Wednesday, November 28, 2012

I didn't know my own strength...only Wednesday and a roller coaster of a week.

Monday night I attended the cancer support group. Due to the holiday season there were only two of us in attendance. I had thought about not going as I had to work all night but I am so glad I did. A local gal who works in the insurance industry spoke to us about insurance and billing. She herself lost a sister at age 14 to leukemia so although she hasn't had cancer she has been directly affected by it.  It was a wonderful chat and a few tears were shed as she talked about her sister and we talked about the stress that so many medical bills brings upon a family. For us personally it really isn't the cancer alone, it's the 5 whole years of medical issues between us. Unfortunately we will be starting 2013 off in the same fashion as I have a new deductible and out of pocket to satisfy with this next surgery. That in and of itself is very depressing! At the end of the meeting I learned that a member of our group who has battled cancer multiple times has had yet another diagnosis, AND her husband is also battling skin cancer. That was a true downer!  Please if you have a minute keep this family in your prayers. They have young children and should never have to experience the pain of all of this. It  breaks my heart!

Tuesday was indeed a day to celebrate! It was my 46th birthday and after the way 2012 started out let's face it, there was a chance that this could have been my last birthday. Of all the women I know who have battled breast cancer, and all those fighting other cancers, it is very clear there are no givens on this journey. Some of us get lucky and others not so much. Each day is a gift and I'm so very thankful to be able to look forward to many more birthdays ahead.

I worked Monday night so slept part of my birthday away. Brody had a soccer game which I attended and from there I went to my weight watchers meeting. Was very proud of myself!  I was just sure I had gained over the Thanksgiving holiday but instead I lost a pound.  Not much but a small victory that I was quite proud of!  There is a young gal in our group who is in college. She has a circle of friends that participate with her and are a huge support team and she has lost 80 pounds since May!!! Over the holiday she went home and visited her group there. They were in tears when they say her 80 pounds less!  I admire her so much for taking her health so seriously and getting her weight under control while she is still young. She wasn't able to attend last night so her friends asked that we all write a note to her of encouragement or with suggestions how we are all going about our weight loss plan. Then this friend will make a book of the messages for her. What a super cool idea!!!

As we walked out I talked to these girls and offered another suggestion. I have a dear friend Miss Courtney. She also happens to be my Mary Kay consultant. After I placed my first order with Courtney she presented both Kinsey and I with a  CD she had burned with songs that are so empowering and uplifting. Whenever I am having a down day I love to listen to this music. I told the girls about Miss Courtney and her CD and suggested that might also be a cool idea to help their friend as I'm sure she has to have days where she struggles and wants to call it quits. They were so excited and thanked me for sharing.

As I sat last night secretly hoping that my husband was planning to take me to dinner for my birthday I began to think more about the need for spouses to better understand. We have gone out alone a couple of times this entire year and only because I have planned it. There is such a huge need for that time!  I just don't think that men in particular understand the importance or need of their outward support especially since it has been a major topic at our support group meetings. If only my nursing background included more psych classes!  I would love to get something going from the very beginning for significant others, a resource for them to help in this area. Ideally a packet of information that includes information on the type of illness, resources to research it, local support groups, helpful tips, financial planning information etc. For so many they travel many parts of the journey feeling completely alone. Physical support may be present but the emotional is often lacking. It's not something that can be forced and it's often difficult to explain, it's just simply a need. Like we discussed Monday night, no one truly understands unless they have walked in those shoes. Maybe some day when all this is completely behind me I can network with some who are better versed in this area and try to find a way to make a difference.

So for today let me leave you with a song that Miss Courtney shared with me on her CD. It is in honor of those who feel alone on their journey and for those who are currently struggling with a health issue during this holiday season...may they find "their own strength!"

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Thanksgiving weekend is one of my favorite holidays. Partly because of what it represents and partly because it's always a four day weekend.  This year has extra special meaning to me of course. A bumpy ride in 2012 but one of many blessings. I decided weeks in advance that  I wanted to savor every moment of the weekend and not be in a rush for anything. Kinsey arrived home from college Tuesday evening and Brody got an extra day of break thanks to heavy fog on Wednesday. So nice to have us all four home at the same time.

Thursday was Thanksgiving for the Denos. Lovely lunch and a lazy afternoon. The fellas had show and tell with Brad's brother's guns.  I shot a hand gun (pink cammo of course) for the first time in my life. A little creepy and a little cool.  The wee ones enjoyed some outdoor time and we made a bunch of Christmas cards to send to Japan for a cousin in the Marines. He will get some and the rest we will send to his buddies. The kids had a good time and were very creative.

