Thursday, May 31, 2012

HAPPY NATIONAL CANCER SURVIVOR'S DAY!  Until the support group Tuesday night I had no idea such a thing existed. How totally awesome is that?!!! I do believe for hundreds of thousands of people across America it is a true cause to celebrate! I would love to encourage those of you who know someone battling cancer to pick up the phone, send a text, shoot an email or stop by and simply give them a hug.  They may be recently treated or may be cancer free for years. Whatever the case they are a survivor!!!

It's been eight weeks since my surgery, don't know where the time has gone. I am still getting text messages from friends and family checking in as well as cards in the mail. So many have apologized for their well wishes coming later. They have no idea how much I appreciate them!!! The cancer journey lasts for many months, for some it never really ends. Not sure about anyone else but for me it seems that some of the days following diagnosis and treatment are the more difficult ones. I am certain I'm still trying to absorb it all.

As I've mentioned before my diagnosis and surgery might actually have been the easier parts of my journey. Weighing reconstruction as well as working through this with my husband have certainly seemed the biggest road blocks for me thus far. I ordered a book titled Breast Cancer Husband How To Help Your Wife (And Yourself) Through Diagnosis, Treatment, And Beyond by Marc Silver. The author is a breast cancer husband who's wife is presently cancer free. He has been there and done that and is brutally honest as he covers all aspects of diagnosis and treatment.

My intent was to get it for Brad, however curiosity killed the cat and I had to read it first. That was actually a good thing. Reading it helped confirm that the things I think he is experiencing/feeling are totally normal and that my perceptions and frustrations regarding them are also totally normal. I have tried to talk to him about or help prepare him for some of the things I know to expect.  I'm no expert in this area and I certainly don't know where life is going to lead us from day to day. However my small amount of psych background along with experiences I have through nursing have certainly better helped prepare me for some of struggles we are up against. I'm not sure sharing those thoughts has helped Brad much. Hopefully he will get the time to sit down for a good read very soon.

Since today is a celebration of life, be it one more day or hundreds of more days, it just seems appropriate to also share this video. It doesn't have to be cancer that cuts our lives short, it can be a heart attack or a car accident. Remembering to smell the roses and and slow down the dash can be therapeutic for all of us!

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

And so the next phase of my journey begins. Last evening I took one of my first steps as a breast cancer survivor and attended a cancer support group meeting. What a wonderful experience! A young woman who has been a lifeline for a local family battling the unthinkable...colon cancer with recurrences for the mother and skin cancer with recurrences for the father, decided she wanted to do something to help those afflicted by this modern day plague. The group is brand new so a work in progress for those organizing as well as participating. Her ideas are fresh, energetic, and obviously motivated by love. Last night's meeting was the official kick off and featured two young women from the American Cancer Society. They  came to speak and explain just a few of the dozens of services and resources cancer patients and their families have at their fingertips as well as information about the local upcoming Relay for Life.

One service that sounded particularly uplifting is called the Look Good Feel Better program. It offers women struggling with the toll cancer takes on their bodies some assistance in rebuilding their self esteem through their new found appearance. They are shown scarves, wigs, and make-up but best of all are taught how to properly wear them. A volunteer beauty professional  assists the women with such things as drawing in eyebrows where theirs once were, healthy skin care for a chemo patient, and proper care of a wig.  One guest last night had attended such a program and said it was simply amazing.

Another program referred to as Reach To Recovery is specifically focused on breast cancer patients. It is a support system of volunteers who have had breast cancer and are willing to speak with women in regards to many aspects of the illness. The caller answers a series of questions and then a volunteer is paired with them who hopefully has had a similar experience. I called the 800 number today requesting to speak with someone about reconstruction. The help line is open 24 hours and is available to refer you to any services you may need.

If you are someone you know has a cancer diagnosis new or old the American Cancer Society is a great resource. Visit www.cancer.org or call 1-800-227-2345. In the meantime, if you or a loved one needs a little extra motivation to stay strong on their journey this song may give them some inspiration. Thanks to a follower who reminded me of this!!!

Monday, May 28, 2012

Memorial Day in Indiana.  A day to remember those who have served our country, fallen heroes, and loved ones we have lost. It's always a bit overwhelming to stop and think about how we became such a great country and the sacrifices that were made to allow us to be "the land of the free and the home of the brave."

Thinking of those gone before us makes me think a bit more about my own morbidity. I could be fighting for my life right now, undergoing chemo and/or radiation, be searching out the best treatment options or traveling out of town for the most expert of opinions, maybe even participating in clinical trials. Cancer has done a great job of causing physical and emotional stress, has changed my body image forever, has cost thousands of dollars and has certainly altered my daily routine. But because I was fortunate enough to have early detection it all seems sort of surreal.  Sometimes it's hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that I have had breast cancer. Yes the scars are there and I see them every day, but the fact that surgery is considered curative for me makes the journey so much easier! I can't tell you how overwhelmingly thankful I am that chemo wasn't needed. Although I missed half of Brody's golf matches due to recovery had I needed chemo I likely would have missed most or all of them. I must admit I haven't been able to enjoy all the Senior festivities as much as I normally would have but I have at least been able to attend.  Chemo would have robbed me of energy needed for party preparations for Kinsey's graduation, something I truly enjoy. I am convinced it would have taken away the positive attitude I have worked so hard to try to maintain. It simply would have rocked my world!!! Life has no guarantees, no handbook, and certainly sometimes isn't fair. My journey hasn't been pleasant by any means, but it has given me a greater appreciation for the simple everyday things we take for granted. It has given me a stronger prayer life and made me realize the incredible gift of supportive family and friends. You can't put a price on being able to wake up every morning and kiss your kids and hug your spouse. There is something to be said for that for sure!

