like a wonderful program. I told her I particularly was interested because it isn't specific to any certain kind of cancer. She commented how it's breast cancer awareness month and sometimes she thinks, "Where is my day for melanoma?"  I couldn't agree with her more!  The support I feel by just going out in the community and seeing all the pink really helps to lift your spirits! I am sure I would feel the same way!

We ate at Panera and the ordering counter was decked out in pink, a counter was set up with free information, pink balloons were tied outside. Downtown they lit the local bridge with pink lights and turned the fountains pink. Pink ribbon clothing and accessories are available in stores all over town. Our high school had a breast cancer volleyball game and does the same for basketball. Our football players had on quite a bit of pink and professional teams are doing the same. It's awesome to see the awareness raised and I find those things to be very supportive. However it kind of breaks my heart knowing there are so many out there suffering from other kinds of cancers and they don't get to experience that kind of support. As I told her I think so much of that stems from the statistics since breast cancer affects 1 in 8 women. At any rate it certainly makes me more aware to be supportive of those that I know who have other types of cancer and that's even more why I want to continue to support events like Relay for Life. Everyone should feel the love!

My appointment got bumped as my doctor was tied up in surgery. Fortunately I got the message so just hung out at the mall. There was just one other gal and I in the waiting room at first. We struck up conversation and she shared that she had just had a complete hysterectomy and bilateral mastectomies while in her early thirties all because she carries the gene. She has no cancer yet, did all of that to prevent it. The poor dear. She said she has just finished her reconstruction but not without complications. At one point she mentioned her sister has had 17 surgeries, I am guessing also for the same reasons but we didn't get that far before I was called back.

All looks great for me. Stay the course, keep the drains in and see him back in about 10 days as he will be out of town all of next week.If my drainage drops enough I can pull the drains. As I left I saw the gal who I saw at the first of the week who was so frustrated. She is still having complications but it was good to see that she was much more upbeat this week. I was feeling horrible for her last week.

I left and as I headed to the elevator I heard someone running. The first gal I had spoken with came running to catch me to invite me to a Face Book  group she is part of. She said she has kind of been private about her experience but likes this group because it's a closed group and offers her a lot of support. Also because she has had complications she doesn't want for her story to scare others about the whole experience. I swear I could just sit and visit with these women for hours. You learn so much! To me it is very comforting to be able to offer each other support and to learn from one another. As I drove home I shed a few tears. Every time I speak with these women it truly reinforces how spoiled and fortunate I am. I know that many of them don't have near the support that I have experienced. It also confirms that although my journey has had it's bumps in the road really it has not been bad at all. Again, the feeling of guilt kicked in an my tears were for those much less fortunate than me.

In the midst of my day I received a text from another gal I know. She is doing great as she's over half way through her radiation treatments. I guess it was just sort of a cancer survivor networking sort of a day!

Like crazy fools Brad and I bundled up and went to Brody's football game. It was pouring and so cold and windy. It was less than an appealing plan but I couldn't stand the fact that I had either had pneumonia or was too fresh after surgery to go to any of his games. I had not yet even seen my son in his uniform. Although it was miserable I am so glad we went! He looks quite handsome in all his gear!

Monday, October 1, 2012

It's October and officially breast cancer awareness month. Since I know I've drilled into all of you to get checked out today I would ask you to ask at least two women in your life if they have had their yearly check ups and scheduled their mammograms. By networking we can cover a whole lot more territory. Besides if they schedule now they will get them in before the end of the year and hopefully they will be paid 100%!!!

Great check up this morning with the plastic surgeon. Was a little skeptical about driving myself there but did just fine.  Surgeon says all continues to look great. Soft area on the left side is not fluid build up so maybe just that my skin has gotten used to the stretching and isn't so tight. Still way too much out of my drains. He wants to see me Friday no matter what because he will be out of town all of next week. He was going to just see me on an as needed basis but decided to be extra cautious and I'm good with that. While he's gone my regular surgeon is on call which is awesome should I have any questions because he knows me well. I asked if the pain around the drains that I occasionally experience could be spasms. It only occurred a couple of times the entire time after my mastectomies but has happened several times since this surgery. He confirmed that and said it could also be a small clot trying to pass thru the drain. My activity is as tolerated including lifting so I can gradually increase that. I have asked about any specific exercises but am just to gradually increase my activity. My range of motion is great and has been for some time, maybe a little slow but I can do it!