Thursday night/Friday morning Kinsey and I braved the crowds to do a little black Friday shopping. We had a blast and got a lot done!  Brody and his girlfriend headed out about the time Kinsey and I rolled in. After a good nap we had the Budreau Thanksgiving. So wonderful to have Grandma Betty join us even though it was for just a short while. Dinner was delicious and we followed it with a a couple of Christmas classic movies which has kind of become a tradition.

Today Brad took Brody on a hunting expedition. For several years the Deno cousins have attended a pheasant release. It was Brody's first time and they had a great day. Brad got his limit of two birds and Brody got one. This is Brody with the youngest cousin who also got a hen. The fellas had an awesome time but were wiped out when they got home. One thing is for sure, they will sleep well tonight! I spent the day working on Christmas decorations. Trying to mix things up a little bit and not do the same things I usually do. I got a good start but am not nearly done. That is to be continued...

Dear Lord, I am so very grateful to be blessed with so much-faith, family, friends, a good job, a comfortable home, excellent doctors, and the gift of early detection which allowed me to be a survivor. Please continue to bless my family, keep us healthy and happy, and guide us along our future journey. Please look upon those less fortunate than us and keep them strong in their struggles. Thank you for your many blessings both big and small. Amen.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Quite a big day!  Had a fill today, 60cc each side and decided it's my final one!  Brad thinks I'm larger than I was and I kind of do too. It was not my goal to go bigger but  it's hard to tell because the shape is different than my pre-op shape. I don't want to stress my skin as one side is thinner, I don't want to have extra shape too close to my armpit or encourage the implants to buckle or bunch. And I certainly don't want to end up with stretch marks when I never even had any from pregnancy. So my final saline total should be almost 600cc each side. That sounds like a lot to me but it doesn't look like it at all.

Now the plan is to rest my chest for 8 weeks and then do surgery for the exchange-to take out the expanders and place the implants. I will have one final appointment to discuss the plan and my goal for the final outcome. Surgery is set for January 25!  I'm so excited that my journey is nearing an end!!!

Also, tonight is my first official night back to work, working the floor that is. I have been in to do paperwork but that is not taxing. I am praying for a good night so I can break myself in gradually as fatigue is still somewhat of an issue. It has improved since I am sleeping in bed lately but it's just so hard to get comfortable when I am a side sleeper. These things are like rocks! LOL

Thursday, November 8,2012

Good grief!!! A week into November and only two weeks til Turkey time. Who would have thought?  This is my favorite time of year for so many reasons. It breaks my heart to think that there are so many who dread it, or who are hurting for whatever the reason. I understand that life isn't always turning up roses but I am so very thankful that my family and I are able to share these special times and make wonderful memories.

Fill number two was yesterday and all is well. Since last week's went fine he offered to let me try double the amount of saline so 120cc each side. I was good with that since there are no signs of inflammation or irritation. Also,  I knew that once he had injected one syringe and started on the second I could always stop him. I could definitely feel a change and some pressure but no big deal. I was very numb and tingly all evening but today I am back to what is the new normal for me.

We discussed  my opinion on size. This fill made a noticeable change so for now I am thinking just one more 60cc fill. He explained again that the size of expanders does play a role on how large of implants I get. If I go bigger than suggested then there will be more shape near my armpits and might cause some "bunching" of sorts in the implant itself which can lead to a less natural look and even encourage more issues with scar tissue. He did show me how the right side has tilted a bit to the side since insertion and how the left one has a slightly different appearance from all the internal issues with the prior scar tissue. I had noticed the left one and pointed it out at an earlier appointment but the right is very very subtle.I'm really beginning to feel like this reconstruction process is quite a work of art. I'm being completely serious when I say that. It's really very fascinating!

Brad texted to see how the appointment went. When I told him I had 120cc in each side his response was, "Don't be going all Dolly Parton on me!"  I was cracking up! He seems to think what I have is pretty good and I was surprised that he said he didn't think I should go much bigger. You know men I wasn't sure what he would say.  He explained because he was afraid I might have issues with thinning skin as I get older. Of course that's a natural part of aging but a bigger issue when you have heavy implants to worry about. Too I need to remember that one side of my chest already has thinner skin naturally. I would say that I am real close to my previous size but it's hard to tell as the shape is different.