Katherine Stephens Gallagher summed it up this way- "No matter what our setbacks, difficulties or pain, we can get through them.  Only through these moments of hell do we reach deep down within our being and discover who we are, what we believe and what is important and "real" in our lives.  We experience a "knowing of our soul."  I couldn't agree with her more!

Monday, May 21, 2012

It's been a full week since the last drain was pulled and fluid was aspirated. Unfortunately he aspirated the right side again today and I'm 7 weeks post-op. Good grief!  He said he wasn't real impressed with the left side as it's still swollen and he feels probably does have some scar tissue already. I'm to try Motrin to relieve the pressure I feel especially when lying on my left side He anticipates that if I were to reconstruct that the right side would do better than the left since it has had infection. He released me to return to work but I still have to be careful with my arms. No water sports for 6 weeks and see him in a month unless fluid accumulates again. He said that he will aspirate but of course again is worried about so many pin pricks being a potential for infection. Just crazy that this stuff will not either reabsorb on it's own or simply quit being produced. My body always keeps my doctors hopping so not much surprises me anymore.

So far it's going well wearing my bra. I feel it looks very close to the "old me" and the only real issue is that I can't wear anything too low cut or you can see where my bra sits and my chest is sunken. Due to the extra skin left behind I do still have just a slight bit of raised tissue in the middle of my chest but it rapidly caves in. I do have some discomfort at times from that swollen tissue on the left as the bra exerts pressure but it's not bad.  I can't wait for the other bras to come in as I have to strategically plan when I can wash this one so it's dry in time for the next wearing (needs to hang to dry of course). Hopefully that will be this week.

Friday, May 18, 2012

This month is flying by so much so my head is spinning some days. This is the last full week of school for the kids and it's been insanely busy. I don't think I have seen Kinsey much before nine each night and Brody had three golf matches. He has worked really hard and shot his personal best of par at an away match this week. He was pumped up!  Twice this week he hit the ball which hit the flag and dropped straight in the whole. Unbelievable!  The second one was amazing!  He was on the other side of a mound and was chipping to get on the green when up and in it went. We were cracking up! So happy for him :)

The left side has not felt quite right since this last JP drain came out. It is mostly uncomfortable when I try to sleep on that side, I just can't do it.  Feels like a lot of pressure. I'm not sure what that is as I was able to sleep on my left with all the drains. It is still swollen but softening. I can't tell if there is any fluid however there is just a bit back in the right. We'll  have to wait and see at the Monday appointment.

In the meantime I'm plugging away on tasks I can do by myself without overdoing it.  When I take a break I sit down with my feet up and pray or read. All too soon I will have finished my Chicken Soup for the Survivor's Soul book. Although addicted I have forced myself to read it only a few stories at a time. The personal experiences are so deep and moving that I like to take them all in. In almost every account there is something I can relate to. The human spirit is incredibly amazing!

Here is an excerpt on attitude that's worth sharing:

-Being a victim is a state of body. Being a survivor is a state of mind.
-A victim fears hair falling out. A survivor knows bald is beautiful.
-A victim knows about feeling down.  A survivor knows feeling down is OK.
-A victim fears the side effects of treatments.  A survivor wonders how to cancel his membership in the Side-Effect-of-the-Month Club.
-A victim is amazed at all the tears.  A survivor never leaves home without a Kleenex.
-A victim goes to "see" a doctor. A survivor "consults" with her or her physician.
-A victim gets caught in despair. A survivor prays a lot.
-A victim feels helpless.  A survivor says "thanks" with dignity and grace.
-A victim enjoys a good laugh.  A survivor loves one.
-From the moment we are diagnosed, we are victims.  We must CHOOSE to be survivors.
                                                                                     Paula (Bachleda) Koskey

I would have to agree that at least for my journey I can relate to many of these statements, especially the praying and laughing-extreme opposites but both so important to me!

Monday, May 14

Six weeks post-op, doctor visit number 11 since surgery-pretty sure my truck knows it's way to the office! LOL  Doctor removed the drain in the left and is suspecting the site may still drain some.  I pointed out that the right, which has appeared to be "stuck down" as he refers to it, had fluid again. I have watched it closely and hadn't noticed any for several days but  the last week it has slowly been accumulating. He aspirated it, that being the 4th time on that side, and got 20cc. Not a lot but still there. I am to stay on the antibiotic one more week as a precaution and see him back next Monday unless I need drained again then I am to call. We might actually be able to discuss when I can return to work at that appointment. He said he'd just like to get me to be back to "normal" for a whole month straight. I almost laughed and asked if he could define "normal".