I finally remembered to ask how much fluid he placed in the expanders during surgery. He said 350cc each side. That's quite a bit so no wonder I was so sore to begin with. I know some women who have only had 150cc. I'm glad though because the expander he used for me holds about 550 but can be overfilled which he commonly does. That means I'm over half way there!  He said it will be up to me when we start fills once the drains are out-I can start right away, can wait a few weeks or can wait months. I am all about one step at a time so just want to focus on getting the drains out.

Last week a distant cousin had bilateral mastectomies and a good friend's mother had her lumpectomy. Both got great news, no lymph node involvement. So relieved for both of them!

Last night Brad's family received some devastating news. One of his young cousins was in a terrible car accident and it was hours until he was discovered. Hypothermia had set in and he had severe injuries. Although he received excellent care at a major trauma center he didn't survive. Once again I am asking for you to keep them in your prayers as it will be a long healing process as they deal with this loss. It's always tough to lose someone but especially someone so young.

Saturday, September 30, 2012

Did not sleep well at all last night and simply couldn't muster up the energy to go an hour out of town for this soccer tournament. In the end it was OK that I didn't but I felt so bad not going. Brad made the trip and filled in on my team mom duties which I had all organized. The fellas really liked their shirts so success there.

Got a message and a picture from a good friend today. Her daughter is studying to be a hairdresser. She got a pink hair extension in honor of me. So cool!  Thanks Kayla!  You made my day!

Thought sure I posted this but guess not. Just before my surgery Kinsey had her nails done. They turned out nice! These girls are so thoughtful!

Friday, September 28, 2012

Last night I braved Brody's last regular season soccer game. The weather was gorgeous and the set up at the school was such that we could park up near the field so a very short walk, plus the school is actually closer in distance than our own.  Brad took a lawn chair so I'd be more comfortable. It felt delightful to sit and watch the boys!

Since I have been off of narcotics for several days I decided to be brave and drive to our local store for a coke. It's all of a mile away so no big deal. It felt good to get out but that was enough for one day. Got home and baked "Bison chips" (yellow and green snickerdoodles) for the boys and wrapped them in their sectional T-shirts. It was good to have a little something to do that didn't require lifting etc but got me off the couch. Sitting around makes me crazy so this was perfect simple busy work. We team moms have tried really hard to make this pre-sectional week special for the guys as they haven't won a game. They play their hearts out but just haven't been able to get the job done. We had something special planned for each day then tomorrow they will receive the shirts after their tournament. That way they can wear them Monday to school for the sectional game.

I'm 8 days post-op and still have plenty of drainage. That's ok because there's more room out than in!  So far the antibiotic has kept my drain insertion sites from getting so red and irritated like they did last time around in just 5 days. The surgical and muscle pain is getting much better and I've just been taking Tylenol and Motrin as needed. I do think that there might be a very small pocket of fluid build up on the left side although it's much harder to tell this time around. It was easy before because I was sunken and any fluid was easily palpable. With the expanders in it's more difficult. Both sides were very firm, now there is a small soft area. It's not getting any larger so I'm not too concerned.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

My sister-in-law toted me to the doctor and even stopped so I could grab a fountain Diet Coke!  AHHHHHH!!!!  Brad got off work a bit early and met me there. This was the first visit to the plastic surgeon in which it was clear that three of us were there for the same reason. I started talking with one gal and suddenly it dawned on me that her story was too familiar. I asked her name. Eureka!  She had been my nurse the day of my colonoscopy. I didn't recognize her because while working she had worn a wig and today she was glowing with  a new post chemo do. We laughed as we shared that we each looked familiar. She is now 5 weeks post mastectomy and immediate reconstruction. She shared how very painful her process has been, to the point of nearly dropping her to her knees at times. I told her about my experience the night before and she could completely relate.Today was to be her first fill and she was not at all looking forward to it. She still faces radiation treatments :(   The other gal moved about clearly in pain and had her fanny pack on. Her color was terrible, and I felt soooo sorry for her. She was also 5 weeks post mastectomy and immediate reconstruction. She had experienced a lot of pain, it had eased and now she was to the point of intense pain and needing narcotics again, plus she still had one drain in. She said it's all she can do to get off the couch each day. The poor dear was so frustrated she is ready to tell the doctor to take her back to surgery and remove the expanders. I felt awful for her!