We had the opportunity to go to Indianapolis for a special treat over the weekend. Brad's boss and his wife gave us a very generous gift certificate to Fogo De Chao. If you have never been it is an awesome Brazilian dining experience. We had tried twice prior and it didn't work out. Three other couples joined us for dinner. I had a coupon for a hotel room so we stayed the night then Brad was treated to Colts tickets by someone he does business with. That was a cool surprise! I have finally attended my first professional football game! We had a nice time and the Colts pulled off a big win!!! From there we headed to University of Indianapolis to pick up Kinsey. We treated her and her boyfriend to dinner out. It was our first visit to see her because she has been home frequently. Such a lovely and much needed get away weekend. It's always better when it's cheap or free!!!

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Had my first fill today!  That was a pretty big deal  as I wasn't certain what to expect. I knew what he was going to do I just wasn't sure how I would feel after it happened. The plastic surgeon used a little device to move over my chest which located the port on the expanders and then it made an indentation there to mark the proper location of the port.  Next he filled the syringe with saline, cleansed the area, and injected the saline at the area of the indention.The port is between the size of a  quarter and a half dollar so a pretty big target area for injection. My sensation has slowly come back in my chest so I'm not completely numb like I was after the mastectomies. It was just a burning pricking sensation like when you get a regular injection.

We discussed the amount of saline he would inject. Last week he told me he would start with 60cc each side but that if I wanted he could make it 120cc each side if I tolerated the first 60cc. Today he said that he could do more than 60 like we had discussed but in my unique situation he thought maybe it would be best to just stay with 60cc today and see how I do. Sometimes expanding tissue too quickly can stimulate an inflammatory response and he didn't want to take that risk, obviously neither do I! I could feel a change but it was hard to describe. It didn't hurt but I could feel my chest get a bit fuller and it felt cool. Much like when an IV is started and the fluid first begins to infuse, that type of cool sensation.

My appointment was at 10:45 and so far I have had no discomfort. Some women have told me it's very painful for them. Maybe it will be like a good workout and I will feel it in a day or two-time will tell. I do expect that I will experience more stretching/discomfort with each fill. It's all a learning curve for sure. Talking to other women helps but the bottom line is we are all different, the amount of tissue and it's thickness is different, our scaring is not the same, nor our pain tolerance. Lots of factors I guess. For now I am set to go back next week. I can see a visual difference in size, not a lot but noticeable. It's really quite amazing when you stop to process it all.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. People still continue to tell me how strong I am. I worked two nights this week just doing paperwork. One of the girls at work wanted an update on everything and asked if she could give me a hug. I really don't know her very well as she doesn't work my shift but she was genuinely concerned and told me how proud she was of my strength and courage. Her hug really meant a lot to me! I was thinking back on that and began to wonder if there is such a thing as being too strong. Not to imply at all that I am stronger than anyone else or Wonder Woman, or any weird thing like that. I guess what I'm implying is I wonder if I have somehow suppressed any major fears or feelings. I still have not had just an all out good cry, just a complete down in the dumps, cry half the day kind of a day. Sure I've had times where I'm a little bummed, and I still tear up over certain things, but I'm talking about an all out melt down.  As very odd as it sounds I really NEED to do that! I WANT to cry sometimes and I can't. I just can't explain it! All along I have just felt like this is my journey, my cross to bear, and it's no different than any other trial in my life. I tend to face things head on, make the most out of even a bad situation, try to find the good that can be gained out of it, and plug along. Oh well, I guess if it's meant to happen it will.

A friend walked in the Making Strides breast cancer walk this past weekend. She later sent me a message saying that sometimes she doesn't feel much like a survivor, sometimes she even feels almost like an impostor when she says she's a survivor-meaning that like me she had early detection and escaped chemo and radiation. She said maybe she just doesn't really realize what she has been and is going through. I can completely relate to those statements!!!! I told her I think that is where the guilt I feel comes from when I see someone dealing with chemo treatments. You would think being a cancer victim and survivor is a heavy cross to bear but the guilt I feel because I didn't need chemo is heavier for me. Maybe my friend is right, maybe it's the nurse in both of us psychoanalyzing ourselves!  As I told her though , we have still had to endure hearing those words "You have cancer", we have experienced the intense worry waiting  for test results and pathology reports, been overwhelmed with decision making, have experienced the fear of the unknown, endured  the physical and emotional pain of surgeries and of losing part of our bodies. I was telling another friend, non-nurse, non-cancer survivor, about this above conversation and she was appalled that either of us would feel that way. She assured me that no matter how involved our diagnosis we have fought and we have won!  I guess in all her infinite wisdom she is right! Just another reason that all these conversations are so necessary and so very important to the healing process.