After my appointment I ran next door to the hospital to see the newest member of the family. Meet our precious little nephew who arrived last evening on Mother's Day!  He makes number four in his family, three boys one girl. That's 20 grandchildren on my husband's side.  As you can tell his only Sissy is very proud!  I just loved cuddling him!

From there ran to try to get more bras. One came in and doesn't fit and one is back ordered.  Bummer!  I'm really needing more than one so am hoping to get that settled this week.

Extremely tired today for some reason. I'm hoping the rest of this week can be completely uneventful so I can actually do more things myself. I am soooooo not a sedentary person and being good for 6 full weeks is just about to unnerve me!

Sunday, May 13


Happy Mother's Day to all you moms out there! It was a gorgeous weekend here which translated into lots of lawn work accomplished. Brad and I normally work side by side on yard projects but I've had to lay low. About all I got to do was to supervise and throw small brush on the fire, but at least I felt useful! Crossing so much off the graduation to-do list significantly decreased my stress level about the open house being a month away.




Had another episode of waking in the middle of the night. Love my Chicken Soup book during these times. Found some good stuff to share.


"It is our attitude at the beginning of a difficult undertaking which more than anything else, will determine it's outcome."    William James


"Attitude is everything in the recovery of cancer. You gotta have a 'tude if you expect to take a licking and come back ticking.  Tumor humor is not warm and friendly; it's scrappy and sometimes nasty and tasteless, a sort of chemotherapy for the spirit-necessary but (not always) nice."       Robert Lipsyte




My family started the day at church.  It was a full house and even the choir loft was packed! Father offers the Sacrament of the Sick once a month and there was a line of us waiting. A man with multiple sclerosis and his wife who had had surgery, a young man whose appendix had acted up and landed him in the hospital, a grade school student who suffered whiplash when her bus blew a tire, and two of us with breast cancer. That makes three from our tiny church dealing with breast cancer right now. Unfortunately this gal is struggling. I don't really know her other than her name, but I took a moment to speak to her and her husband afterwards letting them know I was praying for her and offered that if she needed someone to talk to that she could call me anytime. They both thanked me and we struck up some small talk. Bless her heart she looked so frail and weak. Seeing that brings a sense of guilt to me. I know it shouldn't but it does :(
As Sister Sue Tracy said so well, "I believe God has bestowed a special mission to be present and supportive of fellow travelers on the cancer journey. So midst the ups, and downs and in-betweens, I feel richly blessed."  I think I resemble that statement!

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Third doctor appointment this week is behind me. Drainage still significant so seeing the doctor again on  Monday. Brad did join me and the surgeon spoke with us for quite awhile. He said although he feels I am still a little on the fence, he feels I am very justified especially in light of this current infection to be skeptical of reconstructing. He again explained that at the present we are back to not being on any time frame for a decision and that although all this drainage/infection is very frustrating it is a minor setback. He is very frustrated that he can't resolve it. I added  I do understand that because if I were needing chemo the infection would be holding up that whole process and be a juggling act. Again so much to be thankful for! When I am finally past all of this I will get to actually wear my prostheses for a long period of time and have a better opinion on how I feel and look with it. Although I've had it I have only worn it about a week due to drains being in the way.

I finally made it to a golf match for Brody and it was his best one yet!  Was so glad for him!!!  At the end we moms were talking and yet another local woman has been diagnosed with  breast cancer. One of them said, "Is it like a breast cancer epidemic around here or what?"  It's so creepy, that is five women I know here locally that have been diagnosed in the last five months. Two of them were not fortunate enough to catch it early and are going to have very long roads ahead. I keep all of them in my prayers as I know that although we women share a lot we each have our own internal struggles with all of this. I would encourage anyone going through it to TALK to someone who will listen. It is a great healing tool!

Some interesting info from the National Cancer Institute ( I have posted some but here are a few I didn't cover)

-Outside of skin cancer breast cancer is the most common type among US women. Each year over 192,000 are diagnoses. That is staggering!
-Breast cancer affects approximately 2,000 US men each year.
-Women having radiation therapies to the chest before age 30 have increased risk
-Women who never had children are at an increased risk
-Dense breasts puts you at increased risk
-Being overweight and inactive are risk factors

Most show no symptoms with breast cancer but below are some warning signs:
-Lump, nodule, thickening anywhere in the breast or underarm (don't forget to feel under both arms!)
-Change in size or shape of breast
-Dimples or puckers
-Nipple turning inward
-Discharge from the nipple, in particular blood
-Scaly, red, or swollen skin on the breast, nipple, or areola (dark area around the nipple)
*** Many breast cancers are actually found by a significant other!

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Can tell this has all really worn me out! Just exhausted and it's only Wednesday. Still significant output from the drain today. Talked with a Face Book friend who shared she didn't have breast cancer but a breast surgery and she drained for 13 weeks. If that happens I'll be posting from the funny farm!!!