Needless to say their stories were not very encouraging, but I had to applaud them for being honest. If you want to witness true courage and strength pay a visit to an oncology or plastic surgery office. :(   It quickly sheds a lot of light on a situation! Soon it was my turn. The surgeon was thrilled with how everything looked from a surgery standpoint. I told him about my low grade fever Sunday and about the severe pain the night before. He too obviously thought possible blood clot issue as his eyes got big and he started assessing my calves and doing a simple manual blood clot check. Typically blood clots that travel to the lung originate in the legs. He said he thinks probably it was a muscle spasm.  Whatever it was I can live my whole life without it visiting me again!  The plan is to see him back Monday if I think the drains can come our or if I simply have questions or concerns. Otherwise I need to see him later next week. I reminded him about the 7 weeks of drainage I had the last time. He seemed somewhat concerned and again pointed out there was still a small pocket of fluid on one side. For now keeping my fingers crossed that all continues to go smoothly!

Between the painful night and today being my first trip out of the house my butt was kicked. So very appreciative for all the wonderful meals so we could just come home, eat, and find our way to the couch and chair!

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Well, I can tell I'm not near up to speed. Keep skipping over and forgetting things. Guess you'll have that. :) Since the choice to move ahead with reconstruction was such a tough one I decided that once I made that decision I had to be happy with it and do everything I could to remain positive.  As mentioned before keeping busy through this entire journey has been key for me. Sitting around feeling sorry for myself was not part of my agenda. Thank goodness I love my kids and love nothing more than being involved in all their activities. That helped a lot but so did a few other things.

Anyone that knows me knows I am a compulsive house cleaner. Of course that was part of my pre -surgery prep...getting to the fall cleaning I wanted done and doing some fall decorating. But somewhere in the mix I firmly believe every woman needs some pampering.  Some of my girlfriends really wanted to do a girls night out. That would have been awesome but unfortunately pneumonia crossed that off the list. I wasn't willing to give up any of Brody's soccer games to go out with the girls because I knew I'd miss several after surgery. In fact it's about killed me that he joined football late in the season as he was recruited. We thought this was all to break him in for next year but then injuries among the other kickers occurred and Brody was thrown into his new roll. I have yet to see him play and it's killing me!!! Oh well I did at least get to see him on the Friday Night Frenzy on the news! Brad has been making it to all the soccer and football games so far so at least that helps.

Although there are so many things to do I did take an afternoon for some self pampering.On Wednesday before surgery I went to get my hair done and then got a pedicure!  It was absolutely heavenly. I would strongly suggest to anyone faced with health problems or simply challenges in their lives to splurge!  Spend that extra $25 even though you feel you shouldn't and do something for yourself. Better yet suggest to a spouse they give their loved one a gift certificate or treat them to dinner out. Everyone needs some relaxing down time before the stressful event. Heaven knows it will be awhile before life is back to normal. Recovery is a long road and no matter how uncomplicated it is never a cake walk.

