Thursday, May 3rd, 2012

Many of you are so sweet in sending me comments and messages. One that repeats itself is that I am so courageous and strong.  Although honored you feel that way, I think you all would be the same. We have ALL been through some sort of hell here on Earth-an addiction, a health problem, the loss of a loved one, or a divorce. We all have our crosses to bear.  Rest assured, if I were undergoing treatments you can bet I'd be a basket case!!! I am confident that if any one of you were going through this you too would be a survivor. We are women and mom's and that is just simply what we do. Not saying men are not that way too I just can't speak for them :)

Grieving-it's not just a part of death and dying but is experienced in other areas of our lives. I'm pretty sure my family and I are all experiencing some form of it. They say they are doing OK when I ask. However, I have been able to see for almost two weeks that this is taking a toll mostly on Brad. The first time I shared with him that someone asked how he was doing he acted sort of baffled. He was confused why they would ask about him. I explained because although he may not realize it this affects both of us, in fact ALL of us. I tried to explain that before surgery to him and the kids but am not sure still that they fully grasp that. When people ask the kids how they are doing they cheerily say "fine.". But are they really? I think when we talked the other day Brad began to better understand.  He and Kinsey tend to be less vocal yet are supportive. Brody will verbalize most of the time. I haven't shared all the ways they are supportive but some I have-Brad ordering the breast cancer checks and not telling me and thinking of the cool bracelet photo, Kinsey insisting on wearing her bracelet to the prom, Brody seeing subtle tears and offering his support and sharing which of his friends have checked in on me. After I posted about Brad ordering the checks I gave him a big hug and thanked him for surprising me and of course teared up a bit. Later a friend emailed saying how lucky I am to have him!  It was a very cool message! But ya know I don't think I shared that message with him. It was sent to me but was all about him.  I took it to heart and yes, you guessed it, shed a tear. I will be printing that and sharing it with him. Repeatedly when people have asked how he's doing or have offered to help us in some way I've let him know that. However I'm wondering if he has felt all the focus is on me and therefore he's left to deal alone.

It's no big secret that this week has been stressful. The pressure of thinking I may need a decision on reconstruction soon has been weighing so heavily on my mind. Although I've weaseled some info from Brad I know he has more to share. He has never been comfortable with medical issues or hospitals and that was clear with his grandma's death and his dad's stroke. After a very rough day for me and a few crazy weeks at work for him stress took over.  I need to better learn how to pick his brain and he needs to better verbalize.  (And by the way, he reads my blog and tells me so far he's good with all of it-smiley)

As I told my sister when we had a good talk, there have been so many "God moments" for me. Support is oozing from family and friends and even people I don't know well at all. I had to wonder if Brad is feeling that too. Finally I just asked him. A few have asked him directly how he's doing but he hasn't really given them much of an answer.  So I asked when folks checked in on him did he or would he tell them the truth or would he keep it inside? He wasn't sure. He admitted how much he's struggling. I do believe that was a weight off his shoulders and mine. I really needed to know that and he really needed to say it. He said he cried when he read my post saying I was glad I had cancer and not him or the kids.  He feels it should be him. That in turn broke my heart. So far at least, my faith, the support of all of you, and simply looking for the silver lining has been healing for me. He is working on seeing all of that right now. We have sooooo much more to talk about! Boy how I would love to get him to make a couple posts. I truly believe his insight could be such a huge help for others going through this. His perspective could do wonders for the fellas out there I am sure.

And so, in the midst of this week,  a close friend called and asked if he could come hang out with Brad for some guy bonding. Brad of course thought I put him up to it. Not at all! There ya go, another "God thing". So for now we are taking baby steps to both try to feel better about not just reconstruction thoughts but the whole big picture.  I'm expecting that Brad's evening out will be just what he needs.   For now, I'd like to thank our dear friend for taking a minute to pick up the phone and not just check on me but on the hubster as well!