I was going through pictures and had totally forgotten that the morning of my surgery I had Brad get a picture of the kids and I in all our pink. Really glad I did that. Also in my spring time sorting I found the letters the kids each wrote me. That morning was so busy I had totally forgotten. Kinsey's was so sweet telling me "You're the toughest woman I know so kick cancer! We've got your back."  Brody's had sweet thoughts too and he ended his with these quotes:


"Courage is not the absence of fear, rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear."
"In time of test, family is best."
"Turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you."
"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face."  I have AMAZING kids!

On a lighter note I simply have to share the email a good friend sent me:

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term test. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' It was worth 70 points or none at all. One student in particular was hard put to think of seven advantages.

He wrote:

1. It is perfect formula for the child.
2. It provides immunity against several diseases.
3. It is always the right temperature.
4. It is inexpensive.
5. It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6. It is always available as needed.

And then, the student was stuck. But finally in desperation, just before the bell rang, he wrote…

7. It comes in two attractive reusable containers.

He got an A+

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Got up to shower and it was obvious the fluid was back again. Again this time it's different. Because it is much firmer it is difficult to tell if it's fluid causing pressure, inflammation, or both. I called and left a message for the nurse. In the meantime my friend, a surgery nurse, called checking in. I explained it all to her and she expressed her understanding that especially when I am looking at it often it's harder to determine amount of change and  with infection it's harder to differentiate swelling from fluid causing pressure. Although she couldn't see the area I appreciated her opinion.  People always ask me if it's harder or easier being a nurse when me or family face health problems. Most of the time I feel it's to my benefit. I find it difficult at times that I know what's happening so I don't want to jump the gun but also I don't want to wait too long to deal with the inevitable.When the nurse called I explained that the area was swollen and that I felt it could wait to be drained  until tomorrow but not until my appt on Thurs. She said the surgeon would probably put in a drain and to come right in.

My surgeon actually came to the waiting area to get me.  He explained that he was going to go forward with another drain because the fluid is building quickly enough that we would be doing the aspirations every day. Even those have a risk of causing infection. He said too that being a nurse I know what's going on and he thinks I will feel a lot better with a drain but it will be a larger one. He held my hand and said, " You do understand that your cancer is gone and this has nothing to do with the cancer right?" I almost chuckled and assured him that hasn't even crossed my mind. Then he followed with "I can tell you are stressed. " He was relieved to know I wasn't worried about the cancer or even that I had to have a third drain.  From there we had a great heart to heart talk. He took a big sigh and said "I'm so glad I asked you that question." I shared some things as did he, for instance that he feels awful that I'm having these issue and he can't get them fixed. I assured him I understand and that as I've said before complications and weird happenings with my health are "normal" for me. He seemed relieved to know I wasn't frustrated with him. I admitted the aspirations, drains, and infection are frustrating but reconstruction and helping my husband through this is what are my stresses. He also wanted more information on my history of infections. This helped him understand why the big thing holding me back on reconstruction is my fear of infection.  We talked how we had prayed together before surgery and I said I've asked God to give me an answer because this is a decision I can't make alone. My doctor reminded me that sometimes the answer is right in front of us and we don't see it. I then shared that honestly I think I have seen it but my husband hasn't.  Again, that's part of my medical knowledge and that I feel I have been a few weeks ahead of Brad in this whole process of acceptance and decision making. It is taking him longer to process everything and I can understand that it would.  Plus we went into this feeling we were on no time frame and then suddenly there was some sense of time that added pressure to both of us.  Now the time frame is gone again due to infection. He did request that Brad come to the next appointment so we can all talk more. I assured him that I have told Brad he didn't need to be at these recent appointments because I was just doing the same thing over and over so I didn't want him missing work. My sister came Monday because there was infection involved so when she offered I said sure. Brad plans to come Thurs. We talked for quite awhile, he held my hand, I cried, he apologized more than once and assured me I'd get through that part. In the end he gave me a big hug.  Not only was my chest drained I was emotionally drained.

Drainage for today was 43cc/ml plus what was lost in placing the drain so easily 50 again. Definitely more than enough to justify this one being placed. Because there is pain associated this time the relief of pressure really helps with comfort.

I feel so fortunate to have a doctor that would take the time to notice my stress and ask the right questions. There are tons of great doctors but there are many that really don't take the time notice the underlying problems  much less address them. His nurse even assured me she would be praying for me. There is a huge sense of comfort in all of that!  For now I kinda feel like Pooh Bear..."Oh Bother!"

Monday, May 7, 2012

8am couldn't come fast enough.  My sister met me at the surgeons for moral support. This time the right side looked good. So odd really when it was that side both times that the drain sites got so irritated and reddened. He aspirated 50cc/ml (about 1.5oz) of fluid from my left breast area. This was the largest amount yet for the time frame. The worrisome part is it looked murky. As the body heals the color of the fluid changes, however it should still remain overall clear. There may be some sediment or some strings of fibrous material. This didn't look as nice. My doctor really feels this was caused from having the drain and I would have to agree. He is sending the fluid to lab and put me on a different antibiotic. My chest is red and tender but no fever today. Needless to say I'm pretty bummed.

