Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Had my first fill today!  That was a pretty big deal  as I wasn't certain what to expect. I knew what he was going to do I just wasn't sure how I would feel after it happened. The plastic surgeon used a little device to move over my chest which located the port on the expanders and then it made an indentation there to mark the proper location of the port.  Next he filled the syringe with saline, cleansed the area, and injected the saline at the area of the indention.The port is between the size of a  quarter and a half dollar so a pretty big target area for injection. My sensation has slowly come back in my chest so I'm not completely numb like I was after the mastectomies. It was just a burning pricking sensation like when you get a regular injection.

We discussed the amount of saline he would inject. Last week he told me he would start with 60cc each side but that if I wanted he could make it 120cc each side if I tolerated the first 60cc. Today he said that he could do more than 60 like we had discussed but in my unique situation he thought maybe it would be best to just stay with 60cc today and see how I do. Sometimes expanding tissue too quickly can stimulate an inflammatory response and he didn't want to take that risk, obviously neither do I! I could feel a change but it was hard to describe. It didn't hurt but I could feel my chest get a bit fuller and it felt cool. Much like when an IV is started and the fluid first begins to infuse, that type of cool sensation.

My appointment was at 10:45 and so far I have had no discomfort. Some women have told me it's very painful for them. Maybe it will be like a good workout and I will feel it in a day or two-time will tell. I do expect that I will experience more stretching/discomfort with each fill. It's all a learning curve for sure. Talking to other women helps but the bottom line is we are all different, the amount of tissue and it's thickness is different, our scaring is not the same, nor our pain tolerance. Lots of factors I guess. For now I am set to go back next week. I can see a visual difference in size, not a lot but noticeable. It's really quite amazing when you stop to process it all.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. People still continue to tell me how strong I am. I worked two nights this week just doing paperwork. One of the girls at work wanted an update on everything and asked if she could give me a hug. I really don't know her very well as she doesn't work my shift but she was genuinely concerned and told me how proud she was of my strength and courage. Her hug really meant a lot to me! I was thinking back on that and began to wonder if there is such a thing as being too strong. Not to imply at all that I am stronger than anyone else or Wonder Woman, or any weird thing like that. I guess what I'm implying is I wonder if I have somehow suppressed any major fears or feelings. I still have not had just an all out good cry, just a complete down in the dumps, cry half the day kind of a day. Sure I've had times where I'm a little bummed, and I still tear up over certain things, but I'm talking about an all out melt down.  As very odd as it sounds I really NEED to do that! I WANT to cry sometimes and I can't. I just can't explain it! All along I have just felt like this is my journey, my cross to bear, and it's no different than any other trial in my life. I tend to face things head on, make the most out of even a bad situation, try to find the good that can be gained out of it, and plug along. Oh well, I guess if it's meant to happen it will.

A friend walked in the Making Strides breast cancer walk this past weekend. She later sent me a message saying that sometimes she doesn't feel much like a survivor, sometimes she even feels almost like an impostor when she says she's a survivor-meaning that like me she had early detection and escaped chemo and radiation. She said maybe she just doesn't really realize what she has been and is going through. I can completely relate to those statements!!!! I told her I think that is where the guilt I feel comes from when I see someone dealing with chemo treatments. You would think being a cancer victim and survivor is a heavy cross to bear but the guilt I feel because I didn't need chemo is heavier for me. Maybe my friend is right, maybe it's the nurse in both of us psychoanalyzing ourselves!  As I told her though , we have still had to endure hearing those words "You have cancer", we have experienced the intense worry waiting  for test results and pathology reports, been overwhelmed with decision making, have experienced the fear of the unknown, endured  the physical and emotional pain of surgeries and of losing part of our bodies. I was telling another friend, non-nurse, non-cancer survivor, about this above conversation and she was appalled that either of us would feel that way. She assured me that no matter how involved our diagnosis we have fought and we have won!  I guess in all her infinite wisdom she is right! Just another reason that all these conversations are so necessary and so very important to the healing process.