Sunday I just wasn't feeling great. Had a low grade temp off and on during the evening. I did call the surgeons office Monday just to let them know that although I am aware low grade temps are normal for a lot of people after surgery they are not normal for me. I'm hoping it's related to the thick throat and draianage I was having leading up to and just after surgery. Everything looked fine-incisions, drain sites, and drainage. The doctor wasn't in anyway so staying with the plan to see him today, Tuesday, as scheduled. Then last night I woke up just before 3AM. I managed to make my way to the bathroom but was in excruciating pain. I struggled to get back to bed feeling dizzy and breaking into a huge hot flash and overwhelming nausea.  I haven't started those just yet so that was outta nowhere. I had to wake Brad to help me. What a horrible feeling!!! I wasn't short of breath but it hurt even to breathe at first.   I haven't even felt that bad waking up from surgery, even this time when I felt so not normal. He grabbed a cold wash cloth which settled the overheating. After a bit we made our way to the kitchen and I tried some Sprite and crackers and eventually something for pain. Had the symptoms not settled quickly I was going to head for the ER. Some of those symptoms can signal a blood clot that has traveled to the lung (pulmonary embolus) and of course the nurse in me set my wheels turning. However re positioning and the cold cloth helped a ton! He helped me to the Lazy Boy. Fortunately all that didn't last real long and I fell fast asleep. Even to me that was frightening. The only thing I can possibly conclude is I slept in the wrong position. I can only sleep on my back due to the drains in my outer chest and the pain of the expanders in my chest. I caught myself the other night dozing off with my arms above my head-not a good plan. I am thinking maybe while I slept I had my arms above my head stretching those freshly relocated muscles. OMG I hope whatever it was that it never happens again. I have been taking very few pain pills and sticking with the Tylenol and Motrin as much as possible due to the constipation and fleeting nausea. I took something last night but think I just grabbed Tylenol. Whatever it did the trick.

Have been pretty much wiped out so far today. Took forever to shower and had to nap between that and washing my hair. Now regrouping so I can head to a late Dr. appt. and feeling a little bit better.

Monday, September 24, 2012

My first day home alone. A friend from church brought Communion and Father called checking in. Dad and Dianne stopped by too so it was good to see faces. Four walls get a bit confining when you are used to being on the go all the time! Think I've done well.

Was up this morning and decided to go ahead and remove the pain ball/pump and then take a shower. That was rather strange. Because it was inserted so high in my chest it was hard for me to see the insertion point so I stood in front of the mirror and that helped. After removing the dressing I just slowly pulled up towards my chin until the the catheters were free. The black tips were intact as they should be so it was all good. I had no bleeding or drainage and it felt great to be rid of all that apparatus. My other dressings I removed after I got home except the ones around my drains. I clean around those with peroxide daily and place clean dressings.  Same process as before-milk the tubings and empty the drains as needed then record the drainage. Easy process.

Here is the whole pain ball system.  My brother swears it looks like something out of a weird sci-fi movie. I think he may be onto something! The gauze was in the middle of my chest as you saw in the prior post, the tubings and ball were in the fanny pack and the two antennae looking projections above the gauze were fed down into my chest. They were threaded into my chest 10 inches!  It didn't hurt when I removed them but I could feel the resistance and it was a strange feeling. Not for the squeemish that is for sure!

So how about something much more pleasant?  Brad and the kids sent me flowers that arrived Friday after I got home. Lots of pinks of course!  Very beautiful!

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Today was day three and just as they always tell you in the hospital it's this day that tends to be a little rough. Just like before I'm really tired and worn out. Moving around pretty well but going from a lying to a sitting position is really rough. You don't realize how many chest muscles you use to sit upright, you naturally relate abdominal muscles with that. Had some fleeting nausea today but it didn't last. Yesterday I took off the patch because dizziness and blurred vision are side effects and they were really bothering me. It served it's purpose to curtail nausea so off it came.

I feel the pain ball has really helped. This is a photo of the device and the fanny pack I wore to hold it. You can see that the bag is partially collapsed. The medication is in a ball in the center of the bag and as it is used it collapses. It is a pressurized system that slowly releases marcaine, a numbing agent, into the chest. I feel it controlled the sternal area pain very well but didn't really reach to the sides where my two Jackson Pratt (JP) drains are.  That's what the narcotic is for. I have to use it sparingly though as narcotics can cause extreme constipation. If you are a person that struggles with that I would caution you to immediately medicate yourself with stool softener and/or laxative after surgery. If you like prune juice that is a great natural substitute. That pain can be intense and every bit as bad or worse than the surgical pain.