Today I posed the question to him. I explained that as I read his comments I feel he is NOT pro reconstruction. Without flat out agreeing he explained that he feels  there is a huge push for women to reconstruct and he doesn't necessarily agree with that. He said every woman is different and at a different stage in their life. He has warned me before that reconstruction doesn't restore your natural look and you are going for how you will look in clothing. The end result sometimes isn't very pretty and often times women are not happy with it. He again brought up some of the risks in particular infection. He said he was so glad I did not choose immediate reconstruction because had I done that he would be taking me back to surgery now to remove the expanders in order to allow the infection to clear.He is very big on dealing with one thing at a time. I shared that I'm about ready to be done with this and just go back to surgery to remove the extra skin and stop worrying about reconstruction. His response was he didn't want me to make a decision now simply due to this set back and being frustrated about it. I assured him that would not be the biggest factor in my decision. As everyone knows I have struggled with reconstructing from day one. For those closest to me they know it is due to my fear of infection and my past history with infections. In some ways I feel this is the sign I asked God for when I've prayed for him to help me decide. If my body can't tolerate a small foreign object in it how will it tolerate temporary expanders and then permanent implants?

My doctors suggestion is to clear up this infection and then take a couple of months to ponder reconstruction before making a final decision. I understand that he doesn't want me influenced by a setback but not reconstructing has been my strongest gut feeling since day one. In complete honesty though, even though that's what my gut says, I kinda wanted to try it, however it would be in fear. I am not saying do surgery immediately-one I have an infection so it wouldn't be good timing, and two I don't want any surgery this close to graduation. Decisions decisions.

After my appointment I came home to nap. It's Senior Awards Night for Kinsey and I was determined to go. She earned quite a bit in scholarship money which will help out immensely as she is attending a private college.We are so very proud of all the hard work and determination she has shown in her high school career! It's been a fun journey but certainly more stress, illness, and injury than any kid should have. Just when we hoped her Senior year would be smooth sailing she has to end it helping care for her mom with breast cancer, for that I feel somewhat guilty. Although she seems to be doing well  I know it's affected her.  We are extremely proud of her and all she has accomplished!  From a Benton Central Lady Bison to a University of Indianapolis Greyhound! You can see her beaming as she thanks her favorite teacher/mentor, also a Greyhound!

Sunday, May 6, 2012

I made it to church 5 days post op but didn't make it today. My butt was kicked. Did little of nothing except supervise the outdoor work going on as Brad and Kinsey worked on the graduation to do list. Woke up during the night feeling rotten and chilled. Sure enough I had some fever. By this point it was just hours until I could call my doctor so I was not about to pay an ER bill. Took some Tylenol, sweated it out (literally), iced and aced and tried to get some more sleep. That pretty much confirmed my biggest fear...infection. GRRRRR!

Saturday, May 5, 2012

Our good friend came as promised to hang out with Brad and the two of them went on a "man date" as my kids called it.  Hopefully he got to do some venting and relieve a little stress. Unfortunately when he got home the stress level topped out again when I showed him my chest and he ran me over to my sisters for a second opinion.:( I think we both need a vacation.

I spent the evening playing board games with the kids. About 8pm my left breast area started hurting. I thought nothing of it because after my first set of drains came out I was so sore, like a deep bruising, and it lasted for days. After awhile it got worse and by 10 I could see visible fluid build up. Very odd considering in the past it has been a gradual accumulation and no pain associated with it. I had Kinsey check it out since she saw the area right after drain removal. She was shocked and confirmed it was a big change. Of course it was a Saturday night, I knew my surgeon was out of town and I really didn't want an ER doctor poking around on me. No offense to ER doctors but I know how surgeons are, they don't want anyone messing with their work and I was just more comfortable dealing with the guy who now knows me like a book. I decided to get my sister's opinion just to make sure she thought I was OK to wait til Monday. She too felt the swelling was significant for just 24 hours post drain removal and was able to palpate a hardened area. The whole area is much firmer than it has ever been and was very tender. We agreed avoid ER if possible and decided I should call the surgeon on call. He was very nice and said ice the area and see my doctor Monday but if it got a lot worse go to ER. I already knew that but it just made me feel better talking to him. Although I had been on an antibiotic and I had no fever I just knew that this was an infection brewing. I have quite a history of infections occurring in one area while I'm on antibiotics for another area. Now to watch and wait.

Friday, May 4, 2012

Birthdays, physical for Brody, job interview for Kinsey, babysitting, cook-out, drain removal. That sums up the day! Happy Birthday to Kinsey and my Dad.  How excited I was 19 years ago when Kinsey arrived at 12:17am just in time for Papa's birthday!  We kept it simple with burgers on the grill, cake and ice cream on the back porch, and visits from family.

Brody had his physical and all is well with him. Fortunately he seems to be done growing. Good thing because size 13 and 14 shoes are difficult to come by. So proud of the young man he's become!

