Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Great game last night for Brody and  some kudos from his coaches. It was a hot one and they lost but he played very well.  Another gloating Mom moment here! Love the positive things in life!!!

Today was a visit to the dermatologist. She removed the mole on my back that she just wasn't happy with. I'm not expecting it to be anything but with a family history on both sides of melanoma I'm taking no chances. Still numb now but it was a surgery requiring internal and topical stitches. Someday I will actually sit and count how many minor and major surgeries I have had-not sure I really want to know.  SMILEY  While she was at it she burned some small areas off my face just for cosmetic reasons. I will look like crap for about two weeks but oh well.  While at it let's cover all the bases. In our conversation she shared that she has seen several of my plastic surgeon's patients and that he is a good guy and does great work. That was reassuring to hear from a female physician who has seen lots of battle wounds as she does full body cancer checks.

That brings me to the next part of my journey. Are you all sitting down???  I have decided to put on my big girl panties, take the plunge, and start reconstruction. I know, I know, many of you thought I'd never choose that. To be honest I have surprised myself. As you recall I never said never. I said I was scared and was just not sure it was for me, that I was really thinking no but I hadn't ruled it out.  So what made me finally come to this decision?  Well, here goes...

First I decided I can't keep waiting. Having this weighing on my mind and having pressure from Brad early on has been enough to make me crazy. In many ways tougher than the diagnosis. I wanted it to be my decision and no one elses, I wanted no pressure from anyone. Finally he and I are on the same page and he really doesn't care which choice I make. I think over time he is more comfortable with both options and that is a huge bonus for both of us!

If I do it now at least the first, longest, and most detailed surgery will be completely covered. If things go flawlessly I may be able to have the second step completed by the end of the year. But really folks, this is me we are talking about and the likelihood of that is slim to none! Not being negative, just know my body pretty well.

If I wait then because it's a long process I most likely will mess up yet another summer. I really NEED a stress free summer. If I wait longer than that I am messing with Brody's Senior year for an elective surgery and I'm not about to do that. And lastly everyone says do it before Obama Care kicks in in 2014.

Yes, I still have fears and reservations. I would be lying if I said I didn't. However as I posted after my second appt with plastics I feel much better about it all. Not fond of having it in the surgery center and not the hospital but that is my doctor's preference. It's kinda like " if Mom's happy everyone's happy." If he is around the staff he works with all the time and who knows all his wants and needs that is good for me so I will suck it up and have it there. The bottom line is the only thing I will really be missing is all the TLC from all my old co-workers and friends at the hospital. I have requested to spend the night which was completely my choice, he didn't care either way. Since I had the blood pressure issues after my mastectomies I feel that is just the safest bet.

Can I live the rest of my life with special bras and prostheses?  Sure!  Do they really annoy me?  Not really. They are a bit of a hassle but not that bad. I feel completely normal wearing them and with the exception of being hot they are very comfortable and feel just like me.

 Now, a bit of a warning here. If ya don't want to know super personal info then don't  read on!!! :)
 It's the question everyone wants to ask but is afraid to. Well, it's addressed in a lot of the books I've read and if I'm here to help you learn  through your journey or a friend or family member's I may as well cover it too.  Has this affected our sex life?  Guess what, very minimally. Sure it's a change but we are good with it because it means I'm cancer free. Like any struggle in life, Multiple Sclerosis, a stroke, a debilitating accident, a burn, a colostomy... it's a body image change for both partners and you adapt and move on. Beauty is only skin deep and if you can't look past it then life is much more difficult. It's an adjustment that we have both made. So absolutely in no way have I come to my decision because of that. Besides, if you do the research, and a good doctor will explain all of this, there is not sensation there so things will never be the same whether you rebuild or you don't. Some women's chests are completely numb, not just the scarred area.  Fortunately for me a lot of my chest sensation has returned. Brad has told me not to do this for him but " I would kinda like to check out this guy's work."  Yep, true statement!!!!

This is something I am doing...for me and no one else. Again, it is strongly advised that this is the woman's decision and no one, not even her husband should insist she reconstruct. One because it is a big surgery and anyone will tell you there is quite a bit of pain. I'll get back to you on that later. Also, there is a lot of guilt associated for loved ones who think you should have the surgery for them. If something doesn't go right or the end result isn't exactly achieved then they may carry a great deal of guilt over it. It just isn't good for either party involved. As I have been very honest about it is still very important to know their opinion on the issue. After all they are your partner and your caregiver.

Am I still afraid of infection?  Yes, but my doctor has assured me he will be extra cautious in this area. I could get an infection from having the extra skin removed if I don't reconstruct. Every single break in skin integrity carries that risk.

So why did I decide? Well because I am also afraid that if I don't try it I might regret it. Waiting until I'm older also increases my risks. I am quite certain if I were older I would not go forward. How much older I don't know. Unfortunately I can't just try both ways and then decide and still end up with the same cosmetic effect so it's one or the other. They can come back out although the scarring will be worse than if I just had the extra skin removed. Every step of this process has carried risks. It was a big risk to decide to remove the second breast and not just the diseased one.

Right now surgery is set for September 20th at one of our local surgery centers.  Brad is supposed to get to spend the night with me. I go in at 12 noon with surgery taking place at 1pm. It is expected to last 5 hours and involves placement of expanders, a cadaver graft to support them and the final implants, and moving and repositioning of my chest wall muscles. Sounds like lots of fun doesn't it?  Oh, and let's not forget the placement of more lovely drains.

For all of you who have commented on my strength and courage, well I hope you've seen nothing yet!!!  I'm practicing my knock out punches for round two and I'm hoping the first punch is deadly!  Yes, passing go was worrisome, waiting at stop lights for test results was nerve racking, crossing bridges and detours was stressful, but those fears were different. They were decisions I had to make to stay alive. That promotes great inner strength. Making an elective decision is much harder in my case.  I must say that my fears have been slowly fading and I'm feeling much more positive. Afterall,  if I'm going to kick cancer's ass then it shouldn't be able to take so much from me cause by golly then I might just have to put it back!!!

I have so many of you to credit for helping me get to this point. You have supported me from square one and many of you have continued to check up on me from time to time even though it's been 6 whole months. I can't tell you how much that means. These scars last forever. I don't feel I have let it consume my life, at least I hope not. Being able to put things in writing has really allowed me to jot it down and walk away. You guys are the bomb and I know you will be right here with me for the rest of this crazy journey.  So sit back and hold tight cause here we go again!!!