I was not going to post this but Kinsey felt I should so that people could better understand what they may be facing if they needed a pain ball/pump.  I figure if it had a teenagers blessing it wasn't too much. You can see the medial markings on my upper chest. I was full of markings before surgery.  The gauze has tiny bore tubing coiled underneath it and then you can see the two catheters. They are just inserted under my skin and run mid chest to distribute the medication. The ball and tubing all nicely fit in the fanny pack. If you look you can see all the bumps on my belly. Those are the JP drains like I had the last time. They collect the bloody drainage and any fluid build up. Overall it's a lot of tubing to keep in check and not catch on clothing, vanity handles or door knobs as you are up and about. Taking a shower is a bit of a challenge but feels amazing!

We have once again been spoiled with meal deliveries. What a treat!  It's nice to get to see familiar faces when I'm couped up and it is a huge help not to have to worry about fixing meals. I am certainly not up to that yet. Brody has 4 games this week, possibly 5 so it's wonderful for he and Brad to get home and have healthy  food to heat up. Tonight I won't see them until close to 10pm! I have to say though, the homemade French Silk pie my sister-in-law made might win the award for best surprise. Holy cow was that heavenly!!!!  Thanks so much everyone for spoiling us.

Friday, September 21, 2012

Four hours in surgery yesterday and all went well. There was a lot of scar tissue that needed removed and would you believe he found a small pocket of fluid still there?  My pain was pretty well controlled when I woke but things just weren't right. It's normal to have some side effects from the anesthesia but it is difficult for me to describe how I felt. I had some nausea, my mind and my speech were not coordinating, I couldn't handle anyone even moving around me.  When they had me move from the surgery litter to the bed it was all I could do as my legs were like spaghetti. I just felt numb and like I was not in control.The nurses kept asking if my family could come to see me and I refused for at least 30 min. It was like I couldn't  even turn my head  to look at someone or even keep my eyes open to stare at a blank wall. So very creepy. To be honest the thought of a stroke crossed my mind. I truly felt that awful.  It was well after 8pm until I could talk in complete sentences without my thoughts wandering. I had never had this anesthesiologist and apparently he loaded me up during surgery. It was overwhelming and I  hope I never feel like that again!

The plastic surgeon said  I would have four drains and a pain ball/pump. It was my lucky day because I only ended up with two drains!  This was my seventh surgery and the first time I was ever told I couldn't take a walk the same day. I was allowed up to the restroom.  In this case not walking was a good thing because my sea legs weren't feeling it just yet. 

After my hysterectomy I had some issues with nausea from anesthesia. Therefore the past three surgeries they have given me what is called a scopolamine patch. It's a tiny little transdermal patch that goes behind your ear, a wonder drug for me!  Even with it I had to have some IV medicine to kick the nausea. Fortunately that did the trick and I only needed a one time dose. The patch is flesh colored and the size of  a dot band aid so very discreet and not in the way. It too has several side effects so is only to be left on 2-3 days.

Things were very different as I wasn't running into all the old gang I used to work with, neither of my kids could be there, and I stayed all night but in the surgery center. Brad stayed with me and low and behold I did happen to know one of the two night nurses. I was the only overnight patient and had two nurses so needless to say I was treated like a queen. In the middle of the night my blood pressure dropped to 84/40. This happened last time and is partly why I requested an overnight stay. I received a fluid bolus which worked for awhile then I was right back down to the 80's. After a second bolus my pressure was in an acceptable range. 

Friday morning my doctor came in and explained to me that he saw a lot scar tissue, that the skin on one breast is thinner than the other but it shouldn't be a problem, and that he did find that small pocket of fluid. I was headed home by 8:30 with two drains and a pain ball. 

Thursday, September 20, 2012


After all the fear, anxiety, pressure, decision making...today's the day. Cancer may have taken something from me but it's OK, today, we are going to start the replacement process! :) I feel comfortable, at peace and after that jacuzzi bath pretty darn relaxed.  I'm home alone this morning. Brody is off to school and Brad to work. Kinsey is of course at college. It's just me and Molly. I've done the last little chores I had on my list, said my daily prayers, and connected with the most recent woman I know to be diagnosed. I've answered message after message, taken phone calls and emails. I can't thank you enough for all your continued support through my journey. I'm spoiled, lucky and mostly blessed. Please continue to keep me and my family in your prayers. And I would ask for some prayers for the three women I know who will all next week have their surgeries for breast cancer. Since I have yet to share this video I felt today would be the appropriate time. I cry every time I see it.