Today was officially the day the drains were to come out. Drainage remains minimal and the tissue does appear to be "sticking" down a little better.  Although on an antibiotic the one in the right is getting red and irritated just like last time.  My sister once again did the deed and this time both the kids got to watch. How do people manage who live so far away from family? I have said it many times prior to breast cancer but I couldn't live without my sister!  These drains much smaller and less threatening in appearance. they were actually an IV catheter inserted into my chest with the tubing and bulb attached.  Really no discomfort when they came out. Although dealing with them has become second nature it is still a big relief to bid them farewell! Now keeping my fingers and toes crossed that I have no further issues.

Thursday, May 3rd, 2012

Many of you are so sweet in sending me comments and messages. One that repeats itself is that I am so courageous and strong.  Although honored you feel that way, I think you all would be the same. We have ALL been through some sort of hell here on Earth-an addiction, a health problem, the loss of a loved one, or a divorce. We all have our crosses to bear.  Rest assured, if I were undergoing treatments you can bet I'd be a basket case!!! I am confident that if any one of you were going through this you too would be a survivor. We are women and mom's and that is just simply what we do. Not saying men are not that way too I just can't speak for them :)

Grieving-it's not just a part of death and dying but is experienced in other areas of our lives. I'm pretty sure my family and I are all experiencing some form of it. They say they are doing OK when I ask. However, I have been able to see for almost two weeks that this is taking a toll mostly on Brad. The first time I shared with him that someone asked how he was doing he acted sort of baffled. He was confused why they would ask about him. I explained because although he may not realize it this affects both of us, in fact ALL of us. I tried to explain that before surgery to him and the kids but am not sure still that they fully grasp that. When people ask the kids how they are doing they cheerily say "fine.". But are they really? I think when we talked the other day Brad began to better understand.  He and Kinsey tend to be less vocal yet are supportive. Brody will verbalize most of the time. I haven't shared all the ways they are supportive but some I have-Brad ordering the breast cancer checks and not telling me and thinking of the cool bracelet photo, Kinsey insisting on wearing her bracelet to the prom, Brody seeing subtle tears and offering his support and sharing which of his friends have checked in on me. After I posted about Brad ordering the checks I gave him a big hug and thanked him for surprising me and of course teared up a bit. Later a friend emailed saying how lucky I am to have him!  It was a very cool message! But ya know I don't think I shared that message with him. It was sent to me but was all about him.  I took it to heart and yes, you guessed it, shed a tear. I will be printing that and sharing it with him. Repeatedly when people have asked how he's doing or have offered to help us in some way I've let him know that. However I'm wondering if he has felt all the focus is on me and therefore he's left to deal alone.

It's no big secret that this week has been stressful. The pressure of thinking I may need a decision on reconstruction soon has been weighing so heavily on my mind. Although I've weaseled some info from Brad I know he has more to share. He has never been comfortable with medical issues or hospitals and that was clear with his grandma's death and his dad's stroke. After a very rough day for me and a few crazy weeks at work for him stress took over.  I need to better learn how to pick his brain and he needs to better verbalize.  (And by the way, he reads my blog and tells me so far he's good with all of it-smiley)

As I told my sister when we had a good talk, there have been so many "God moments" for me. Support is oozing from family and friends and even people I don't know well at all. I had to wonder if Brad is feeling that too. Finally I just asked him. A few have asked him directly how he's doing but he hasn't really given them much of an answer.  So I asked when folks checked in on him did he or would he tell them the truth or would he keep it inside? He wasn't sure. He admitted how much he's struggling. I do believe that was a weight off his shoulders and mine. I really needed to know that and he really needed to say it. He said he cried when he read my post saying I was glad I had cancer and not him or the kids.  He feels it should be him. That in turn broke my heart. So far at least, my faith, the support of all of you, and simply looking for the silver lining has been healing for me. He is working on seeing all of that right now. We have sooooo much more to talk about! Boy how I would love to get him to make a couple posts. I truly believe his insight could be such a huge help for others going through this. His perspective could do wonders for the fellas out there I am sure.

And so, in the midst of this week,  a close friend called and asked if he could come hang out with Brad for some guy bonding. Brad of course thought I put him up to it. Not at all! There ya go, another "God thing". So for now we are taking baby steps to both try to feel better about not just reconstruction thoughts but the whole big picture.  I'm expecting that Brad's evening out will be just what he needs.   For now, I'd like to thank our dear friend for taking a minute to pick up the phone and not just check on me but on the hubster as well!

Wednesday, May 2nd, 2012

Have you ever had one of those days where nothing really important or big went wrong but every little thing that could did?  Well that's my day today. Waited 45 min to see the surgeon. Gave him the run down of my outputs which are very low but cautiously reminded him they are exactly what I was averaging when he was aspirating. The left side shows some sign of declining but it may not be totally accurate as it keeps kinking at the insertion site just due to it's positioning. I repeatedly straighten it and milk the tubing but that's all I can do. He said I can take the drains out whenever I want but he thinks by Friday they should be OK to come out. We talked briefly about reconstruction. I shared that Brad really thinks I should. I can tell my surgeon feels otherwise. He has repeatedly let me know that I look just fine the way I am and that it's my decision. I told him I have never had this much trouble making a decision. We have built two homes, I can't remember arguing once over any aspect of that ( most couples struggle with that) and have faced so many other challenges but I am just so stressed over this part of the process.  I shared that I had spoken to my cousin who is in the process of reconstruction and has been so positive yet I know there are many horror stories out there. Part of me feels if I move forward at least if I have problems they can come right back out, whereas if I have the extra skin removed it's a done deal, or at least much rougher to reconstruct later without extra skin. I am pretty sure Brad's right in thinking that once the weather stays warm I will want to wear cute shirts and swimwear at the lake and won't feel as good with the prostheses. Finding something to wear today was crazy-it's 85 and I can't wear my bra. That meant a T-shirt with a cami to hold the drains. I was roasting. Maybe once I am able to wear the bra again I will either strongly feel I'm sick of dealing with it or will feel I am comfortable with it and can stay as I am. All I know is I'm losing sleep, feeling I need more help in this decision, and am literally feeling eaten alive.

From there I ran to Gordons for grad stuff. They had chip samples. There was no sign so I didn't think a thing about it and tried one. OMG they were flaming hot! From there I went to Payless thinking I'd get a Diet Coke to put out the fire. Well there was no ice-now that's a crisis! LOL I was almost done shopping and grabbed shampoo for Kinsey. The lid was loose and I ended up covered in shampoo!  Stopped for gas which I purposely waited to buy on my way home and it had gone up 22 cents. And lastly I thought I'd surprise Brody and show up at his golf match. I either haven't felt well enough or it's been too dang freezing for me to go.  Well I couldn't find the place and drove for 30 min looking. When I found it all I could find was the housing addition part and couldn't even find the main entrance.  I could see some of the boys already on the green so knew I'd missed tee off  therefore likely I'd never find him on a course unfamiliar to me at that point. I turned around in a caul-de-sac that was total mud and by that time was in tears. I left crying, called Brad for the second time, got all bent out of shape, and insisted he go. Thank goodness he did!

Another thing eating on me is Brody. The poor kid has taken the back seat to everyone for a few years now, Kinsey with health issues for well over a solid year and now it's her graduation so there is a lot of focus on her. Now of course mom is getting lots of attention. The poor kid was in tears last night thinking he's never going to get to drive his own car because insurance for a boy is so high. In reality we were just trying to explain that boys are way more expensive and there is no way we can pay the premiums for something like a mustang that he spotted. Unfortunately he heard "you are not going to get to drive." :) We assured him he will get to drive on his own it just has to be a reasonable vehicle. Therefore I have really tried to give him kudos for things like his two Honor Society Inductions. Those are wonderful things to have on his high school functional resume' and we couldn't be prouder of him!

As always I try to end my days, no matter how crazy they get, on a positive note. So here is another Chicken Soup quote:
"Although it's critical that patients take charge of their illnesses, it's equally important that they ask for-and accept- help from those around them. There's no glory in going down this path alone. And there's incredible strength to be gained by accepting support from family, friends, clergy, doctors, nurses, social workers and perhaps most important, others who have had similar experiences. Their help literally can save your life."

Perfect example: I saw a couple from church who were super sweet, supportive and hugged me and told me they are praying for me. I asked them to please continue to do so. I'm not ashamed to say I still need a lot of prayers. While grocery shopping I saw another gal from church who offered the same support. In turn I offered to talk to her sister-in-law who also just had surgery for breast cancer. I'm a firm believer no one should ever face a difficult time in their life alone! In the end things always work out and every day we can wake up and get out of bed is a good day!

Monday, April 30th, 2012

Sunday was a super long exhausting day! We went to church and then Brad and I tried to take a much needed nap on a cold rainy day. No luck there for me. Later we went to our Uncle's showing. I say "our" because Uncle Johnny is a great uncle to Brad on his dad's side and is an uncle to me on my mom's side. As Brad always says "The Benton County family tree is a poplar, not too many forks in the branches."

It was great to see so many family and friends but of course also emotional. My cousin's wife has been such a support for me. She has just undergone mastectomy for the second time-19 years ago and just recently,  and is in the process of reconstruction. She made a point to speak with Brad and I about it and her words were very encouraging! She looks awesome for her second go round and couldn't be more positive.  We spoke with most of the family and  just after wiping away some tears Brad and I knelt down at the casket. All of the sudden something went flying over my head and landed smack dab next to Uncle Johnny. It completely startled me. Some of his kids started hysterically laughing as I stood  up and retrieved a little black shoe. His youngest granddaughter had been standing nearby swinging her feet and her shoe  flew off and just missed us landing in the casket next to her Grandpa. Wow!  I can't make this stuff up! Needless to say it was the comic relief everyone needed about then and we were convinced Uncle Johnny was in Heaven getting quite a chuckle.

From there I went into work for about 6 hours. I'm not released to work the floor but at the end of the month we have routine paperwork so my boss agreed to let me do some hours that way. It felt good to be helpful and we can really use the little bit of money since I am getting no income at all during my time off.  I worked until about 3AM.

Later today I met some great friends from college. It had been 20 years since we had been out together so we had lots of catching up to do. At the end of a wonderful visit and lunch one of them shared she is having a hysterectomy in June due to findings of abnormal cells. She had waited to schedule her surgery until she knew everything had gone fine for me. It just seems that every week it is someone else living in fear, not knowing, and waiting to find out if it's their turn to hear those dreaded words..."You have cancer."  Needless to say prayers would be appreciated for good results for my dear friend!