I love you all and thank you for your continued support and prayers!

Monday, September 17, 2012

Just needed to keep busy today leading up to my Dr. appointment. Had a scratchy throat off and on over the weekend and some post nasal drip. Hoping nothing else is brewing. Don't feel sick so just drinking lots of fluids and keeping up on all my vitamins. I am one of the team moms for soccer so getting ready for Senior night has been a perfect distraction. So much to do so little time.

Finally, the moment of truth! My family doctor is hard to get into but he is the best! He started my visit off by apologizing for the continual health issues that I've had. He was shocked I had pneumonia just before surgery-only me! He then went on to compliment me as a patient. He said I stay on top of things, am well educated, know my body well,  and just keep plugging along time and time again. I shared that this has been an extremely stressful year as this will be my fourth surgery in 14 months. His compliments really mean a lot to me. It's hard to be on the patient end and sometimes being a nurse makes it even harder. I never want to be that "know it all" or demanding patient, but most of all not a non-compliant one. They are the absolute worst! I have taken care of those kinds of patients and it's VERY difficult and makes everyone around them miserable! It's no secret that when people with a medical background are in the patient roll they frequently become what is know as a PIA....pain in the arse!!! He took a lot of time asking questions and doing a very thorough assessment especially of my lungs. He wasn't at all worried about my scratchy throat especially for this time of the year and because there were no red flags on assessment, just a little post nasal drip. He said it was good I recognized the respiratory signs so early and sought treatment. We talked about how severe my acid reflux has been, causing me chest pain and pressure again. He is relatively certain that is a side effect of the z-pack but told me to come back if it persists after surgery.

He gave me a full release for surgery Thursday! I just felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders! As he did his computer documentation he read aloud-clearing me for surgery, offering his services any time they may be needed, and saying my health was currently good. At that point I patted his arm and asked if he was going to add a disclaimer there and reinforce that it was my physical health that is good as some days I'm not so sure about my mental health. He started cracking up and said he'd known me long enough to know I was good to go in that area. The plan is lots of coughing and deep breathing after surgery. I stressed I plan to ask for an incentive spirometer. After past surgeries I haven't always gotten one. They are the dreaded little gadget used to exercise the lungs and help prevent post-op pneumonia. Torture in most people's eyes, but very worth it. He stressed it was a good plan to spend the night, especially now that the pneumonia cropped up. If I have any respiratory symptoms afterwards I'm to call him immediately and he will repeat a chest x-ray.  He couldn't say enough good things about my plastic surgeon so that too was reassuring. Just overall a very positive visit!

I ran into the grocery on my way home and saw an old high school friend. Two years ago she had breast cancer, one breast removed, immediate reconstruction, and chemo. She had  the same surgeon and plastic surgeon that I have and she loved them. She did say she feels I made a great choice to take both breasts and that she really wishes she had.  As so many other women have expressed to me if they had it to do again they would have taken both sides simply to alleviate the stress of wondering if the other side will one day develop cancer. We had a great visit and it was wonderful catching up with her!

Three days and counting!

Thursday, September 13, 2012

The last week and a half has been so stressful-pneumonia then wondering if surgery is on or off. So many times it's the little things that make us happy. Today I got one of those "little things."  One of our many "adopted daughters", one of Kinsey's best friends, sent me this picture and all it said was "for you!"
Yep!  That will make ya cry!  Just love Hillary!  Thanks for making my day girl!

Shortly after receiving Hillary's message the surgeon's office called. Good news!  Anesthesia says I'm a go for next Thursday!  Since I have had really no cough I don't even have to repeat the chest x-ray which I am thrilled about. It took an act of congress to worm my way into my family Dr. for an appointment but I am able to get in on Monday just for one final check. Seven days and counting!!!