Tonight we are celebrating another special occasion for Brody. Deciding what to wear to this event was a bit  awkward. It was warm enough layers weren't needed. I have my bra but can't wear it due to the drains.I managed to find a top and a black tank that I could clip my drains to. They were well camouflaged and the ruffles helped hide the flat chest. After getting myself all together we headed out to school to celebrate Brody's second big honor in a month. This time he was inducted into the Spanish National Honor Society. Inductees have to have all A's for three semesters in order to be eligible. We are extremely proud of all his hard work and accomplishments!!! Way to go Brodrick!

Saturday, April 28, 2012

A bit more on my doctor visit yesterday.  He asked "How are you doing with all of this?" I told him I feel I am doing great and that everyone tells me I'm doing great. His response, "That's on the outside. How are you on the inside?"  This isn't his first rodeo and obviously he wondered if I was being completely truthful. I assured him that overall I have truly done well but that I am really trying to get Brad's thoughts because I am struggling with the reconstruction decision. He stressed that I need to consider my feelings first. He feels Brad doesn't care but said get his opinion and my sisters and weigh my options and go from there. Well, I know Brad thinks reconstruct but I don't know all his reasoning or what he would feel if I didn't. My doctor also stressed that reconstruction in no way looks like your original body and that the object is how you look and feel in clothes. I totally understand that, not sure Brad does. He further went on to say that the prostheses are not bad you just can't wear as low cut clothing etc but that they look very natural. Well, I can confirm that with my brief experience so far. They are comfortable at this point, just not sure how hot they will be in the summer but I'm guessing not much hotter than the natural thing.

Brad did follow up on my doctor visit and stressed he REALLY thinks reconstruction. Kinsey says forget it and don't worry about it. I know my sister's opinion without asking. She likes hers and I don't think she could do without them! LOL  Brad said he's concerned that when we camp, go to the lake, and when it gets hot and I'm not in layers that it will bother me. I stressed things won't look the same at all. He says he understands that. I just told him it's difficult to agree to a surgery that I know is not just painful but painful intermittently for a long period of time, is a multi-step process, will require maintenance at some point, and requires every three year MRI's to check the status of the implants. That is a lot to think about especially coming off of three surgeries in 8 months.  However if I don't reconstruct and I lose this extra skin it's a done deal and I can't go the other way. That is huge! I just baffle myself thinking how simple lumpectomy vs mastectomy was for me. It's even wilder how easy it was for me to say take both sides and be done. Many women cry for days over those decisions. Not me, just do it and move on. But good grief the thought of putting them back has me completely twitterpated!!!!

I feel better all the time about looking at my scars. However when I open my underwear drawer and see all those bras I do feel a sense of loss. It has brought a tear to my eye. Still so far I have not had any lengthy cries specifically related to this surgery. Sometimes I think that almost isn't right. Yes, tearful and even fearful moments but nothing that consumed me or lasted any length of time. If anything I just feel somewhat deserted here at home while Brad and the kids have moved on with their daily routine and mine's still not back to normal. I'm always a construction widow in the spring and I knew to expect that, but I shared with Brad that this spring it's so much harder.  I just feel I need him more. I know he's massively stressed with work and his TV time is his de-stresser. It doesn't work for me! Then you factor in that we are down to three weekends to get the house and the yard in order because we need to get to a bunch of open houses too and they start before graduation. I was perfectly fine with all of this until the drains went back in and put a quick halt to the level of activity I was able to do.

Besides decisions lurking in the back of my mind and the pain from newly inserted tubes it was a day of milestones. My 6 foot one inch "Little Brody" got his license!  Then there was all the hoopla for Kinsey's Senior Prom-nails, hair, make-up, pictures. Of course I got a photo of our new driver and our princess!  Just when I thought I had escaped tears I realized Kinsey had on her "Fight Like a Girl' bracelet. I reminded her to take it off thinking she'd forgotten. Not so, she insisted on wearing it.  That brought a subtle tear :(

Fortunately Brad's cousin and his family came by and as they always do, interjected some humor that kept me going the rest of the day. That was just what I needed to slow down the emotional roller coaster. I was given a goodie bag with peanut butter, chocolate chips, refrigerated cookie dough and two recipes:


Poor Man's Peanut Butter Cups
-jar of peanut butter          -chocolate chips
Remove lid from jar, open bag of chips. Get a large spoon and dip into peanut butter. Sprinkle on chips. Open mouth and insert spoon.  If you are having a really bad day cover the above with Cool Whip!

Easy Chocolate Chip Cookies
Remove wrapper and place 2 inches of dough in a bowl.
Microwave for 30-45 sec until dough is warm
Remove from microwave and eat with a spoon
* If having a bad day unwrap the tube of dough and eat like a corn dog
* For an extremely bad day freeze cookie dough and use the frozen tube to knock sense into whomever it is that causes you pain!

Hmmm which one should I try first????