Tuesday, September 11, 2012


The day itself has been a real bummer here. I have neglected our poor dear Molly dog who has been licking her paws relentlessly. She at times suffers from allergies but I have not been well enough to deal with getting her to the vet. Finally today I took her in.  Long story short the vet thinks that Molly is stressed since Kinsey has moved out and her immune system is down so her allergies have flared. Our poor baby looked so pathetic as she was sedated for skin scrapings and took awhile to regroup. Then of course I felt even more guilty  :(

I had just finished lunch when both phones started ringing. My family doctor as well as the plastic surgeon's office were both calling. As I had feared my chest x-ray showed problems- pneumonia. Sometimes I hate my 6th sense!  I could tell the nurse felt really bad as she remembered me calling in Friday trying to be seen. My Dr. is out today but she called him anyway. He feels the antibiotic urgent care ordered will take care of the pneumonia and that I will just need a repeat x-ray. The problem lies in that inflammation from pneumonia can show up for weeks on x-ray. After calls back and forth between doctors it has been decided that it will be anesthesias call if my surgery will go on as scheduled. I am waiting to hear back if they will settle for a repeat chest x-ray next week or if I completely have to reschedule surgery. I certainly understand their concern and that's the entire reason I got to the doctor immediately with my symptoms and was very upfront in pointing them out to the surgeon. Now it's hurry up and wait.  I didn't work last night as I definitely wasn't up to it. I decided to stay home tonight because although I'm feeling better I am still so tired.  The surgeon's office agreed. Besides it's my last scheduled night so I may as well error on the side of caution.

So the roller coaster of emotion set in. A few brief tears of utter frustration as well as the thought of "Seriously, can't I ever do anything the uncomplicated way?" I already apologized when the surgeon's office called. I told her I was so sorry that really I try to be a compliant patient who is easy to get along with but that as she will learn my body has another plan. She was cracking up and said "Well we will hope and say a prayer that this all works out and you get cleared." Then she shot me some dates if I would need to reschedule. Well that was depressing! Not even going to entertain all of that until I know what is going on.

I texted Brad and told him to call me. Of course I started to cry as I very briefly explained what was up. He didn't have much to say. After that I just went outside to blow off the stink and hung out with Molly in the lovely sunshine. Oddly enough Bubbles called me.  Remember her?  The one with a recurrence of breast cancer and now ovarian. Well I hadn't really talked to her about actually identifying her so until now I just identified her as "Bubbles" because that so fits her persona! She is actually my cousin's wife. She has been a great support for me and I have tried my best to return the favor. I had checked up with my aunt so knew her surgery went well. She shared all the details today and her story put my sad sack attitude back into perspective. She got all good news on her latest pathology results so a real cause for rejoicing. She will be starting chemo soon and it's mostly a precaution. Needless to say she can't wait to get that out of the way. And as far as her reconstruction all that is great and she is very happy she did it. She's even considering having the final details completed once chemo is behind her. The timing of her call couldn't have been better and we had a wonderful chat.

So for now I'm just exhausted, but can't sleep, and am just kind of down. What will be will be and I know everything happens for a reason. Being completely honest in the back of my mind I have to wonder if God is telling me don't do this. When I updated Kinsey she immediately responded "I told you not to do it." I appreciate her honestly because that is what I have asked for all along. However, as I explained to her, this has been such a hard decision for me. Now that I finally made it I wasn't expecting  to have a setback before things even got off the ground, especially one that would make me second guess my decision. For now it's in the hands of my doctors and they will have the last word. I fully intend to stick with my decision.

On a lighter note I have a funny to share. Brad had his run of health issues a few years ago but now takes a bi-weekly medication by injection- of course I administer those for him. One night I was getting out of the shower and had my prosthesis laying on the sink. Normally he doesn't even see them. The sink was cluttered with them, with the dressings I had for the incision for my mole removal, both of our one week pill boxes, and Brad's supplies. All of a sudden he and I are looking at each other in the mirror and he says "Are you gonna leave your boobs here?" I respond with "No I just left them out to remind me to clean them."  He then says " I need you to stick me."  To which I replied, "Ok cause I need you to help me with my dressing." We both look at each other through the mirror and look down at all the medical stuff cluttering our large double vanity and we busted up laughing. Brad said, "It's hell to get old!"     AMEN TO THAT and who ever thought 45 was old!?!